Hey, we?re really metamorphosing. The last three ?Rants? have been jokes, for goodness sakes. Although ?Cleveland jokes? belong, I suppose, we have to maintain ?Alpha Delta Phi? standards and thus, we need some real ranting and/or raving. Item #67 clearly breaks the standard, but what are we to do?

To be honest, there?s little to rave about while the November campaigns heat up, but haven?t any of you anything at all to rant about? Don?t any of you have a thought, for example, on the Green Party?s plank that their progressive (sic) income tax would top out at 100% (yes!) at ten times the minimum wage? (Just go to http://www.greenparty.org if you doubt my word.) And, for that matter, both Gore?s and Bush?s stances on taxes ought to at least get a word or two, I would think. What about Gore?s ultra-Pro-choice statements? Etc.? etc.? etc.? Any raves about Tiger Woods? 61 yesterday?

C?mon ? let?s beef up the website (Harry?s Place and the Rant/Rave page) as our first anniversary passes by.

And lest you forget the name of the only political party that isn't beholden to corporate interests, Socialist lobbies and the Uninspired Notions (UN) of Third World nations everywhere . . .

Indeed, Brothers: Let's not waste our votes on either of the two Major [sic] parties. Vote for the only party that suggests that greater freedom comes from greater responsibility and a minimum of Government intrusion. The Libertarian Party is certainbly not the panacea for all of America's current woes, but it is the only choice for those of us who want both less violence among our youth and less intrusion into our privacy by Big Brother.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but . . .

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WAIT! There's more . . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the Brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?"

The first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but...

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[Ed. Note: Oh no, not another one!] Most of you remember that Dan Ehlert was a house painter before matriculating at Western Reserve and most of you also recall that Dan, despite that marvelous German surname, has a certain amount of good Scottish blood flowing in his veins. Thus, being very interested in making an extra dollar or two where he could, he would often thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job of one their biggest churches in Cleveland.

Dan put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint, and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Big Dan was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Dan fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones next to the church, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Dan was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . .

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(You will probably hate me for this!!)

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[Ed. Note: Okay, time to get serious here . . .]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Answer first, then scroll down for each answer. No cheating now, the questions are not difficult.

1, How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

A wrong answer is to open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. The correct answer is to open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all the questions wrong but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old. [Ed. Note: Maybe I'm missing something here, Bob, but it looks to me like the Anderson results show that most professionals don't have the brains of a four-year old. No?]

In principle I disagree with corrupting our fraternity site with "modern" jokes. Still, it has been a while, and I can't resist.

Recently we spent a week at Gettysburg with an Elderhostel program. We heard a local musician play and sing and between songs he told jokes.

Somehow he got into Minnesota where Ollie and Olga were in a boat fishing on a lake. At one point Ollie sees a bottle with a cork floating by and picks it out of the water. He pulls out the cork - and wouldn't you know - out comes genie. The genie tells Ollie he will grant him one wish for setting him free. So Ollie asks him to turn the lake into beer. And so he does. Olga gets mad. She says "Ollie, what did you do that for?!! Now we have to pee in the boat!!"

Olga went to the doctor because she and Ollie couldn't seem to have children. After a battery of tests the doctor tells her she is normal. He asks her to send Ollie in for tests just to make sure nothing is wrong. He says Ollie should bring in a urine sample and a semen sample. She tells Ollie to go see the doctor take with him a pair of dirty shorts.

I'm not sure whether we discussed the time recently when Clinton was given one wish by a genie.

Clinton: "Let me create lasting peace in the middle east - as a final success for my term in office!" Genie: "Do you realize how hard that would be? Those people has been fighting for so long - the issues are so complex! Think of another wish." Clinton: "OK, My wife is running for congress in New York. Give her a warm and likeable personality to win over the voters" Genie: (Scratches his brow for a couple of minutes) "Let me see that map of the middle east again."

In a fashion, I dodged the draft by coming to Western Reserve University back in the early-to-mid 50s without even a sliver of a thought as to what I might do later in life. Yeh, I spent 1969-70 in a cozy job in the basement of a computer building at Tan san Nhut Air base -- but even that was pretty self-serving, in retrospect. This speech given by Mark Helprin called, "I Dodged the Draft, and I Was Wrong" sums up my views on the subject today.

The author, a frequent contributor to National Review, delivered this courageous speech at West Point, October 11, 1992.

By Mark Helprin, senior fellow, Claremont Institute

I am frequently asked how it is that I, an American, served in the Israeli Army and Air Force, and not in the military of my own country.

The first part of the question is easy to answer. I point out the long tradition of Americans serving in the armed forces of allies ? the Lafayette Escadrille, Faulkner in the Canadian Royal Air Force, e.e. cummings and John Dos Passos in the Norton-Harjes Ambulance Corps, the Eagle Squadron, the Flying Tigers. I mention that before I served under another flag I reported to the Department of State and formally swore an oath of loyalty to the United States and to defend the Constitution. And I remind my questioners that Israel fought not only armies trained and equipped by the Soviet Union, but, sometimes, Soviet soldiers themselves. In that period, the United States and Israel worked very closely together.

To the second part of the question, I reply that though the men in my family have served, since our arrival in this country, with Pershing in Mexico, in the First World War, and so many in the Second World War that the welcome home had to be held in a hotel, that despite this tradition in which I was certain I would have a place, I did not serve.

If you think that it is easy to stand here in front of thousands of officers and future officers of the United States Army and explain this, think again. But just as the heart of your profession is your willingness to give your lives in defense of your country, even, as the case has been, as you are mocked, reviled, and dismissed by those for whom you will die, the heart of my profession is to convey the truth.

Let me try to convey, then, what I have come to believe is the truth of a time that was over before many of you were born. I do so not to gain approval or to attain an end, but in service of illumination and memory.

My conduct in the Vietnam era can be expressed by stating that although in the Israeli army I later had, but for corrective lenses, a perfect physical rating for combat, here I was officially, legally, and properly 4-F. If I were Bill Clinton I would take 10,000 words to explain this and say nothing, but I'm not Bill Clinton, and I can get to the heart of it in eight: What I did was called dodging the draft.

I thought Vietnam was so much the wrong place to fight and that the conduct of the war was so destructive in human terms and of American power, prestige and purpose that I was justified in staying out. What the existence of the re-education camps and the boat people, and the triumph of containment have taught me is that my political assessment was not all that I thought it was. I have also come to believe that, even if it had been, I still would not have been released from honoring the compact under which I had lived until that moment, and which I then broke. I did not want to participate in a war the conduct of which was often morally ambiguous. Now I understand that this was precisely my obligation.

So you can imagine what I felt when I came to a passage in David McCullough's "Truman," explaining how Harry Truman had volunteered in the First World War: "He turned thirty-three the spring of 1917, which was two years beyond the age limit set by the new Selective Service Act. He had been out of the National Guard for nearly six years. His eyes were far below the standard requirements for any of the armed services. And he was the sole supporter of his mother and sister. As a farmer, furthermore, he was supposed to remain on the farm. . . . So Harry might have stayed where he was for any of several reasons. That he chose to go . . . was his own doing entirely."

Truman had five unimpeachable reasons not to serve, and he tossed them to the wind. Had he tossed them at my class at Harvard, I assure you, they would have been fought over like five flawless versions of the Hope Diamond.

His actions were all the more impressive when it is remembered that the First World War was far more brutal than the war in Vietnam , far more costly, and far more senseless. At least the war in Vietnam was fought in the context of a policy of containment that later was to triumph. Even were Vietnam not the best place to make a stand, it was the fact that a stand was made that mattered.

In contrast, the First World War was fought almost entirely for nothing. Though it is true that the country was more enthusiastic about it, that just drives home the fact, as did Vietnam , that you simply cannot know how things will turn out, and that a war may be right or wrong, opportune or inopportune, the proper time and place to make a stand, or it may not be, but that this is something to be determined in national debate and not in the private legislatures of each person with a draft card.

I am absolutely certain that in not serving I was wrong. I began to realize this in 1967, when I served briefly in the British Merchant Navy. In the Atlantic we saw a lot of American warships, and every time we did I felt both affection and pride. One of the other sailors, a seaman named Roberts, was a partisan of the Royal Navy, and maintained that it was more powerful than our own. As I was a regular reader of the Proceedings of the United States Naval Institute, and had almost memorized Jane's Fighting Ships, I quickly, let us say, blew his arguments out of the water.

And then, in riposte, he asked why I was not in uniform. I answered with the full force of the rationalizations so painstakingly developed by the American intellectual elite. Still, he kept coming at me. Although he was not an educated man, and although I thought I had him in a lock, the last thing he said broke the lock. I remember his words exactly. He said: "But they're your mates."

That was the essence of it. Although I did not modify my position until it was too late, I began to know then that I was wrong. I thought, mistakenly, perhaps just for the sake of holding my own in an argument, that he was saying, "My country, right or wrong," but it was not what he was saying at all. Only my sophistry converted the many virtues of his simple words from something I would not fully understand until much later.

Neither a man nor his country can always pick the ideal quarrel, and not every war can be fought with moral surety or immediacy of effect. It would be nice if that were so, but it isn't. Any great struggle, while it remains undecided and sometimes even afterward, unfolds not in certainties but in doubts. It cannot be any other way. It never has been.

In the Cambridge Cemetery are several rows of graves in which rest the remains of those who were killed in Vietnam . On one of the many days of that long war, I was passing by as a family was burying their son. I stopped, in respect. I could not move. And they looked at me, not in anger, as I might have expected, but with love. You see, they had had a son.

Soon thereafter, not understanding fully why, I was on my way to the Middle East, in a fury to put myself on the line. And though I did, it can never make up for what I did not do. For the truth is that each and every one of the Vietnam memorials in that cemetery and in every other ? those that are full, those that are empty, and those that are still waiting ? belongs to a man who may have died in my place. And that is something I can never put behind me.

I want you to know this so that perhaps you may use it. For someday you may find yourself in a terrible place, about to die from a wound that is too big for a pressure bandage, or you may find yourself in an enemy prison, facing years of torture, or you may find yourself, more likely, as I did, in a freezing rain-soaked trench, at 4 o'clock in the morning, listening to your heart beat like thunder as you stare into the hallucinatory darkness of a field sown with mines. You may speak to yourself out loud, asking, why am I here? I could have been someplace else. I could have done it another way. I could have been home.

If that should happen to you, your first comfort will be your God, and then you will have ? believe me ? the undying image of your family, and then duty, honor, country. These will carry you through.

But if, after you have run through them again and again, you have time and thought left, then perhaps you will think of me, and this day at the beginning of your careers. I hope it will be encouragement. For that I was not with you, in my time, at Khe Sanh, and Danang, and Hue, and all the other places, is for me now, looking back, a great surprise, an even greater disappointment, and a regret that I will carry to my grave.

I read in the paper about a WWII vet who wanted to be reimbursed by the Japanese for being held as a slave laborer in a coal mine.

Our government, in its infinite wisdom, ruled that the peace treaty with Japan ruled out future claims by Americans.

I was a wee lad at that time, but what I remember hearing that we got unconditional surrender from them that day in Tokyo Bay. Did the government lie to us then, or are they lying to us now?

Maybe it's just that we dare not offend our dear trading partners by reminding them of things they rather not believe happened.

This is a statement that was read over the PA system at the football game at Roane County High School, Kingston, Tennessee by school Principal Jody McLoud, on September 1, 2000. I thought it was worth sharing with the Hudson Chapter amums. It clearly shows just how far this country has gone in the wrong direction.

"It has always been the custom at Roane County High School football games to say a prayer and play the National Anthem to honor God and Country. Due to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I am told that saying a prayer is a violation of Federal Case Law.

As I understand the law at this time, I can use this public facility to approve of sexual perversion and call it an alternate lifestyle, and if someone is offended, that's OK. I can use it to condone sexual promiscuity by dispensing condoms and calling it safe sex. If someone is offended, that's OK.

I can even use this public facility to present the merits of killing an unborn baby as a viable means of birth control. If someone is offended, no problem.

I can designate a school day as earth day and involve students in activities to religiously worship and praise the goddess, mother earth, and call it ecology. I can use literature, videos and presentations in the classroom that depict people with strong, traditional, Christian convictions as simple minded and ignorant and call it enlightenment. However, if anyone uses this facility to honor God and ask Him to bless this event with safety and good sportsmanship, Federal Case Law is violated. This appears to be at best, inconsistent and at worst, diabolical.

Apparently, we are to be tolerant of everything and anyone except God and His Commandments. Nevertheless, as a school principal, I frequently ask staff and students to abide by rules which they do not necessarily agree. For me to do otherwise would be at best, inconsistent and at worst, hypocritical. I suffer from that affliction enough unintentionally. I certainly do not need to add an intentional transgression.

For this reason, I shall, "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's," and refrain from praying at this time. However, if you feel inspired to honor, praise and thank God, and ask Him in the name of Jesus to bless this event, please feel free to do so. As far as I know, that's not against the law----yet."

For those among the brothers of ADPhi who have had a kid or two spend some time in uniform in recent years, these are some awesome words. They were written by Colonel David Hackworth concerning current Army Readiness and the general state of affairs of the military. He called it, "Military readiness is not a Political Game."

Justin P.D. Wilcox resigned last week over the plague that's destroying our Army. He was a future George Marshall or Dwight Eisenhower. This nation's armed forces cannot continue to lose such dedicated patriots. Here, in his own words, is why he quit in disgust:

"Listening to the secretary of defense and top brass dispute the Bush/Cheney readiness claims has reaffirmed my decision to leave the Army as a captain this month. I served for the past five years in a declining institution which needs urgent help from its top leadership. My decision to leave the Army stems from my refusal to live the 'readiness lie' portrayed by the nation's top leaders.

"In the age of 'do more with less,' the most frequent topic of discussion for today's Army junior officer is the decision to leave the military. Accordingly, the top brass express their concern with the large numbers of captains departing the Army between four and six years of service. Their concern is so great that they surveyed majors with at least 10 years of service to discover why captains were leaving. It is hard to find out what is wrong when you really do not want to know.

"I was excited to begin my Army career after graduating from West Point in June of 1995, but over the next five years my zeal diminished. I realized that the brass and political leaders expected 110 percent capability but resourced for 50 percent. I received soldiers from Basic Training who could not pass fitness tests, qualify with their weapons, or uphold basic discipline standards.

"At Fort Bragg (N.C.), as a combat engineer in the XVIII Airborne Corps, my unit shot its weapons with live rounds only once a year for qualification and once a year for a live-fire exercise, due to ammunition constraints. Vehicles and equipment were rarely used during the months of August and September due to budgetary constraints at the end of the fiscal year. Newly fielded equipment did not meet the specifications of the equipment it replaced and only became reliable after at least two years of retrofits and recalls. (It is probably not known that from December 1998 until this summer, every new 2.5- and 5-ton vehicle on Fort Bragg, as well as the Army, could not be driven over 35 mph until retrofitted to prevent the drive shaft from dropping during movement and causing the vehicle to flip.) On a weekly basis, I saw more attention placed on landscaping and details in the unit area than on training soldiers in the field.

"For those who claim these statements are merely subjective, I can offer further proof of the poor unit readiness I witnessed. For two years I participated in the unit readiness report for my battalion, as the project officer for the report and the head of battalion maintenance. Throughout the past year, maintenance or personnel issues have prevented achievement of top readiness ratings.

"Excellence is no longer the standard. The pursuit of mediocrity has become the norm. When will a general officer finally lay his stars on the table and stand up to the current administration for his soldiers?

"Junior officers stand where the 'rubber meets the road.' They have the responsibilities of preparing their soldiers for battle and ultimately to prepare them in such manner as to prevent casualties due to inexperience or lack of training. When the brass decide their objectives, the lieutenants and captains bear the responsibility of taking these objectives. "Retired Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf stated in his autobiography that a commander can delegate authority, but never responsibility. I realized that in the future I could be responsible for the deaths of too many men who could have been saved by proper training.

"I was not prepared to sacrifice good men, knowing that their deaths could have been avoided. I could not in good conscience continue to live the lie of our current readiness.

"When the next round of bloodshed by U.S. servicemen happens due to lack of preparation, the current brass and civilian/political leaders should be responsible for signing the following casualty notification letters: "Dear Mrs. Smith, I regret to inform you of the death of your son. His death is my fault, for I did not properly train him."

The Hudson Chapter of Alpha Delta Phi salutes you, Captain Wilcox.

At least, I?ll bet most of you do, eh, bros?

Many of you may have seen this before, as I have, but it's pretty neat and fits the literary standards of the Alpha Delta Phi, IMHO.

Subject: ETHNICITY OF JESUS

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence......

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ...........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do!!!!

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. "America" is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody Cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

It figures. I guess the warnings were true. Federal Bill 602P will charge you 5-cents per E-mail Sent. It figures! No more free E-mail! We knew this was coming!

Bill 602P will permit the Federal Government to charge a 5-cent charge on every delivered E-mail. Please read the following carefully if you intend to stay online and continue using E-mail. The last few months have revealed an alarming trend in the Government of the United States attempting to quietly push through legislation that will affect our use of the Internet.

Under proposed legislation, the US Postal Service will be attempting to bill E-mail users out of "alternative postage fees". Bill 602P will permit the Federal Government to charge a 5-cent surcharge on every E-Mail delivered, by billing Internet Service Providers at source. The consumer would then be billed in turn by the ISP. Washington DC lawyer Richard Stepp is working without pay to prevent this legislation from becoming law. The US Postal Service is claiming lost revenue, due to the proliferation of E-mail, is costing nearly $230,000,000 in revenue per year.

You may have noticed their recent ad campaign: "There is nothing like a letter." Since the average person received about 10 pieces of E-mail per day in 1998, the cost of the typical individual would be an additional 50 cents a day - or over $180 per year - above and beyond their regular Internet costs.

Note that this would be money paid directly to the US Postal Service for a service they do not even provide.

The whole point of the Internet is democracy and non-interference. You are already paying an exorbitant price for snail mail because of bureaucratic inefficiency. It currently takes up to 6+ days for a letter to be delivered from coast to coast. If the US Postal Service is allowed to tinker with E-mail, it will mark the end of the "free" Internet in the United States.

Our congressional representative, Tony Schnell (R) has even suggested a "$20-$40 per month surcharge on all Internet service" above and beyond the governments proposed E-mail charges Note that most of the major newspapers have ignored the story - the only exception being the Washingtonian - which called the idea of E-mail surcharge "a useful concept whose time has come" (March 6th, 1999 Editorial).

Do not sit by and watch your freedom erode away!

Send this [information] to EVERYONE on your [email distribution] list[s], and tell all your friends and relatives to write their congressional representative and say "NO" to Bill 602P. It will only take a few moments of your time and could very well be instrumental in killing a bill we do not want.

[Ed. Note: Would one of you good Alpha Delts please check on this? I get spam along these lines regularly and have been led to believe that it's generally bullshit. I honestly don't know.]

Well, maybe it's time for a legitimate Rant/Rave to kick this thing off. Most of you, I assume, are card-carrying Republicans like myself who are generally of a conservative bent. Right? Why? Well, Harry Eugene K. said it best sometime back when he put two and two together and noted that most, if not all of us, are post-sixty, good solid citizens and pay enormous taxes. He was answering the same question raised back then as to why we seem to be so bent to the "right."

Having watched that unspeakable Presidential Debate (double-oxymoron intended) last night, I have come to the same conclusion that the rest of you have: Al Gore will win the election unless we all decide not to waste our votes on that clown, George W. Bush. In the final analysis, Tweedle-dee-dee's seemingly better grasp of the issues and pleasanter demeanor will overwhelm Tweedle-dee-dum's slightly more acceptable programs. Further, Gore's lies will be believed more on the basis of his delivery than the basis of fact. But that aside, although Al Gore is nearly a full-blown Socialist, both the Democrats and the Republicans are wedded to the idea of "Big Brother knows best."

Thus, we of the Hudson Chapter of Alpha Delta Phi must take matters into our own hands and turn the entire country around. We must convince the voting public that a vote for Bush is the same as a vote for Gore. As Harry Browne (Libertarian candidate) and Al Gore come down to the wire next month, Harry will need every vote he can get, and voting for Dubya is the same as not voting for Harry Browne. In other words, "A vote for Bush is a vote for Gore."

Thus, our new slogan should be, "Don't waste a vote on either of the major [sic] parties; vote Libertarian!"

An alternative might simply be, "Go Harry Go!" (no association with the hallowed ground of Harry's Place intended)

Let's get moving on this, guys; there's only a month to go!

[Surely, we manly men of Alpha Delta Phi -- conservatives all -- should rebutt this piece of one-sided feminist material floating about among our women-folks, no?]

(from my daughter, Rachel) "Any woman who thinks she might give George W. Bush the benefit of the doubt and vote for his so-called compassionate conservatism, should consider how much compassion he showed Betty Lou Beets.

"Most people have never heard of Beets. She was a hearing-impaired, learning disabled, brain-damaged great grandmother who spent her childhood being sexually abused by her father. She lived in poverty and violence, moving from one abusive home, one abusive man, to another.

"After years of physical and sexual abuse, and no help from law enforcement, she killed her husband. Beets was convicted in a trial that was handled so badly - by an attorney who sold media rights to her story for his fee - that a federal district court judge ordered a new trial.

"The state of Texas, however, persuaded the appeals court to reinstate both the conviction and the death sentence. Which brings us to Governor Bush. Texas law permits clemency on the basis of certain circumstances, among them a history of the defendant being battered by the victim. But clemency is not in Bush's vocabulary. So he ordered the state of Texas to finish the job that Betty Lou Beets father started years before.

"If that doesn't give you pause, maybe you should consider his promise to do for the United States what he has done for Texas.

"Dead last in state government spending per capita [Ed. Note: Is this bad?]; 49th in state appropriations for the arts; 46th in maximum monthly welfare payments for needy families, regardless of size; 45th in percentage of population graduating from high school; 9th in percentage of children living in poverty; 5th in toxic chemicals released into the air; 2nd in prisoner incarceration rate.

"Thanks to Bush's compassion, Texas gives many underdeveloped nations a run for their money. Texas has among the highest rates of AIDS, tuberculosis and teenage pregnancy in the nation, and is scraping the bottom on immunizations.

"A huge percentage of Texas families have no health insurance and the state has failed to reach out to thousands of children who could be enrolled in Medicaid.

"Women in Texas are also slipping behind economically. Texas women make 75.2% of what the Lone Star men make. Only 17.4%of women have four or more years of college. Nearly one in four Texas women lives in poverty.

"And the state ranks 50th in economic autonomy for women. But this election isn't just about numbers; it's about issues and attitudes.

"On issues, George Bush opposes most pro-women policies from child care to pay equity to abortion rights. And he would implement policies and appoint judges and cabinet officers who would work to move women back to the bad old days of no choices, no chances.

"Perhaps most pernicious, though, is Bush's attitude towards women. As a self-confessed party boy and libertine, Bush saw women in two roles - Madonna (Laura BUSH and Barbara Bush, for example) or whore (feminists, for example).

"And although he claims to have had an epiphany at the age of 40 when he stopped drinking, found God and reformed himself, there is clear evidence that he continues in this worldview. At the 1988 Republican Convention (two years after Bush's supposed conversion), George W. was talking to David Fink of the Hartford Courant.

"When you're not talking politics," Fink asked the then vice-president's son, "what do you and [your father] talk about?" "Pussy," replied the man who now wants women to trust them with their lives and futures and make him the next President of the United States.

"Finally, there are two words that should guarantee that no woman (other than a masochist) would vote for George W. Bush: Clarence Thomas.

"That's who W. named as his most admired Supreme Court Justice. And if Shrub makes it to the White House, he could wind up appointing four more just like Thomas to the Supreme Court."

This is for all of us members of the Hudson Chapter of Alpha Delta Phi who knew someone on the USS Cole, served in the USN or knows someone still on active duty in any military ? likely a son, daughter, nephew or niece in just about every case, no?

This is an appropriate reminder to all who have served or all among us who support those who serve.

I won't let you go empty handed, as it were, but in my best estimation, the two front runners are two empty suits who have been anointed by their respective parties to become king . . . oops president, and be able to appoint their lackey friends to positions of power and trust so they can get their dirty little fingers on the money . . . after all isn't that what this is all about? The money?

Why do we have cops? Do they stop crime? Do they prevent crime? They do collect fines . . . they are tax collectors with uniforms, badges and guns. The automobile is the greatest fund raiser for the government since they invented the income tax . . . they tax gas, and fine as many drivers as they can for driving too fast.

On I-90, we have the gruesome threesome . . . Lakewood, Rocky River and Westlake . . . all with their radar guns, and all collecting taxes, excuse me, fines. The two biggest crimes in Bay Village History occurred within 1/4 mile of the police station ? Sam Shepherd's wife's murder, and Amy Miholovic's abduction and slaying. Amy was kidnapped directly across the street from the cop shop. Tell me they prevent crime. Tell me they do anything except keep the powers that be the powers that be.

Good afternoon. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.

My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn." Back then, black folks in the south were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans.

Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr. My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school." But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill.

I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae." When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy.

During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it?the Rolling Stones. But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truck stops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington." I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business?building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies.

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States. Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history.

Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"

During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern. So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."

[This, obviously inspired by Jim's contribution above]

Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:

I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker?s time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let?s start with the vice president.

Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?

Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can?t hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.

Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.

Lehrer: Let?s turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?

Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn?t get it done. If I?m elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we?re going to deal with New Mexico.

Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.

Gore: Foreign policy is something I?ve always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I?m entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.

Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?

Gore: It?s a vital issue, Jim. That?s why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.

Lehrer: Gov. Bush?

Bush: That?s fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I?m going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.

Lehrer: It?s time for closing statements.

Gore: I?m my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.

Bush: It?s time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.

Lehrer: Good night.

[If any of you are interested in what George Bush says about his faith here it is ? at least this is what my pastor believes is true and this was emailed to all of us in his little flock. . . . Joe R.] .

(from George W. Bush) ?Actually, the seeds of my decision had been planted the year before, by the Reverend Billy Graham. He visited my family for a summer weekend in Maine. I saw him preach at the small summer church, St. Ann?s by the Sea. We all had lunch on the patio overlooking the ocean. One evening my dad asked Billy to answer questions from a big group of family gathered for the weekend. He sat by the fire and talked. And what he said sparked a change in my heart. I don?t remember the exact words. It was more the power of his example. The Lord was so clearly reflected in his gentle and loving demeanor.

?The next day we walked and talked at Walker?s Point, and I knew I was in the presence of a great man. He was like a magnet; I felt drawn to seek something different. He didn?t lecture or admonish; he shared warmth and concern. Billy Graham didn?t make you feel guilty; he made you feel loved.

?Over the course of that weekend, Reverend Graham planted a mustard seed in my soul, a seed that grew over the next year. He led me to the path, and I began walking. It was the beginning of a change in my life. I had always been a ?religious? person, had regularly attended church, even taught Sunday School and served as an altar boy. But that weekend my faith took on a new meaning. It was the beginning of a new walk where I would commit my heart to Jesus Christ.

?I was humbled to learn that God sent His Son to die for a sinner like me. I was comforted to know that through the Son, I could find God?s amazing grace, a grace that crosses every border, every barrier and is open to everyone. Through the love of Christ?s life, I could understand the life changing powers of faith.

?When I returned to Midland, I began reading the Bible regularly. Don Evans talked me into joining him and another friend, Don Jones, at a men?s community Bible study. The group had first assembled the year before, in Spring of 1984, at the beginning of the downturn in the energy industry. Midland was hurting. A lot of people were looking for comfort and strength and direction. A couple of men started the Bible study as a support group, and it grew. By the time I began attending, in the fall of 1985, almost 120 men would gather. We met in small discussion groups of ten or twelve, then joined the larger group for full meetings.

?Don Jones picked me up every week for the meetings. I remember looking forward to them. My interest in reading the Bible grew stronger and stronger, and the words became clearer and more meaningful.

?We studied Acts, the story of the Apostles building the Christian Church, and next year, the Gospel of Luke. The preparation for each meeting took several hours, reading the Scripture passages and thinking through responses to discussion questions. I took it seriously, with my usual touch of humor....

?Laura [Bush] and I were active members of the First Methodist Church of Midland, and we participated in many family programs, including James Dobson?s Focus on the Family series on raising children. As I studied and learned, Scripture took on greater meaning, and gained confidence and understanding in my faith. I read the Bible regularly.

?Don Evans gave me the ?one-year? Bible, a Bible divided into 365 daily readings, each one including a section from the New Testament, the Old Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. I read through that Bible every other year. During the years in between, I pick different chapters to study at different times.

?I have also learned the power of prayer. I pray for guidance. I do not pray for earthly things, but for heavenly things, for wisdom and patience and understanding. My faith gives me focus and perspective. It teaches humility. But I also recognize that faith can be misinterpreted in the political process. Faith is an important part of my life. I believe it is important to live my faith, not flaunt it.

?America is a great country because of our religious freedoms. It is important for any leader to respect the faith of others. That point was driven home when Laura and I visited Israel in 1998. We had traveled to Rome to spend Thanksgiving with our daughter, who was attending a school program there, and spent three days in Israel on the way home. It was an incredible experience. I remember waking up at the Jerusalem Hilton and opening the curtains and seeing the Old City before us, the Jerusalem stone glowing gold. We visited the Western Wall and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. And we went to the Sea of Galilee and stood atop the hill where Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount. It was an overwhelming feeling to stand in the spot where the most famous speech in the history of the world was delivered, the spot where Jesus outlined the character and conduct of a believer and gave his disciples and the world the beatitudes, the golden rule, and the Lord?s Prayer.

?Our delegation included four gentile governors-one Methodist, two Catholics, and a Mormon, and several Jewish-American friends. Someone suggested we read Scripture. I chose to read ?Amazing Grace,? my favorite hymn. Later that night we all gathered at a restaurant in Tel Aviv for dinner before we boarded our middle-of-night flight back to America. We talked about the wonderful experiences and thanked the guides and government officials who had introduced us to their country.

?And toward the end of the meal, one of our friends rose to share a story, to tell us how he, a gentile, and his friend, a Jew, had (unbeknownst to the rest of us) walked down to the Sea of Galilee, joined hands underwater, and prayed together, on bended knee. Then out of his mouth came a hymn he had known as a child, a hymn he hadn?t thought about in years. He got every word right:

?Faith changes lives. I know, because faith has changed mine. I could not be governor if I did not believe in a divine plan that supersedes all human plans. Politics is a fickle business. Polls change. Today?s friend is tomorrow?s adversary. People lavish praise and attention. Many times it is genuine; sometimes it is not. Yet I build my life on a foundation that will not shift. My faith frees me. Frees me to put the problem of the moment in proper perspective. Frees me to make decisions that others might not like. Frees me to try to do the right thing, even though it may not poll well...

?The death penalty is a difficult issue for supporters as well as its opponents. I have a reverence for life; my faith teaches that life is a gift from our Creator. In a perfect world, life is given by God and only taken by God. I hope someday our society will respect life, the full spectrum of life, from the unborn to the elderly. I hope someday unborn children will be protected by law and welcomed in life.

?I support the death penalty because I believe, if administered swiftly and justly, capital punishment is a deterrent against future violence and will save other innocent lives. Some advocates of life will challenge why I oppose abortion yet support the death penalty. To me, it?s the difference between innocence and guilt.

?Today, two weeks after Jeb [Bush]?s inauguration, in my church in downtown Austin, Pastor Mark Craig, was telling me that my re-election was the first Governor to win back-to-back, four-year terms in the history of the State of Texas. It was a beginning, not an end.... People are starved for faithfulness. He talked of the need for honesty in government. He warned that leaders who cheat on their wives will cheat their country, will cheat their colleagues, will cheat themselves. Pastor Craig said that America is starved for honest leaders. He told the story of Moses, asked by God to lead his people to a land of milk and honey. Moses had a lot of reasons to shirk the task. As the Pastor told it, Moses? basic reaction was, ?Sorry, God, I?m busy. I?ve got a family. I?ve got sheep to tend. I?ve got a life. ?Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt? The people won?t believe me, he protested. I?m not a very good speaker. Oh, my Lord, send, I pray, some other person,? Moses pleaded.

?But God did not, and Moses ultimately did His bidding, leading his people through forty years of wilderness and wandering, relying on God for strength and direction and inspiration. ?People are starved for leadership,? Pastor Craig said, ?starved for leaders who have ethical and moral courage.? ?It is not enough to have an ethical compass to know right from wrong,? he argued. ?America needs leaders who have the moral courage to do what is right for the right reason. It?s not always easy or convenient for leaders to step forward,? he acknowledged. ?Remember, even Moses had doubts.?

??He was talking to you,? my mother later said. The pastor was, of course, talking to all of us, challenging each one of us to make the most of our lives, to assume the mantle of leadership and responsibility wherever we find it. He was calling on us to use whatever power we have, in business, in politics, in our communities, and in our families, to do good for the right reason. And his sermon spoke directly to my heart and my life.... There was no magic moment of decision. After talking with my family during the Christmas holidays, then hearing this rousing sermon, to make the most of every moment, during my inaugural church service, I gradually felt more comfortable with the prospect of a presidential campaign. My family would love me, my faith would sustain me, no matter what.

?During the more than half century of my life, we have seen an unprecedented decay in our American culture, a decay that has eroded the foundations of our collective values and moral standards of conduct. Our sense of personal responsibility has declined dramatically, just as the role and responsibility of the federal government have increased.

?The changing culture blurred the sharp contrast between right and wrong and created a new standard of conduct: ?If it feels good, do it.? and ?If you?ve got a problem, blame somebody else?. ?Individuals are not responsible for their actions,? the new culture has said. ?We are all victims of forces beyond our control.? We have gone from a culture of sacrifice and saving to a culture obsessed with grabbing all the gusto. We went from accepting responsibility to assigning blame. As government did more and more, individuals were required to do less and less. The new culture said: ?if people were poor, the government should feed them. If someone had no house, the government should provide one. If criminals are not responsible for their acts, then the answers are not prisons, but social programs....? ?For our culture to change, it must change one heart, one soul, and one conscience at a time. Government can spend money, but it cannot put hope in our hearts or a sense of purpose in our lives.?... ?But government should welcome the active involvement of people who are following a religious imperative to love their neighbors through after school programs, child care, drug treatment, maternity group homes, and a range of other services. Supporting these men and women - the soldiers in the armies of compassion - is the next bold step of welfare reform, because I know that changing hearts will change our entire society.?

?During the opening months of my presidential campaign, I have traveled our country and my heart has been warmed. My experiences have reinvigorated my faith in the greatness of Americans. They have reminded me that societies are renewed from the bottom up, not the top down. Everywhere I go, I see people of love and faith, taking time to help a neighbor in need... These people and thousands like them are the heart and soul and greatness of America. And I want to do my part.

?I am running for President because I believe America must seize this moment, America must lead. We must give our prosperity a greater purpose, a purpose of peace and freedom and hope. We are a great nation of good and loving people. And together, we have a charge to keep.?

I have been trying to think of something clever to say about the up-coming Presidential election, but I can?t. It has been my experience for some decades now that I find I favor the candidate I know the least about. So I suppose I vote against rather than for someone. Maybe that?s not too bad except when I decide I favor someone I try to avoid exposure to him.

At the outset I think I favored George W. Bush because I liked Bush?s father and I disliked Al Gore?s connection with Bill Clinton. I guess that doesn?t bother me as much now as the fact that he kisses his wife for votes. Some people kiss their wife because they love her and kiss babies and dogs for votes. He kisses his wife for votes. He makes Clinton seem almost honest for expressing urges we can at least understand.

I liked Joe Lieberman at the beginning. But we all know that Gore choosing him was on the same level as the reasons he kissed his wife. (Things get twisted around: Clinton might have kissed Lieberman?s wife. That would have, at least, been mildly amusing, but Gore kissing his own wife is disgusting. It should be the other way around if anything.) But of course Lieberman is changing to fit the position he finds himself in. After all, you can?t just say what the hell and speak your mind about things with the whole damn party depending on you. Look at all the money that might waste.

I liked Bush at the start but I have grown tired of his smirk. (To much exposure). His father had a nice smile.

Dick Cheney is a blank to me. (A real plus for him.)

I avoided the vice presidential debates. In the presidential debates the one real difference I heard between the candidates was simply that Gore favored abortion and Bush opposed abortion. That, and my conscience, may decide it for me.

Harry Kautz is 100% correct. The less we know about a candidate, the better they look (or not look, I suppose). So I think I have a solution:

It seems to me that with Al Gore now statistically out of the race and George W. Bush a certain shoo-in as our next president, that we might consider using our ballots to help some of the Third Party candidates get sufficient votes to qualify for funding for the next elections. Just go to any of the following websites and choose your favorite:

   http://www.libertarianparty.org/

   http://www.constitutionparty.org/

   http://www.americanheritageparty.org/

It seems a better alternative than just wasting our ballots on either Bush or Gore, no? Just a thought. What do you think?

[This is a letter that the members of my family and all others on my ?family and family friends distribution list? received after I suggested that they vote for their favorite Third party candidate now that Gore is statistically out of the race. He (the author of the diatribe below) is a long-time friend of my eldest daughter, Jeannie. Could we Alpha Delts be this far from the mainstream of American thinking?]

(from Tim) ?Normally, I have been ignoring the sort of political posturing posted here [in a family distribution list, not ? repeat NOT ? on ADPhi?s hallowed ground], but this election is too important for people not to take seriously and responsibly. So this is my plea to Ralph Nader supporters and other progressive thinkers. [Ed note: I really don?t think anyone in my family would vote for a candidate whose party (the Greens) have a platform plank that asks for a 100% income tax on all income earned above ten times the minimum wage.]

?If you truly believe that there is no difference between Al Gore and George Bush, as Ralph [Ed. note: and Harry Browne and Pat Buchanan and Howard Phillips and nearly any other Third Party candidate!] likes to keep on saying, then please disregard this. I do not have the persuasive skills or patience to deal with that sort of position, and I will not even lie and say that I respect your opinion. [Ed. note: Whew! I guess he isn?t a Libertarian. We are at least civil ? and accept the views of others.] The fact is, while you have a multitude of parties to choose from in the upcoming election, only two of these parties have a chance of winning the office of the presidency and all that this entails. While I will be the first to admit that neither candidate inspires in the way of a Joshua Bartlett (Martin Sheen?s character)from the NBC hit television series The West Wing, it is a serious responsibility that should not be avoided, but certainly not taken lightly. This is a very close race and a fair amount hangs in the balance. Too much for a vote to be wasted or thrown in a futile gesture of self-righteous ?principle?. [Ed. note: Too close? I thought it was a statistical impossibility for Al Gore to win.]

?Ralph Nader has drawn a fair amount of support from progressive people who want to see something other than the same old two party system. A lot of these people feel that the Democrats under Bill Clinton/Al Gore did not accomplish the things that they wanted in the past eight years, and they are absolutely correct. They feel that the only way to get their message across is to go to another party, one that more closely adheres to their goals and aspirations. In principle, this sounds good. In a parliamentary political system, this can work out, as seen in England and Germany to name a few countries. Reality check- the United States of America is not one of those countries, yet. In our system, and this is the system that will be used for the next election, if you have one party that is for A, B and C and two other parties that are for -A, -B, and -C but cannot agree on other issues, the two parties split the vote and the singular united party wins. It doesn?t matter if the two parties had more votes because those votes are not counted together. Period. We don?t do coalition governments in this country, and that is not likely to change soon. This is not my opinion, this is a fact.

?There have been people in the Nader camp who fear that voting for Ralph is basically going to insure that Bush gets into the White House instead of Gore. Current polls and trends would show a high likelihood of exactly that scenario. So the choice comes to the Nader voters, is it more important to ?vote your conscience? knowing that it will put Bush in the White House, or voting for the ?lesser of two evils?. [Ed. note: What about us Libertarians and others who lean AWAY from Socialism?]

?First, does ?voting your conscience? mean voting for Ralph Nader when you know with a pretty good level of certainty that this vote will serve to put Bush in the White House? Think about it- what does Nader stand for that will also be accomplished with Bush in the White House? While I will grant you that Bush and Gore are pretty similar on their trade policy, there are pretty significant differences on energy, environment, taxation, civil rights and a woman?s right to choose, and it is pretty obvious that Gore?s positions are much closer to Nader?s than Bush?s. [Ed. note: Hmmm . . . maybe Bush isn?t so bad after all . . .] Personally, I am sick to death of this ?lesser of two evils? crap. The Democrats managed to get back into the White House because they figured out that our nation is not as far to the left as Nader and others would like. And yes, they have not done all of the things that Nader and friends would like, because America does not want all that Nader and friends would like. While I agree with a lot of Nader?s ideas, many of them are so far beyond the pale that anyone espousing them has no chance of getting anywhere near the White House except as a tourist, and that is because we are a democracy.

?Do I think that people like Ralph Nader should just shut up and go away? Not at all. But until the system is changed to accommodate multiple parties, the Republicans and Democrats are going to dominate, at least at the presidential level. The way to change this, is to work from the local levels on up, starting with city government and then state representation and then on to Congress. If the Greens or Libertarians can get a fair number of seats there, then they can start to influence the debate and shape the day when we might have viable third and fourth party candidates. But that is not the case this year and everyone knows it. And it looks as though George W. Bush would have a Republican Congress as well, so all of the plans that Bill Clinton managed to kill with his veto pen, well, now they would have a receptive audience. And then there is the Supreme Court... The Republicans would like nothing better than for the liberals to be divided into two or more camps just like they did in 1968, because they know how to play the game. Don?t make the mistake that I did 20 years ago. I figured that there was no way that America would be silly enough to vote for Ronald Reagan, and I was not enthusiastic about Jimmy Carter, so I voted for John Anderson, figuring I would ?send a message?. I often wonder what things would have been like if I and others like me had really thought it through. I am asking that you really think it through.?

[Ed. note: Nader, Nader, Nader? What about Harry Browne or Howard Phillips, for goodness sakes? I guess he?s arguing that we should all vote for George Bush for the same reasons that Nader supporters should vote for Al Gore. What ever happened to pure unadulterated Democracy?]

I have this thing about truck exhaust. I think it has gotten much worse in recent years. I, like most people, spend a lot of time on urban freeways. I always see many trucks spewing lots of black soot over the landscape. Not only that, you can also smell them all the time.

I know there are many more trucks out there than there used to be, (another sign of our ?prosperity?), but I think it is more than that. I think it is offensive, and unhealthy that we have to live with it all the time. My paranoid scenario is that the truck people have found a way around pollution laws to use fuel and maintenance procedures to save a few pennies, and so to hell with my lungs.

I have this further scenario where health people some day discover an increase in deaths from lung cancer and can?t figure out what it?s due to. When they discover that it is due to truck exhaust in the air the truck people will deny it, say we need years of research to be absolutely sure they are killing people. If they must pay and extra few pennies they may not be able to deliver, say food, (and God forbid), computer equipment to the stores. The malls could get deserted.

Some day they may get regulated though. (Who knows, maybe utilities might even get regulated some day.) The offensive truck exhaust may then go the way of smoke stack emission, auto exhaust, cigarettes, and the steam locomotive. ( I realize that only the steam locomotive is really gone, but the others are at least under attack.)

(Some people are nostalgic about steam locomotives. Do you think someday we could get nostalgic about the soot that comes out of trucks?)

Maybe I should vote for Ralph Nader. [Ed. note: Gaaaaah!]

Excuse me for the ?Gaaaaah!? in the inappropriate ?Ed. note? above, Harry. Surely, Ralph Nader?s proposals relative to SUVs and trucks (essentially ban them!) would reduce the soot in the air. I am simply a realist who is willing to take it a step at a time and the EPA?s proposals that would presumably cut 97% of the sulfur in Diesel fuels (18 wheelers and buses, as a starter), plus stricter emission laws (by three or four times) will do the trick. Al Gore is proposing $4,000 and $5,000 tax credits for persons purchasing vehicles that are at least three times more efficient (presumably putting out two-third less soot) and then letting the free market do the job. I believe that if we urge President-Elect George W. Bush to follow through with Gore?s proposals ? and stick by his guns against the oil and combustion engine lobbies, things will at least be better for our grandchildren. Unfortunately, Ralph Nader?s proposals would set America back fifty years economically, and we?d probably all be huddling outside of our cardboard homes warming our hands over jerry-rigged coal-burning stoves ? and breathing worse air than we are today. Six winters of that in Itaewon (area in Seoul), Korea was enough for me!

But all that political bullshit aside, I agree with you, Harry, that the soot and smell of large trucks and buses (primarily the diesels) gets to me too. And although my Libertarian blood wants fewer regulations and laws dealing with just about everything, this is one area wherein I must side with the ?clean air? folks. Something like fifty of the chemicals in diesel exhaust are considered toxic and the ratio is something like 100 to 1 as regards diesel engines emitting sooty shit than gasoline engines. They are also a major contributor to the amount of nitrogen oxide in the air (the amount eludes me right now, but it?s a LOT!) and we city dwellers all know what smog alerts are.

We, the elderly, are probably the ones who suffer most, but I believe that the evidence is pretty strong that pneumonia, other respiratory diseases, heart failure and even cancer are related to what we see pouring out of those damnable pipes on the fronts of large trucks and out the rear end of most buses. I?d like to hear from one or more of our medical doctor brethren on this.

Whatever, the only coherent words that came with these "sightings" were the words, "This is what old retirees do in their spare time." [Ed. note> I don't know which one was from Bob and which was from Jim, but as for me, I'm not retired, but I went up to Gold Creek on the Soqualmee Pass last weekend to practice some shooting and watch salmon spawn. No such sightings there. Also, these pictures are probably both fakes. Nessie wouldn't be seen dead with a smile on his/her face and Hillary has "keep your filthy hands off me, Bill!" painted on her . . . uhh . . . whatevers. You just can't trust those Alpha Delts.]

I am thinking of opening a computer store called ?dotcom?. Then I could have a web site: ?www.dotcom.com?. (The last dot ends the sentence).

I am motivated by ?Bob and Ray?. Do you remember Bob and Ray? They had a radio show and later a TV show. They had a fictitious radio station called:

WWFM and WFFM-FM. That was funny in those days. They also made fun of commercials. I remember them doing things like testimonials on how mild certain cigarettes were. I remember, for example, (on TV ) a man standing holding a rope. The announcer, (Bob or Ray), asked him what he was doing. He said he was at the end of his rope. The announcer handed him another and said ?here, try our rope?. The man would say their rope was much milder.

Henry Morgan would also make fun of commercials. Do you remember Henry Morgan? (Well darling you're much older than I. ---no no no forget that.)

Anyway Henry Morgan would lose sponsors because they felt insulted. I remember he was once sponsored by Gillette razors. After doing a commercial about the Gillette safety dispenser he went into a monolog about what if the blade slipped off the razor while inserting and fell on the floor with those sharp double edges laying there. He went into the terrible ways you could cut yourself trying to pick it up. Needless to say, Gillette wasn?t around the following week.

The Henry Morgan Show was the first place I heard of Arnold Stang. He later appeared on the Milton Berle TV show. Whenever, in whatever context, Berle said the word ?makeup? Stang would run out on the stage shouting ?makeup!? and hit Berle in the face with a big powder puff. Then Berle would stand there with his face all white with powder. We really laughed at stuff like that. Still, I wish TV was like that again. [Ed. note: Amen!!]

So I guess this turned into nostalgia nonsense. [Ed. note: Nostalgia ? yes; nonsense ? absolutely not!]

PS - Did you notice how, when I innocently typed

   http://www.dotcom.com

it turned blue. (There, it happened again.) I?m afraid to click on it. [Ed. note: I did and it's a pretty interesting site -- not porno either -- damnit!. Lots of interesting links and info about the "dot-com world," such as it is.]

The ?joke? below is more true than untrue, believe me. I have to deal with those turkeys from Microsucks almost daily. Whew!

. . .

One of Microsoft Network's finest support technicians was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target.

He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area . . . "It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!"

RSN notes, "This one is quite cleverly done!" [Ed. Note: I agree, Bob; this one is a classic!]

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

Vote Wisely!

I thought I'd save you the trouble of staying up late on Tuesday night. I analyzed all available data and have concluded that Mr. George W. Bush will get roughly 3% more votes (what's called the "Popular Vote") than Mr. Al Gore.

I have also concluded that Mr. Gore will win 281 Electoral Votes and Mr. Bush 257. The ensuing outrage at such a travesty will result in the end of the Electoral College.

Remember, you heard it here first!

I been predicting just that...but not with your "precision". I really think it will happen. I expect a "constitutional crisis" and a bunch of asshole congressman running for cover. Believe it or not, there will still be a few jerks defending the old system ("The founding fathers were infallable").

(from Robert J. Grady, Lt. Col., USAF (Ret), Colorado Springs)

For all of us who still remember. Let those who don't, understand!

"I was embarrassed to read that President Clinton and his advisors have said, 'The older generation must learn to sacrifice as other generations have done.' That's my generation. I knew eventually someone would ferret out the dirty secret: we've lived the "lifestyle of the rich and famous" all our lives.

Now, I know I must bare the truth about my generation and let the country condemn us for our selfishness. We certainly don't deserve any of that Social Security money that we've put away for 45 or 50 years! We sure don't need help with our medical bills...no, we've surely got enough put away for a $250,000 open heart surgery bill. We've had so much fun in our lives, why just read the following:

During the Depression we had a hilarious time dancing to the tune of Brother Can You Spare a Dime?" We could choose to dine at any of the country's fabulous soup kitchens, often joined by our parents and siblings...those were the heady days of carefree self-indulgence.

Then, with World War II, the cup filled to overflowing. We had the chance to bask on the exotic beaches of Guadalcanal, Iwo Jima and Okinawa; to see the capitals of Europe and travel to such scenic spots as Bastogne, Malmedy and Monte Cassino. Of course, one of the most exhilarating adventures was the stroll from Bataan to the local Japanese hotels, laughingly known as death camps.

But the good times really rolled for those lucky enough to be on the beaches of Normandy for the swimming and boating that pleasant June day in'44.

Unforgettable.

Even luckier were those that drew the prized holiday tickets for cruises on sleek, gray ships to fun filled spots like Midway, The Solomons and Murmansk. Instead of asking, "what can we do for our country," an indulgent government let us fritter away our youth wandering idly through the lush and lovely jungles of Burma and New Guinea.

Yes, it's all true: we were pampered, we were spoiled rotten, we never did realize what sacrifice meant. We envy you, Mr. Clinton, the harsh lessons you learned in London, Moscow, Little Rock, and the secluded cubby's of the Oval office with a young intern.

My generation is old, Mr. President...and guilty; but we are repentant. Punish us for our failings, sir, that we may learn the true meaning of Duty, Honor, and Country. Give that money that we've been putting in to Social Security and Medicare to those more deserving ...like yourself?"

Okay, okay . . . so missed it by a few million votes or so. But Oreon and I are getting our wish (presumably) in that the popular vote and Electoral College votes will go in opposite directions. Now, this generation of politicians (the American public doesn?t count) will have to grapple with the question of the horse and carriage being allowed on super highways. And meanwhile, we all wait for the vote-counters (unemployed illegal Cuban immigrants and seasonal fruit-pickers normally) count each and every vote in Florida under the scrutiny of literally hundreds of ?watchers.? Only in America!

Not only did you [Joe R.] miss it by a few million, you picked the opposite candidates to do it. Now that the two empty suits are fighting to see who will be ?leader? of the free world, whoever winds up in the White House will have one helluva job to run this discombobulated country.

While they're counting (and probably changing) ballots in Florida, I feel as though we should at least comment on this blurb by a former marine (and currently a comedian/satirist) who is still smarting from the "Tailhook Scandal." My memories of our parties on Bellflower suggest that he is probably not quite telling it 'as it was.' Further, my own memories of some of the pretty terrible things we did while in Nam back in 69-70 -- especially while on R&R in Bangkok -- would give the militant feminists a lot to chew on. What do you think?

(From comedian Drew Carey)

"How many militant feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

?Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kiss my ass.

?That's right. I said kiss my ass. 'Cause I've had it. I'm tired of being pushed around. Tired of being grouped in with all the dead-beat dads and rapists and lecherous bosses just because I'm a man.

?All men aren't "potential rapists." I'm not a potential rapist. But, I am a potential murderer if all of you don't shut up and get out of my face already. You've ruined it for everybody. Everybody, do you hear me?

?Men, women everybody.

Because of you and everyone else in this society that needs to play political victim and go to court instead of just dealing with it themselves, no one can have any kind of fun anymore. Men and women can't flirt, or hug, or look at anyone sideways because of you and your lawyers.

?Are you happy? You've used a bomb to kill a few ants. And while I'm at it... Naval Aviators [and most other active duty military], who are willing to die so that we can have low prices at the gas pump, should be able to throw the wildest parties they can manage without one uptight biddy coming in and stopping it.

?There were scads of women at that Tailhook party who were having the time of their lives, voluntarily being just as debauched as any of the men were. Everyone who flew a plane, or even knew someone who flew a plane, knew how wild those parties were and what went on. What did she expect? A prayer service?

?And why didn't she just throw some punches of her own when these couple of guys groped her? Why didn't she give them what they had coming and just kick them in the balls? Didn't our tax money go to teach her how to fight? I'm not trying to make the idiotic "she had it coming" argument here, which would go something like "of course they grabbed her breasts, look how big they are.? ? plus, just reaching out and grabbing some boob is wrong no matter what.

?When I was in college, even at our most drunken fraternity parties we never acted like that [Ed. note: I believe we did ? at least, most of us] . No matter how hard I try I can't think of an excuse good enough to do something like that. But it's still nothing to lose a career over.

?Besides, fighter pilots are supposed to be aggressive assholes. That's what we pay them for. I don't know about you, but I don't want a navy full of fighter pilots who are gifted at giving sensitivity seminars. I want mad-dog, rabid killers going to battle for me and mine. Man or woman. When our stable gas prices are threatened by a Middle-Eastern Madman, when we want to force our form of government on some poor, unsuspecting Latin American country, when uppity foreign diplomats "forget" to pay their parking tickets, I want to be able to call on men and women who like to fight and drink. I want a naval officer who knows how to whack some drunk in the balls when he grabs her tits, not call a press conference, and a lawyer.

?If you're a wimp who doesn't know how to find the exit at a rowdy party, go fly a kite, not a jet fighter.? ? so there!? [End of quote]

Interesting...I don't remember the drunken orgies at the fraternity house being of such a nature that everyone grabbed anyone else's babe by the tits...if they would have, fraternity Brother or not, I would have knocked them in the teeth. Were we angels? Shiiiiit no...I had a couple of romps in the basement myself...(there was a couch and a sofa bed --- I preferred the couch --- fewer fleas). But wantonly to grab somebody's ass or boobs...maybe I was blind, but I don't remember that.

Here's a little part of US history which makes you go hmmmmm....

Have a history teacher explain this ---- if possible.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Both men served in the U.S. Senate.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both men were married in their thirties to women in their twenties.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Both presidents were slain while seated next to their wives.

Both men were carried on the same caisson after ther deaths.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. [Ed. note: This "fact" is under debate.]

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

The names Andrew and Lyndon each contain six letters.

In 1860, Lincoln was elected president with less than 50% of the vote over Steven Douglas, born in 1813.
In 1960, Kennedy was elected president with less than 50% of the vote over Richard Nixon, born in 1913.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with [in?] Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy, huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause, hey, this is one history lesson people don't mind listening to!

[Ed. Note: How about this one? I know two guys each of whose last names have four letters, each of whose first names have six letters, each of whom come from a state beginning with the letter "T" and each thinks he's been elected President of the United States -- at least as of today! Isn't this election a hoot?]

Never Again" (By Anon.)

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton walk down the steps of Air Force One while a proud Marine in full dress uniform crisply salutes him. A Marine who fully comprehends duty, honor and country in a way that the man he is saluting never will.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton on Veterans' Day place a wreath on the hallowed Tomb of the Unknown Soldier while he dramatically bites his lower lip in an effort to appear that he cares or even appreciates what this place is all about. A place where truly brave men and women who personally paid the ultimate price for freedom are forever remembered.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton on national television wag his finger at each and every American and unconscionably lie to us.

Never again will I have to witness Bill Clinton sending young men and women of the military into frivolous but life-threatening action to deflect attention from the personal scandals that confront him at home.

Never again will I see Bill Clinton's name on a ballot. [Ed. note: Watch for Hillary, Jim!]

Never again will I be embarrassed by Bill Clinton's disgusting and abhorrent behavior with a twenty-four year old woman in the Oval Office.

Never again will Bill Clinton have the power to conduct an eight year "social experiment" with the United States Armed Forces, driving the best out while systematically crippling the overall capability, effectiveness and morale of the remaining troops.

Never again will I have to be embarrassed to say Bill Clinton represents me, a proud citizen of the United States of America.

Never again will Bill Clinton be able to sell the historic Lincoln bedroom to the highest bidder, the Chinese, felons, and other disreputable characters.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton departing church with his equally pitiful wife, clutching an oversized Bible in his hand as if to make us believe that he has repented for any of his misdeeds.

Never again will I have to see a joint session of Congress rise to their feet in the Capitol when the deceitful and shameless Bill Clinton enters the chamber.

And finally,

Never again will I have to refer to Bill Clinton as "President of the United States."

May God Bless America, (Author Unknown)

[Ed. note: I don't know whom among the folks referenced in the last several items was horniest -- the Tailgate party goers, the Alpha Delts in the basement on Bellflower or Mr. Clinton, but the above picture in Jim's item sort of suggests an answer to that perplexing question.]

All right! This foolishness in Florida has finally gotten my goat. As a Libertarian, I really don?t give a rat?s ass at this time whether that smirking, whining coward in Texas wins the election or the arrogant French kisser ? who heaves a monstrous sigh after every sentence ? wins it. Hellfire, as incompetent as either might be, they would both be an improvement over William Jefferson Clitorious -- not as in "meritorious.". (You all recall how we somehow manufactured Greek-sounding last names for each other, don't you? Well, Clinton made it easy for whomever of you came up with this one.)

But to the point and for the love of bananas, are we gonna let some lady who was a major operative in the Bush campaign tell us that a machine-count of punched card ballots is more accurate than a hand-count?

I am just old enough (ahem) to recall when I had to brush, blow and shake punched cards so as to have my code properly read by the same kind of optical reader that is being used in Florida. A chad-brush was a standard accessory, and without it, my punched cards would have been useless. Those poor blokes in Florida weren?t voting; they may just as well have been playing Bingo.

It was a couple of years before they had perfected key-punch machines that punched chad-free holes in our punched cards back in the 1960s, and these poor voters were trying to poke out the chad with a pointed (blunt) instrument of some sort -- by hand, for the love of God. Our error-rate (prior to the supposedly chad-free keypunch machines) with machines was pretty high -- say in the 2 - 4% range. Can you imagine what the error rate was for Florida's hand-punched ballot/cards? My son who works with computers in Tallahassee said that the second machine count (the one mandated by the 1/2 of 1% difference in the counts) resulted in thousands of additional numbers for all candidates -- just as a result of the chad finally being dislodged during the second time through the machines.

Of course, the votes should be hand-counted ? and I mean every single ballot that was little more than a punched card. If I voted and had to wonder whether my vote was counted because I might not have pushed the chad completely free of the ballot, I?d be damned pissed. Ms. Katherine Harris is not God; and most others like her were buried in the rubble towards the end of World War II. She is simply Florida?s Secretary of State and she ought to start acting like a "state"sman rather than a hack politician.

Frankly, she looks like the Wicked Witch of the East!

So let's get on with it and count those damned ballots -- and then insist that Ms. Harris accept every stinking one of them. Let the chips (chad) fall where they may. That goes for the absentee ballots also. I understand that some of those ballots for the State of Washington ended up in Denmark! Let?s at least have a President who was (to the best of our abilities) the choice of the plurality of voters.

Yeesh!

The real facists are the Democrats trying to steal the election with their hand counting. Katherine Harris is my hero! Finally someone willing to uphold the rule of law (which I know is unimaginable to Clinton, Gore & Co.)

Enjoy the WSJ article below.

Your friend Bob Novak thought you might be interested in this article from OpinionJournal and forwarded it to you.

The Trouble With Hand-Counting

Even Democrats acknowledge it's not necessarily accurate.

Florida's Supreme Court yesterday approved manual recounts of ballots in the state's counties. This decision will no doubt be used to assert that manual counting is the gold standard of accurately determining an election result. The notion seems to be that if you let individuals look at the ballots and record what they see, the result will be as accurate as knowing that a playing card with the number 2 and two red hearts on it is in fact the two of hearts. This is not true. Hand counting is not as infallible as cable news viewers are being led to believe. The problems with hand counting are very well known to professional election supervisors.

In Florida itself, Hillsborough County's Democratic Supervisor of Elections, Pam Iorio, has been quoted to this effect several times the past week. "Hand counting is not always the most accurate indicator of voter intent," she was quoted as saying by the wire services.

In a Washington Post story earlier in the week, Ms. Iorio said: "Oh, no, to start manually recounting millions of ballots in the state of Florida would cause more problems than it would solve. The norm is, 'What do the machines count?' You vote a ballot, and it's what the machine counts that counts. With a manual recount, each ballot is at the discretion of a human being. . . . You're going to get mired in problems."

The St. Petersburg Times this week wrote about the accuracy of hand counts and described the opinion of Pasco County Supervisor of Elections Kurt Browning: "Browning, who is also a Democrat, recalled the 'good old days' of hand counting ballots and said the system was far less accurate than the machines that count punch cards."

Bear in mind that the object being tabulated here is a machine punch-card; it is not a piece of paper that says "Bush" or "Gore." Hand counting these chad-filled cards is laborious, tedious work performed under time pressure. The people doing it have come off the street and in general have not done it before. Mistakes are inevitable. The ballots, normally stacked and run through the machine, are handled, and every time they are handled, it is possible to alter the ballot, accidentally or intentionally.

But perhaps the worst aspect of hand counting, as it has been proposed in this instance, is that there are no uniform, common standards among Florida's counties for conducting a recount by hand. Thus in one lawsuit, circuit Judge Jorge Labarga said he would leave it to the discretion of the local county election officials to decide if, and how, they would count "dimpled chads." In the absence of uniform standards, and with the standards for this particular recount left to discretion, the incentives to let politics influence interpretations and judgment calls are very strong.

We are not arguing that recounts are impossible or should never be done. We are pushing against the conventional wisdom just now that the manual counts of Florida's punch-card ballots will produce the gospel truth about who won in these counties.

Speaking of foolishness...how many re-counts does it take to make an election viable?

Hmmmmm? I thought the reason machines were originally proposed and used was to eliminate (1) human error (2) fraud and (3) slowness. But I'm a Luddite I guess...nothing like making an election more accurate by allowing all the partisans to go in there, subjectively suggest that the person really wanted to vote for Gore even though he pushed five or six other holes...bullshit. Those old fucks down there can manipulate 40 bingo cards at one time, why the hell can't they manipulate a ballot? If they can't they shouldn't vote. I'm not in favor of making people vote. If they're too fucking dumb to either give a shit or understand then let them go and drink wine at the local pub for all I care...or the local homeless shelter, or the bum's place where ever it may be. A pox on all their houses.

I just wanted to inform you before the election closes of some prophecy concerning a US presidential election. It was predicted over 400 years ago by Nostradamus -- and published in a boom of "discussions" in 1997. If his prophecies are being interpreted correctly, this might be concerning the "current" election:

I p 148 (cVII-41)

"The presidents of the U.S., a supposedly free country, have been abusing their power to an increasingly greater extent. During a time of social unrest, the electoral college will be in a state of confusion over the election of the new president. The process will stalemate for several days, with many people clamoring for whichever candidate they voted for, causing enormous tension in the country. Internationally it will be a sensitive situation.

"Because of the split between the political parties, and the extremely volatile and explosive social unrest, putting either candidate in office instead of the other could start a civil war or a revolution. After a long time of impassioned speeches invoking patriotism and the founding fathers, a compromise solution of holding another election will be taken, and a candidate will be installed without disaster."

Here is the source of this information:

This is a compilation and consolidation of key information from the books in the trilogy, Conversations with Nostradamus by Dolores Cannon. Volumes I and II are available from America West Publishers, P.O. Box 986, Tehachapi, CA 93581, ph (805) 822-9655. Volume III is available from Ozark Mountain Publishers, P.O. Box 754, Huntsville, AR 72740-0754. A good introduction to the overall project and relationship between D.Cannon, her subjects, Nostradamus, and the quatrains can be found in chapter 7 of I.

Oh yes, you will find that this was published in 1997. Being a church-going Christian, I find this amusing more than amything else -- kinda like Harry's list of coincidences relative to Kennedy and Lincoln (above). I have no idea what a quatrain is. Nor do I know whether Nostradamus was an Alpha Delt -- was he even a Greek?

I am always impressed by the comparisons of Kennedy and Lincoln and the similarities that they seemed to have. Here are a few more interesting comparisons:

Lincoln sported a beard
Kennedy didn't

Lincoln rode in a horse and buggy
Kennedy cruised in a Lincoln

Lincoln was faithful to his wife
Kennedy wasn't

Mary Todd Lincoln was a dog
Jacqueline Kennedy was a looker

Lincoln was born in poverty
Kennedy was born to immense wealth

Lincoln campaigned for office and won handily
Kennedy bought the office and just scraped by

Lincoln was a competent attorney
Kennedy wasn't

Lincoln left no heirs
Kennedy left two

Lincoln is considered a great president by many
Kennedy isn't. (Much to the chagrin of those who loved him)

[Ed. note: Hey, yeah and come to think of it, Kennedy was a Democrat and Lincoln was a Republican . . . kinda makes you want to believe in God, eh? These coincidences simply go beyond all belief!]

Hey, Oreon! I was just thinking about the neat-oh Phonics Program you developed, and something prophound hit me square between the ears. Why do you spell "Phonics" non-foh-neh-ti-cal-lee? We Alpha Delts pride ourselves in being a literary group and then you go and develop something so neat and name it so non-fonetically. And Harry -- you can legitimately note that both Lincoln and Kennedy were males married to females. At the rate our country is moving, that will be a one-in-four shot one hundred years from now.

Educated people can forever guess whether or not the US was unwise in not supporting Ho when he asked for it, but that is in the past. I saw, on the front page of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, a photo of Bill Clinton with that dip shit smile of his and in the background a huge bust or photo/painting of Ho Chi Minh. This man from Arkansas spits on the graves of people whose shoes he isn't fit to polish, and I have not too much respect for the people that elected him.

You forgot one important part of the quote about opinions:

"Opinions are like assholes...everyone has one and they all stink!"

Surely, you jest, Jim! Could you say that that (your opinion on opinions) applies to Cindy Crawford, Michelle Pfeiffer (sp?) or say, Jesus Christ of Nazareth? I've always believed that some persons never ever have to use the toilet. Take Santa Claus, for instance . . . or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

And while on the subject of Opinions, isn't it a sad state of affairs in Florida? We should somehow contact the thousands of former Hudson Chapter Alpha Delts down there and have them march in protest of the obvious lack of democracy. Those ballots in Miami-Dade County simply have to be counted, whether they support a Democrat or not, right guys?

Besides, Al Gore reminds me mightily of our own Bill Gura and I would bet dollars to donuts we would have black-balled George W. Bush in a heartbeat.

But for a different perspective than several of you seem to have, you might read the following from Woody Allen. This might be called "Crimes and Misdemeanors."

Woody wrote an article for Le Monde, the French Newspaper, called ?I?m Voting for The Bore? in which he whines that he?s a reluctant Gore supporter because he prefers boring to ?inept.?

?I find many similarities between Dan Quayle and George W. Bush,? Allen wrote, ?none of them are flattering because they all have to do with intelligence or the lack thereof.?

? ?W? is the kind of guy you see in the stands at a football game with war paint on a bare chest,? Allen wrote. ?Gore, his rival, is like a character in a film who is promised in marriage to a beautiful girl but loses at the last minute in favor of the hero.?

In reference to Joseph Lieberman, Allen wrote that America isn?t ready for a Jewish vice president. ?I am sad to say that even if it preaches idealism and tolerance, America is not at ease with Jews who go too far in national elections.? Regarding the other candidates, Allen says Ralph Nader ?has too much honesty and wisdom to have a chance to be elected? and he calls Pat Buchanan ?a cretin of the extreme right who seems to regard Auschwitz as a theme park.?

I got a poem from a golf friend in Florida concerning the recounts.

We already have an entry in "Harry's Place" by Oreon about a former girl friend who he swears he could just not imagine shitting. He tells of a time I greeted her at the frat house door, went to get him, and announced that "Shitless is here".

That's my only recollection of me - women - and shit. (And not even necessarily in that order).

[Ed. note: This was in response to my email apology for having "accused" Harry of thinking such thoughts -- Oreon's -- about the Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz movie while forgetting that "Dorothy" is a broad term for a category of women. Just call me "Shitless in Seattle"! As for the weather here, it's shitty in Seattle.]

This is in response the one you guys sent (Item #113, above) that is along the same lines -- but aimed at Algore.

Lieberman is spelled Lieberman...not Liberman...sorry...can't stand misspelled wurds.

Thanks! It has been duly corrected. But I know what you mean about spelling errors getting to you, Jim; it's those sentences that end with prepositions that I get wound up about.

Twas Two Weeks After Election Day by Marlene Bartlett and children; Theron (age 16) and Ashley (age 14) (a group effort!)

I'm surprised no one has said diddly since the election of George W. Bush. I voted for Bush for one reason only. Cher, Barbara Streisand and Rosy O'Donnell were going to move to France if Bush won. I'm waiting for them to leave. Five will get you ten they will just stay in the US of A and continue to milk the suckers that are willing to shell out good money to see them.

Another little note. Does anyone think that the salary madness in Baseball (or for that matter, all professional sports) will ever end? Manny Ramierez getting more money in one year than thousands of litle companies that have hundreds of thousands of workers.

And Joe, just as you don't like using prepositions to end sentences with, I hate people that start sentences with conjunctions.

[Ed. note: I think Alex Rodriguez getting 252 mil over ten years is beyond understanding. Besides, it lured him away from Seattle, my home of recent years.]

BREAKING NEWS: GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT Bush to be smitten later today

In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George W. Bush.

"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."

"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida will never be known. Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."

Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.

"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."

"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."

God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."

"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Pat Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Al Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."

Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.

Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.

For some odd reason, as I was "drifting" through the "rant and rave" website I happened on your passage about Mark Helprin's talk to West Point. I had not read it up to now and it was a touching commentary that moved me. His mea culpas not withstanding, it struck a particularly poignant note with me because my son Matthew, who joined the Coast Guard Reserves three years ago, got a presidential request from the ass-in-charge (who wouldn't serve his country when called) to go to the Persian Gulf, ostensibly to make sure that no more "Cole" incidents occur. Now this call up was disturbing and distressing to my wife and myself, not only from the standpoint that he got pulled out of college a week before finals, but that Clinton's Nation Building efforts are fraught with many dangers.

Matthew didn't complain or whine, knowing full well that he signed a paper obliging him for a period of time and he is willing to keep his end of the bargain. Ironically, because of the military cut backs (Clinton and Gore have seemed to ignore), he has to pay for his own food over there...happily he is supposed to be reimbursed when he gets stateside.

I maintain my stance on Bush...the only reason I voted for him was so that Streisand, Cher and O'Donnell would move to France. I do hope he does something to reinforce the military...National Guardsmen and Reserves were designed to be the homeguard...not the regular military.

A friend has just sent me this.

If true, it's quite amazing. Can anyone confirm?

In 1555 Nostradamus wrote :-

My vote notwithstanding, whether Gore, Bush, or the Constitution was changed to keep Clinton, a village idiot would have been in charge of the greatest country in the world at the millennium. [Ed. note: Hmmm . . . according to Harry Crotch, the millennium will begin next month -- who knows who might step into the White House in December 2001.]

This Millennium Marker Dedicated to
Harry Eugene Kautz and the US Naval Observatory

Enjoy. Also know that if you have lived with someone for more than 40 days you either become one of them or you move on. Consequently and practically, you are all government employees. However, My Kind of Government Employees are not what is defined to be in the story below. [Ed. note: Did I edit this corrrectly, Harry?]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once. N

ow that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

Take a step back...

Take a stroll with me. . .
Close your eyes . . .
And go back . . .
Before the Internet . . .
Before semiautomatics and crack . . .
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo . . .
Swayback . . .

I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop, about hide and go seek, Simon Says, Red light - Green light. Lunch boxes with a thermos.

Chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks, Hula Hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Janes, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom. Running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Spin & Marty . . . all in black & white.

When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Remember that?

Not stepping on a crack or you'll break our mother's back . . . paper chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington ...the smell of paste in school and Evening in Paris. What about the girl who dotted her "i's" with hearts? The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops.

Remember when . . .there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym."

And the girls had those ugly gym uniforms. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance, When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday and wore high heels. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed . . and did!

When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium and you danced to an orchestra. When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car . . .to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped bandaids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.

Thanks for that, Jim!

It was a different era in Mankind?s history, all right. For goodness sake, there was even a school called Western Reserve University back then ? with honest-to-goodness liberal arts students. Yes, we were uncomfortably close (geographically) to that geek school, Case Institute of Technology . . . but who would have guessed then? I?ll never get used to Case-Western Reserve University (and why is Case before Western Reserve in the name?). Word had it that there was a machine called a ?computer? over there at Case, but other than that one football game each season, there was as much in common between the two schools as between Hillary Clinton and Steven Hawking. Unfortunately, WRU would be identified with Hillary, I suppose.

Let?s see . . . wasn?t Alpha Delta Phi all men and boys back then? Who in hell decided to make it co-ed anyway?

And weren?t most of you still enamored by tail fins on Cadillacs? I worked at Cadillac (my dad was with them for his entire career ? something unheard of today) and even know where the fins came from, more or less. They were a tribute to the P-38, a twin-fuselage bomber used in WW II. To be honest, I thought those fins were gorpy back in the early 50s, long before they disappeared in the 60s.

And train rides were the thing back then too. I don?t honestly remember, but didn?t Jim Deibel and I take a train when we went to the Alpha Delta Phi meeting or whatever it was called at Cornell in 1956 or 1957? That would be unheard of today. Hellfire, I flew from Milwaukee to Chicago (under 100 miles) after visiting Joe Szabo (and my sister, Mary Lou Szabo) over the Christmas holidays three or four weeks ago.

And which one of you was it, Harry Kautz or Doug Winter who worked your afternoon classes around so that you could monopolize our one TV watching Howdy Doody?

Look what you started, Jim!

Mr. Clinton has nearly broken the tether with any tiny bit of support he might have gotten from me with his decision to side with Buddy, the White House animule, over Socks, the loyal White House cat resued by Chelsea Clinton almost a decade ago. Hopefully, they will come to an accord that will allow them to keep Socks, who (strange, but true) loves the Clintons and expects nothing but loyalty in return.

But that aside, I feel compelled to present to you a well-written editorial I ran into. I'm not always in agreement with the Washington Post, but sometimes they hit the nail on the head.

The Clinton Presidency
Sunday, January 14, 2001; Page B06

BILL CLINTON'S eight ragged years as president included some significant accomplishments. But our overwhelming sense in looking back at them is one of disappointment at opportunities lost. There are always many reasons for missed chances, and it is easy to exaggerate the importance of any one of them. Views of the Clinton presidency, as of every presidency, will change. But it seems to us that this was a president whose character betrayed his skills, and in the process betrayed his party and his politics as well. A chance in the first term to reform the health care system was lost in part to hubris and perhaps a failure to recognize the difference between the Arkansas stage that the Clintons had so dominated and the national stage that they could not. Almost the entire second term was spent digging out from under massive personal self-indulgence of a different kind in which not just the president but the presidency was debased and bent out of shape in the service of a lie. The president himself said that an opening existed in the second term to put Social Security on a sound financial footing, but to do so would require politically risky if not painful steps from which in the end he flinched.

Mr. Clinton played a signal role in preparing the country for the expansion of trade and the knitting together of markets and national economies that has come to be called globalization, the development that may eventually be seen as the great event of the 1990s. He backed several major trade agreements, including the North American Free Trade Agreement and the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade creating the World Trade Organization, that fueled the process and ensured that the American economy would fully reap its benefits. His commitment seemed to falter at times, notably in the face of anti-trade demonstrations in Seattle. But his administration twice acted swiftly to head off crises in the global financial system, in Mexico in 1994 and in Asia in 1997, and did much to persuade countries like China and India to open their economies to free trade and free markets.

Mr. Clinton's domestic policies also helped the United States compete in this new economic world. His first budget put the country on a sounder fiscal course, in which the burden of deficits gave way to the opportunities of surpluses. The fiscal discipline led to an easing of interest rates; the lower rates helped generate new waves of investment in and by U.S. business. The stock market boomed, Silicon Valley soared, and both unemployment and inflation dropped to their lowest levels in a generation. Welfare reform, the other major restructuring of government on his watch, has been a success over four years in reducing the rolls and returning many people to work. It has yet to be tested by an economic downturn, and we continue to fear that it will leave too many people vulnerable to hard times. But it too advanced the cause of a streamlined federal government that attacks social problems as much through a stronger private economy as through entitlement programs. Over the years, some of Mr. Clinton's allies here and in Europe came to see such policies as pioneering a "Third Way," a program tailored for the technology and trade-driven economies of the 21st century. Whether that slogan survives or proves to have been mere hype will be seen in the decade to come.

Apart from the economic, Mr. Clinton's foreign policy followed a steep and at times costly learning curve. He came to office promising to intervene in the Balkans, revoke China's trade privileges and admit refugees from Haiti, only to be dragged through painful reversals on all three issues. He never did formulate a coherent policy toward post-Cold War Russia or China, veering between confrontation and an ill-conceived "strategic partnership" with Beijing, leaning heavily on a shaky Russian president, Boris Yeltsin, and playing down serious human rights abuses by both countries. If the administration helped make parts of the world safer than they were eight years ago -- for example, by encouraging peace in Northern Ireland and by persuading three former Soviet republics to give up their nuclear weapons -- it left other dangers more inflamed. That seemed especially true in the Middle East, where Saddam Hussein remains in power and less fettered than before in his quest to rebuild his arsenal, and where Mr. Clinton's energetic peacemaking has left Israelis and Palestinians in the midst of violence. Yet over time, and after serious mistakes in Somalia, the Balkans and Rwanda, Mr. Clinton absorbed a crucial lesson: As the world's only big power, the United States must actively engage in the world's trouble spots, if not with troops then with vigorous diplomacy, or risk larger diplomatic or military reverses. By the end of his second term, the president had demonstrated how American military intervention could protect vital interests in the Balkans, while active diplomacy could assuage problems in places from Ethiopia to East Timor.

Mr. Clinton greatly increased federal aid to higher education. But most other domestic initiatives in the last six years particularly tended to be relatively small ones made to look large. His greatest accomplishments were mainly political and defensive as distinct from substantive and structural. He was blessed in his principal adversaries -- Newt Gingrich, who so overreached after the stunning Republican victory in the 1994 elections, and Bob Dole, who underperformed in 1996. The overwhelming complexity of his ambitious health care plan and its mostly deserved collapse in a nonperforming Democratic Congress helped bring about the Democratic defeat in 1994, but thereafter the president was regularly able to outmaneuver the congressional Republicans -- preempt their issues, for the most part deflect their agenda and substitute his limited own. Given the nature of their agenda, that was not a minor contribution, but it was mainly a tactical success.

Mr. Clinton repositioned his party. The goal was to move it to the middle on a number of issues -- welfare, for example -- that had previously belonged to the Republicans, even while maintaining the traditional concerns for health care, aid to the elderly and the poor, and more. To what extent the partial blurring of differences worked to the Democrats' advantage isn't clear. In 1993 both houses of Congress and the White House were in Democratic hands; now none will be. Nor have politics become more civil. If anything, they are clearly less so than eight years ago. That is hardly entirely Mr. Clinton's fault, but he and his permanent war room of a White House clearly played a part. He likewise leaves the campaign finance system in far worse condition than he found it; he continues to claim to want nothing more than to reform it, but he has been the great perfecter of the abuses that he professes to abhor.

Mr. Clinton leaves a mostly strong record on civil rights. He went well beyond any predecessor in office in defense of the rights of gays. For all the trouble he had in winning their confirmation, he did a commendable job of picking mostly moderate and highly capable judicial nominees as well. His record on civil liberties was spottier. He was a relative latecomer to the cause of environmental protection. It became politically useful to him after the 1994 election, when the Republicans' incautious positions on environmental issues helped him portray them as extremist. Some of his late accomplishments in conservation are significant. But on environmental as on other issues, his instinct was to take the commendable easier steps -- no more timbering in the still-roadless parts of the national forests -- while deferring the harder ones, like inducing the changes in behavior that will be required if the United States is to do its share in reducing global warming. So too in defense; the tough structural questions of how to reconfigure U.S. forces were mainly left to his successors. To what extent these shortfalls reflected a lack of will and courage, as opposed to the political reality of a blocking Congress, is one of the questions historians will debate.

Mr. Clinton was, and still is, an extraordinarily gifted politician. He did not use those great gifts to achieve major change in American life. The record suggests to us that in the end he lacked the commitment to do so, that political considerations too often mattered more to him than substantive needs, and that his politics were self-absorbed. The Democrats understood both his strengths and his weaknesses when they nominated him in 1992. The bet was that the gain would be worth the risk, and in some respects it was. He won the presidency twice; he regularly confounded the Republicans; and policy because of what was better than it would otherwise have been. But the long-term gain is much less clear. He repaired some inherited damage; he was, as we said in this space yesterday, a valuable friend of the District of Columbia [Ed. note: Gaaaah!]; and he can boast of some important accomplishments. But on balance, and for all the tumult that it caused, it was an oddly superficial presidency.

[Ed. note: The "Mail this to 4,000 other persons within three days or the world will come crashing down on your head" kind of spam is normally not posted upon this, Harry's Hallowed Hematocyst . . . but since it was from Harry "hisself" . . . ]

Glad to help support this effort! Will forward to our membership at IFPTE, Local 28, NASA Glenn, Cleveland, OH.

In Solidarity

Virginia A. Cantwell
President

At 01:31 PM 01/25/2001 -0800, you wrote: I don't know if this will help - but I am passing it on We have to at least try to fight back!.

Subject: GASOLINE PRICES

This makes more sense than the " don't buy gas on a certain day " routine that was going around in April or May. Gasoline Prices! Whoever started this has a good point. By now you're probably thinking gasoline priced at about $1.49 is cheap. Me too! As it is now $1.58 for regular unleaded. Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a gallon of gas is CHEAP at less than $1.50, we need to try an aggressive response.

With the price of gasoline going up more each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of gas come down is if we don't buy it. But, that's not really a practical option since we all have come to rely on our cars. But we CAN have an impact on gas prices if we all act together.

Here's the idea - For the rest of this year, don't purchase gasoline from the two biggest companies (which now are one), EXXON and MOBIL. If they are not selling, they should be inclined to reduce their prices - and if they reduce their prices the other companies will too.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of users. I am sending this note to 42 people. If each of you send it to at least 10 more . . . and those 10 send it to at least 10 more ... and so on by the time the message reaches the sixth iteration we will have reached over one million consumers. Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on, or one you compose, to at least 10 more E-mail addresses.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO $1.08 - $1.10 AND KEEP THEM DOWN. THIS CAN REALLY WORK.

Katherine Doyle
WASHTENAW COUNTY ROAD COMMISSION
IS Department
555 North Zeeb
Ann Arbor, MI 48106
734.327.6679

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention!

Alice A. Martinez IFPTE, Local 28, LESA
Office Manager (216) 433-5623

[This was harry's response to the "video" of Dubya dancing on the desk in the oval Office -- the one at: https://oldmanjoe.tripod.com/georgebushdancingondesk.html I agree with Harry 100%]

Thanks for the Oval Office video. Its been a long time since someone danced on the presidents desk with their clothes on. Very refreshing.

I felt compelled to include this after that awful Beverly Hillbillies song above (#133) that maligned our beloved leader. It was sent to me by an elder in my church.

"There is a man in our church, Jeff Benoit, who has a friend who served on then President Elect George W. Bush's campaign in Austin, and she called him to tell this story.

"During the final weeks of the campaign, the then Gov. Bush appeared at the thank-you banquet for his campaign staff, and was going table to table to shake hands with the 1000+ campaign volunteers. He got to one lady, who by a brief comment she made, indicated she was a Christian.

"She was there with her 16 year old son. Gov. Bush asked him if he was a believer, too. He said he didn't think so. Gov. Bush then asked, "Do you mind if I tell you how I came to know Christ as my savior?" The boy agreed, and Gov. Bush pulled up a chair and witnessed to him for 30 minutes, and led him in the sinners prayer!! Jeff's friend was so choked up, she could hardly tell the story through tears.

"Yes, my dear friend, we are living in the end times. How glorious to know that our new president is a man that doesn't feel the political pressure to glad-hand 1000 people, but would take 30 minutes of his precious time to lead a teenager to Jesus Christ."

Hey guys ? I think it?s time for a ?rave,? no? Mr. G. W. Bush has gotten off to a marvelous start and the White House seems to have a semblance of order to it. Besides, half of his advisors/cabinet seem to be our age, and that?s a step forward if nothing else.

As for his religious leanings (being ?born again? and pushing ?faith based? charities), I see no problems in that regard. The Federal Welfare programs are a disaster and surely any ?faith? with which I am familiar would at least do a better job of getting the funds to where they're needed. And John Ashcroft seems like a much better choice than Janet Reno of the Waco massacre and deportation of Elí¡® Gonzalez fame. Word has it that if his father beats him up so that he has to go to the hospital again, Fidel Castro will step in and take the boy from him, so I guess he?s as ?safe? as you can be in a totalitarian state. Janet Reno should move there!

Personally, I expect a quiet four years during which the economy will resume growing and the stock market will make millionaires out of a few of you who have money invested. My money, unfortunately, was totally invested in the house that Flo lives in and the kids? education. That?s why I?ll work till seventy, God willing.

Bill Clinton?s pardons seemed to go a bit far (and deep), but that?s between him and his conscience. I personally don?t give a rat?s ass as long as they stay out of trouble from this point forward. If he missed any, President Hillary Rodham will pick them up when she leaves the White House in 2012.

Oh yes, I added a bit of appropriate music to the happy GWB at:

        https://oldmanjoe.tripod.com/georgebushdancingondesk.htm

And with that, XAIPE to you all and Happy Ground Hog?s day!

I'd like to agree with you, but none of my candidates made it to the White House. And GW's been using a lot of re-treads, which may make some comfortable, including to an extent, me, but Id really like to see more creativity in his personnel selection. If I were John Ashcroft I would have fired back at Ted Kennedy that the incident at Chappaquidick (sp?) should have been investigated by the reigning attorney general at that time. That fat drunken piss poor excuse for a human being has no right asking anyone any questions about integrity or anything. If the people of Massachusetts are so fucking stupid as to reelect that drunken sot, I guess that's their business. Not to impugn sots...some of my best friends are or have been drunks...but at least they don't speak hypocritically like that fat pig Kennedy. Gee, I guess I don't like him do I?

Whew! You had me worried there for a moment. I blanched when I read "fat piss poor excuse for a human being" in the same sentense with "drunken sot" . . . but then noticed the word "fat"! I'm not fat.

Like you, I would have preferred a couple of barn-burning Libertarians in the cabinet -- persons who are 100% for cutting the size of Government by 50% and taxes by 75%, but we got about the best a Republican could have given us.

Imagine what we'd have had Jeb Bush not rigged the Florida elections.

It would be the "Fair Deal" and the "Great Society" wrapped as one.

[This was sent to me by a lady-friend (no, not that kind!) from England. We knew each other for a couple of years in Dubau, United Arab Emirates, while I was teaching for the American University there (1996 - 1998). Her being English gives this story more credibility, IMHO.]

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer.

One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did. Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.
2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.
6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.
7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
8. If you tell a lie, don't believe that it only deceives the other person.
9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologise" and "You are right".
10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!".
13. If your friends say that you are too good for him/her--believe them.
14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.
16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.
19. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
20. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
21. Work is good but it's not that important.
22. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.
23. And finally ... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

Since I know none of you are rabid democrats, I thought you might appreciate this:

Just a few people Bill Clinton didn't have to pardon:

James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner, died of an apparent heart attack while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr's investigation.

Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern, was murdered July, 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just before she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.

Vince Foster - Former White House counsellor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock's Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.

Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death, Brown was being investigated and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors.

C. Victor Raiser II & Montgomery Raiser - Major players in the Clinton fund raising organization, died in a private plane crash in July, 1992.

Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director, found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September, 1992. Described by Clinton as a "dear friend and trusted advisor".

Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November, 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund-raising events.

Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park's son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information. After he died, the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a "Black Book" of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.

James Wilson - Was found dead in May, 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide. He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.

Kathy Ferguson, ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May, 1994 in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.

Bill Shelton - Arkansas State Trooper and fiance of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiance, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound, also ruled a suicide, at the grave site of his fiance.

Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton's friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.

Florence Martin - Accountant and sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal - Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot wounds.

Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.

Paula Grober - Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one-car accident.

Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter, investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.

Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Danny Casolaro and the 1980 "October Surprise" was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.

Ron Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guarantee scandal.

Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.

Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.

Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee, died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton's advisory council, personally treated Clinton's mother, stepfather and brother.

Barry Seal - Drug-running pilot out of Mena Arkansas. Death was no accident.

Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.

Stanley Huggins - Investigated Madison Guarantee. His death was a purported suicide and his report was never released.

Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.

Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as "The boys on the track" case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling sleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.

THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:

Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.

Keith McMaskle - Died, stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988.

Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January,1989.

Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April, 1989.

James Milan - Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to "natural causes".

Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June, 1990.

Richard Winters - A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a setup robbery July, 1989.

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD:

Major William S. Barkley Jr.

Captain Scott J. Reynolds

Sgt. Brian Hanley

Sgt. Tim Sabel

Major General William Robertson

Col. William Densberger

Col. Robert Kelly

Spec. Gary Rhodes

Steve Willis

Robert Williams

Conway LeBleu

Todd McKeehan

Quite an impressive list!

[Ed. Note: The fact that so many of Bill Clinton?s friends and associates are dead is no reason to suspect that any of his political enemies, such as George W. Bush ,Dick Cheney or any other Republicans are necessarily guilty. They should be presumed innocent until proven guilty in my books, Doug.    ;)    heh, heh. By the way, was Richard Winters a relative?]

[Ed. Note: In light of the dribble of material coming in, spam will have to do, I suppose. :) ]

A man was seated at the bar in a pub in Ireland. Another man comes in and sits next to him. "And where are you from?" says the first man. "I'm from Leinster." says the second man. "Ah!, I'm from Leinster too! I'll buy us both a whiskey!" Then he says "Where abouts in Leinster?" Second man: "Well, right in Dublin". First man: "Glory be! I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another whiskey on that!" Then he says: "Where did you go to school in Dublin?" Second man: "I went to St. Mary's". First man: "As did I go to St. Mary's! That requires another whiskey!"

In a while another man comes in, orders a drink and asks the bar tender: "Anything new around here?" "Oh no", says the bar tender, "Just the Conners twins gettin smashed again.

[Ed. Note: For future generations of A. D. Phi Hudson Chapterites to truly appreciate the spam of the early Third Millenium, the lengthy list of forwarding address protocol must be included, don't you think?]

From: JKJakischa@aol.com Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 18:35:57 EST Subject: Fwd: Amish Virus To: mcrt14@yahoo.com, CCinder2@aol.com, WorTri@aol.com, Twin1176@aol.com, ckautz@fmsmachinery.com, harold.e.kautz@grc.nasa.gov, white.russian@juno.com, jmeliska@usi.edu, cyaros@juno.com, michelle_yeargin@ici.com X-Mailer: AOL 6.0 for Windows US sub 352

Return-Path: Received: from rly-xb03.mx.aol.com (rly-xb03.mail.aol.com [172.20.105.104]) by air-xb04.mail.aol.com (v77_r1.21) with ESMTP; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:41:21 -0500 Received: from [129.250.38.61] (helo=harold.earnestine.crotch.net) by dfw-smtpout1.email.verio.net with esmtp id 14f2iM-00071L-00 for JKJakischa@aol.com; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 16:41:02 +0000 Received: from dfw-smtpout1.email.verio.net (dfw-smtpout1.email.verio.net [129.250.36.41]) by rly-xb03.mx.aol.com (v77_r1.21) with ESMTP; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:41:03 -0500 Received: from [192.217.194.35] (helo=davisyoung.com) by dfw-mmp1.email.verio.net with esmtp id 14f2iM-0004Ao-00 for JKJakischa@aol.com; Mon, 18 Mar 2001 16:41:02 +0000 Received: from rly-xb03.mx.aol.com (rly-xb03.mail.aol.com [172.20.105.104]) by air-xb04.mail.aol.com (v77_r1.21) with ESMTP; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:41:21 -0500 Received: from alphadeltgirls.email.verio.net (dfw-smtpout1.email.verio.net [129.250.36.41]) by dorothy.mx.aol.com (v77_r1.21) with ESMTP; Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:41:03 -0500 Received: from [129.250.38.61] (helo=dfw-mmp1.email.verio.net) by dfw-smtpout1.email.verio.net with esmtp id 14f2iM-00071L-00 for sandystillstinx@MINDSPRING.com; Mon, 18 Mar 2001 06:51:18 +0000 From: joy_manzer@earthlink.com
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 18:35:57 EST
Subject: Fwd: Amish Virus
To: mcrt14@yahoo.com, CCinder2@aol.com, WorTri@aol.com, Twin1176@aol.com,
ckautz@fmsmachinery.com, harold.e.kautz@grc.nasa.gov,
white.russian@juno.com, jmeliska@usi.edu, dorothymurssin@cdc.gov,
X-Mailer: AOL 6.0 for Windows US sub 352

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Sender: Evelyn Carr /Sandy.Welsh@aol.com/
From: Evelyn Carr /MRTLE_STULL@home.org/
To: nancyTarkington@aaer.net
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Subject: FWD: XXXHOT.SaintOscarinaChurch.clevelandheights@home.net
Message-ID: <3AB1478D@davisyoung.com>
Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mailer: InterChange (Hydra) SMTP v3.61.01 Received: from [198.227.122.45] (helo=ginger.com) by maureenboudreau@goo.net with esmtp id 14f2iM-0004Ao-00 for dorothystetz@hotmail.com; Mon, 18 Mar 2001 14:31:22 +0000 X-SMF-Message-ID: B3A18C3201213B00 X-SMF-Hop-Count: 1 Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 11:42:00 -0500 Sender: Evelyn Carr From: Evelyn Carr To: JKJakischa@aol.com X-EXP32-SerialNo: 00104886 Subject: FWD: Amish Virus Message-ID: <3AB1478D@davisyoung.com> Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mailer: InterChange (Hydra) SMTP v3.61.01

FORWARDED MESSAGE from Lorna Short (lshort@smtp {lshort@mosctreu.com}) at 3/19/01 8:20 AM ----- Original Message ----- Sent: Monday, March 19, 2001 7:56 AM Subject: FWD: Amish Virus

You have just received the Amish virus. Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.

Thank thee.

[Ed. Note: Noting that the Saint Oscarina's Church was in the spam chain of Harry's last contribution, I thought the following might be worth cogitating. It will have me counting at least. I have no idea whether half of these spammos are fact or fiction.]

Subject: Coincidence...I do not think so

What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? (Answer - Psalm 117)
What is the longest chapter in the Bible? (Answer - Psalm 119)
Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? (Answer - Psalm 118)

Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalm 118
Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalm 119
Add these numbers up and you get 1188

What is the center verse in the Bible? (Answer - Psalm/Verse 118:8)

Hmmmm

Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives? The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!

Psalms 118:8 (NKJV) "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?

[Ed. Note: I checked and it checked out, at least with the King James Version. Go figure!]

[Ed. Note: Harry's spam trailers are more interesting than the spam itself, no?]

X-Sender: sewalb@popserve.grc.nasa.gov
X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.2.1
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 09:59:45 -0500
To: klchin99@hotmail.com, vegasboy7@hotmail.com, coakev@alltel.net,
Ralph.Zerick@grc.nasa.gov,
Marian Midgett /Marian.Midgett@grc.nasa.gov/,
Harold.Kautz@grc.nasa.gov, Robert.J.Scheidegger@grc.nasa.gov,
Julie.Wilson@wasonce.net, dorothy.M@mindsspring.com
Lawrence.J.Schroeder@grc.nasa.gov, gryphon@neo.rr.com
From: Holly Walburn /Holly.Walburn@grc.nasa.gov/
Subject: Fwd: FW: Booze

X-Sender: forzeri@popserve.grc.nasa.gov
X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.2.1
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 08:49:54 -0500
To: Holly.N.Walburn@grc.nasa.gov
From: Pastor.Sandy.Welsh /XXhot.SE.WELSH@saintoscarinachurch.org/
Subject: Fwd: FW: Booze

From: Neil Luckianow
To: "'Cummins, Bob Jr.'"
/BCummins@MIKEALBERT.com/,
"'John Joy'" /gprix90@gateway.net/,
"'Ralph Zerick'" /Ralph.J.Zerick@lerc.nasa.gov/,
"'Kevin Luckianow'" /kevin.luckianow@spr.doe.gov/,
"Dorothy Stetz" /dottystetz@eatsmore.com/
"Lisa Schuler" /LSchuler@AmiraMed.com/,
Leah Raniel /Raniel@AmiraMed.com/, Gina Moss /GMoss@AmiraMed.com/
Subject: FW: Booze
Date: Mon, 19 Mar 2001 08:38:41 -0800
X-Mailer: Internet Mail Service (5.5.2653.19)

-----Original Message-----
From: Charles Haynes [mailto:cjhaynes59@hotmail.com]
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2001 1:47 PM
To: JmsSmpsn@aol.com; bucklerb@juno.com; OhMrBill@bigplanet.com;
irwin121@aol.com; vastubbs@aol.com; mrrweeks@aol.com;
PARTHAMAGE@aol.com; hug1faux@aol.com; WESTPITT@aol.com;
davidroth@loudoun.com; dennism53@Juno.com; gregk@dtmr.com;
plyr112@hotmail.com; jleach@bssi-usa.com; salzmanm@erols.com;
pblankm1@tampabay.rr.com; plstout@hotmail.com; ptropf@hotmail.com;
Rbcorrie@aol.com; SBailey107@msn.com
Subject: Fwd: Booze

>Subject: FDA warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have

accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

I think that Harry Kautz has been holding out on us. Apparently, some dude by the name of David Ercegovic has a team of "Harries" (a.k.a. NASA scientists) who are developing hydrogen fuel cells that can do away with the need for gasoline (yeaaaah!!) for powering such things as airplanes, automobiles and motor-driven-self-cleaning kitty-litters. Of course, they are going to have to get around Al Gore's Occidental Oil Company and George Bush's oil interests in Texas and elsewhere, but maybe this time, common sense will prevail and the program can move ahead.

It sort of reminds me of the problems with legalizing pot in the US. The cigarette and booze companies have as much of a grip on our politicians as do the oil interests. Pot (which can easily be grown in our own backyards) would make the demand for cigarettes, bourbon (etc.) and Valium (etc.) all go straight through the floor. We can't have that, can we?

But I digress. Surely, with Harry on the "inside," maybe we can at least get this hydrogen fuel cell off the back-burner (no pun intended) where it's been for 40 years, according to NASA. Also, maybe we can learn where to move our rapidly disappearing retirement (ha!) dollars from the stock market. What company/companies are likely to make big bucks on this, Harry?

What do the brothers of Alpha Delta Phi think? Our almost forgotten "Rant and Rave" page under the flying doves at: https://oldmanjoe.tripod.com/ waits . . .

Quien sabe? [Ed. Note: I think this is Russian for "Who gives a shit?"]

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m. While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA.

[Ed. Note: Nice diversion, Jim . . .]

The following was supposed to have a first attachment showing an airliner crashing into a terminal but hotmail wouldn't queue it. Use your imagination.

[Ed. Note: I clicked, I saw and I definitely did not conquer! I honestly saw a "movie" of someone being run over by a car. He was carrying a suitcase or two, but the movie ended by crashing my machine -- really!! I'd suggest you look for a transfer from aircraft safety into either the fuel cell business or unsafe movies on the Internet -- before you retire, so that you know where to take a "retirement job" and make your first billion.]

I do see, by the in house directory, that there is indeed a David Ercegovic here. But I don't see why you might think I am into his fuel cell business. I am, after all, into aircraft safety as the first attachment shows.

You say you hope "common sense will prevail". I don't know why, it never has before.

But I am going to retire soon so I won't be in aircraft safety either. It's the traffic going to work that gets me. It's not the cars, it's the people crossing the streets. The other attachment should show what I have to put up with trying to make decent time on the way.

Maybe I should get a computer when I retire to amuse myself. I see by the TV that I can play the stock market with a computer. In mere nanoseconds I can loose my shirt on line. Trouble is there's no stock broker to blame.

Anyway, the future is not with fuel cells, it's rather with air coupled ultrasonic transducers.^*

^*  Development of air coupled ultrasonic transducers which can operate above 100kHz has recently been of interest. The main applications for these devices include the location and imaging of objects (e.g. production engineering), and in the nondestructive evaluation of engineering materials. Investigation into the field characteristics of ultrasonic transducers has lead to mathematical theory being developed for predicting the pressure field of a range of transducers configurations. By scanning the pressure field of the air coupled transducer with a miniature hydrophore, it was possible to compare the radiated field with the field predicted by theory.

[Ed. Note: Of course, you should get a computer after retiring. There's more out there on the web than the latest on "air-coupled ultrasonic transducers."]

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. George Bush took his oath of office.

I was sad as I watched Mr. Bill Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 U.S.Marines, in full dress, with gleaming rifles, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

Every damn one of them missed.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c.' Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f.' This will make words like "fotograf" 20 percent shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v.' During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

How would you like a prospective employer to know if you have a "genetic predisposition" to a getting a serious -- and expensive -- illness?

What if an acquaintance who worked for an insurance company or government agency could read the private notes of your psychotherapist, or find out if you or a family member have ever undergone drug or alcohol treatment?

Would you want others to know whether you've ever had an abortion or been treated for an embarrassing disease?

All of those things could happen if a regulation being considered by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services goes into effect.

I'm participating in an Internet campaign to kill this regulation, and I'm inviting you to join me.

If we generate enough e-mail, we can bury this awful regulation. But we need to hurry -- because the it's scheduled to go into effect April 14, which is just two weeks away.

Please read this short background news item, and forward this message to any friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, or other people you know who may be interested. Then go to http://www.defendyourprivacy.com and sign the petition. It will be submitted directly to your representative in the U.S. House and to both your U.S. Senators.

BACKGROUND:

By April 14, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson must decide whether to implement the "medical privacy" rules submitted in the waning days of the Clinton administration. The rules, published in the Federal Register on December 28, 2000, mandate that every doctor and health care provider turn patient records over to the HHS and other federal agencies for "safekeeping" -- regardless of whether patients consent.

The government could then share those records with third parties such as insurance companies, private marketers, and even police agencies.

The result? Soon millions of government bureaucrats, clerks in insurance companies, HMO's and even drug marketing companies will have access to your confidential medical records without your permission. Specifically, this regulation would:

* Allow the disclosure, without patient consent, of all medical records for "public health surveillance activities" and dozens of other purposes. Providers could refuse to treat people who refuse to surrender their records.

* Allow private insurance companies to access the medical information and compile it into a database.

* Permit police agencies to access medical records without a search warrant. * Give the government the right to access the private notes of a psychotherapist.

* Allow foreign government officials to see Americans' health records, as long as the U.S. government claims it is doing it for a "national health purpose."

* Assign every American a "unique patient identifier," whether you want one or not, by working in conjunction with the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. The number would be similar to a Social Security number for medical transactions - and would make accessing an individual's medical records as easy as running a credit check.

* Give direct marketers access to medical records, and allow pharmacies to share prescription records "for the purpose of marketing health-related products and services" -- all without patient consent.

* Prevent patients involved in health research projects from accessing their own medical records.

The government claims it is doing this to "protect" the privacy of your medical records. But if these regulations go into effect, you can kiss your medical privacy goodbye.

In a free society, the government has no reason to have copies of your private medical records, and politicians have no right to release your medical records to others without your consent.

But that's exactly what's going to happen, unless we can generate enough opposition to persuade Congress to stop these regulations from going into effect April 14th.

Please forward this e-mail to any friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, or other people you know personally who may be interested. However, please don't send it indiscriminately; spam will only hurt Our campaign.

Then go to our web page (http://www.defendyourprivacy.com) and sign the petition. Thank you.

Holly Walburn
InDyne, Inc./NASA Glenn Research Center
7511/Facilities Engineering and Architectural Branch
21000 Brookpark Rd. MS 21-13
Cleveland, OH 44135
Phone: 216-433-5476
Fax: 216-433-5477
Holly.N.Walburn@grc.nasa.gov

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Ed. note: Having spent the better part of my working life as the US Air Force's Chief Scientist in Europe, I feel that I have at least minimal credibility as regards how fighter aircraft fly -- or should fly -- and how prop-driven recon flights normally fly their picture-taking missions. The following is on target as a perfectly proper "letter of apology" to the Chinese Poeple's Republic vis-a-vis the recent attempt by two aircraft to occupy the same airspace.]

The United States of America apologizes to the People's Republic of China for allowing our slow, lumbering reconnaissance plane's propeller to be accidentally struck by your poorly trained, hot-dogging fighter pilot, while flying in international airspace.

We're sorry we have to fly surveillance missions to monitor a country that has nuclear missiles pointed at us.

We're sorry your pilot didn't follow international standards of fighter intercept protocol. We're sorry his aircraft recognition skills were so poor he didn't realize the EP-3 aircraft was propeller driven and flew his aircraft through its propeller arc, destroying his aircraft and nearly killing 24 American crewmen.

We're sorry your fighter pilot's survival training and equipment was so inadequate that he couldn't survive until your poorly trained and equipped navy could find him (they turned down our offer for search and rescue assistance). We're deeply sorry that the pilot, Wong Wei (no pun intended), was killed in the accident. He seemed harmless enough when photographed in January holding a sheet of paper containing his (readable) email address against his canopy for our crew to view and phtograph. But even then, he was flying dangerously close to our PC-3.

The sad fact of the matter is that the prop-driven PC-3 (shown on the right) is no match in speed and maneuverablility for a fighter aircraft--even one of inferior design.

We're sorry you violated international law and arrested the crewmen of an aircraft that legally diverted into your airfield under emergency conditions caused by your pilot's actions, after being led there by one of your other pilots.

We're sorry you violated international law and boarded a state aircraft. We're sorry the world is now seeing you for the enemy of freedom, truth, and democracy that you really are.

We're sorry you see yourself as a superpower when in reality you are a third world nation (the average Chinese worker earns less than $.10 a day). We're sorry you are losing so much face over this.

We're sorry that you were able to steal some missile and nuclear secrets from us.

We're sorry you haven't learned from the Soviet Union's collapse and failed to embrace democracy and capitalism (compare tiny Taiwan and mainland China; same people, same culture, but Taiwan's capitalistic economy is a powerhouse and China's economy is still mired in communism).

We're sorry for the future Chinese military deaths that will occur when we retaliate for your roughish behavior.

And most of all, we're sorry for the Chinese people who suffer its leaders' incompetence.

Subject: Social Security information -- short and to the point!

Social Security information

This is worth reading -- short and to the point!

Perhaps we were asking the wrong questions during the just ended election year. Our Senators and Representatives do not pay into Social Security, and therefore, they do not collect from it. Social Security benefits were not suitable for them.

They felt they should have a special plan. Many years ago, they voted In their own benefit plan. In more recent years, no member of Congress, no Senator, no Representative, congressperson has felt the need to change it.

After all, it is a great plan. For all practical purposes, their plan Works like this: When they retire, no matter how long or short a time They have been in office, they continue to draw their same pay until they die, except that it may be increased from time to time by cost-of-living adjustments.

For example, former Senator Bradley and his wife may be expected to draw $7,900,000.00 over an average life span, with Mrs. Bradley Drawing $275,000.00 during the last year of her life. Their cost for This excellent plan? Zero, nada, zilch.

This little perk they voted in for themselves is free to them. You and Pick up the tab for this plan. Our tax dollars at work! With Social Security, which you and I pay into every payday for our own retirement, with an equal amount matched by our employer, we can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month. In other words, we would have to collect our benefits for 68 years and 1 month to equal the Bradley's benefits. Imagine for a moment that you could structure a retirement plan so desirable, a retirement plan that worked so well, that Railroad Employees, Postal Workers, and others who were not in the plan would clamor to be included. This is how good Social Security could be, if only one small change was made.

That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan out from under the members of the House and the Senate. Force them to get into the Social Security plan with the rest of us.

Watch how fast they fix it!!! If enough people receive this, maybe a seed will be planted, and maybe good changes will evolve.

No Commentary Required -- at Least as of the Merry Month of May in 2001!

Subject: STOP THE MADNESS

I don't know if the e-mail urban legends annoy you as much as they annoy me. But if they do, you'll enjoy this.

You all know how much we love those urban legends (NOT). Well, here's the entire history of internet urban legends in one bizarre stream of coincidences:

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals, when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.

Anyway, one day this friend went to sleep and, when he awoke, he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive and infect all the electronics in his house if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.

(It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck, but for 10 people you will only have OK luck, and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&M's but, if you don't, the owner of Proctor & Gamble will report you to his Satanic friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get some hideous disease from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your female friends will all develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet...

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.?

" Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Mississippi Arkansas and Louisiana.

It does not work in Florida though as they lose count before they can get to their second hand

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit too.

"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry . I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over to you and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh thank you! Thank You," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy....you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no gonads. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly a part of upper management."

[Ed. Note: The way I heard this some time back, just after the bunny rabbit described the snake (to the blind snake), the snake cried out, "Oh my God! I'm the President of the United States!" To keep at least this joke non-political, I won't say how far back it was that I heard it.]

Step 1: Begin thinking about the wildlife in Alaska after we start oil exploration up there and also the water in the Gulf of Mexico after we begin off-shore drilling there.

Step 2: Click on picture of Dubya below.

Step 3: Wait for Flash executable to load.

Step 4: begin clicking on the fists. Continue clicking until it ends -- that will be many, many clicks.

Step 5: Take a deep, relaxed breath.

Aaaaaaaaah!

Just so it may be known: I was so taken in by the clever Flash Executable (just above) of George W. Bush that I just had to send it along to you. Although I am not thrilled by the thought of additional oil rigs in Alaska, I admit that they may very well be necessary.

Now if one of you can find a similar graphic with someone other than Dubya's head between the two fists, I'll gladly post it at #164 or 165 (or wherever we are at the time I get it).

As regards energy, I believe it should be 50-50 between attacking the problems of supply (more nuclear plants, for example) and demand (put restrictions on the guzzling SUVs). We should be over the paranoia about nuclear energy by this time and SUVs should be required to meet reasonable standards.

I expect a great written defense of Dubya's (Cheney's) energy plan from one of you and it will be duly posted.

Meanwhile, enjoy the heat.

The quickest way to attack the demand side of the equation with as little governmental controls as possible is to simply not allow automobile manufacturers to include SUV's under their truck quota instead of the car quota for mileage...or, perhaps even better, make trucks (the pick up variety) fall under the same mileage restrictions/requirements as autos. In that way the automobile mfrs would have to work harder to increase mileage on SUV's and trucks.

But alas, that would be too simple.

A little atomic paranoia is good for everyone. We have a nuclear plant across the river (about 5 miles from here) which seems to periodically leak radioactive gas and spew radioactive water into the area. This is because con-ed did not want to replace some defective pipes even though they had money for the equipment from the manufaturer. They also are under scrutiny because of firing personnel after they refused to do additional overtime because they were fatigued (because of excessive overtime.

I would think that expansions should occur only if proper oversight can be assurred and after the companies are willing to take on responsability for any accidents rather than relying on congress to cover their asses by limiting liability. There seems to have been no long standing problems (other than psychological) from TMI, and I understand this unit is profitable now.

Having accidents seems not to help con ed clean up their act however.

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned....a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.

Jesus said, " If you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

[Ed. note: This poem is already out of date. Haven't you read the papers? The pregnant girl can now be the Senior King and the unwed "daddy" can now be the Senior Queen!]

Subject: SPEEDING

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too

Con Ed's malfeasance notwithstanding, the fact remains that Nuclear Power, when compared with the major alternatives (coal and gas/oil)is both cleaner and (I personally believe) safer. The best estimates on deaths from the Three Mile Island accident are that five persons more (and possibly none) will die of cancer in the next thirty years. No increases have been noted in that area yet.

The fact is simply that we, as a nation, are running out of power in many, many areas. Yes, we must conserve, but that isn't easily controlled short of our becoming a police state. Watching some of Ann Frank the other evening (I had to stop watching because it was too depressing for me) led me to believe that it's best for the Government to stay away from my thermostat or the gas pumps.

You are right; Consolidated Edison is a poor performer, from everything I have read, and the solution is simply that they must be made to obey existing laws. That is not an argument for not getting the show on the road for additional nuclear power plants throughout the country. It's also not an argument for delaying the development of the nuclear waste repository in Nevada, the mob and casino owners and their crocodile tears notwithstanding.

The fact that more than 100 reactors have been cancelled -- including every single one ordered after 1973 (28 years ago, for the love of God!) -- during which time research into safer reactors, more sensible waste disposal and all of the other "safety" and "environmental" concerns have been researched to death at schools and agencies all over the country. The computer monitor in front of my face right now is more danger to me from a "radiation" standpoint than every nuclear power plant in operation worldwide right now.

Yes, we should be concerned about criminal neglect vis-à­¶is leakage (wherever it occurs, including across the river from your home) and poor core design, etc., but we should not be paranoid to the point where we turn away from the one reasonable alternative to the fossil fuel plants that are emitting greenhouse gases and helping to cause global warming.

Quite frankly, I'm too old to learn to operate a frictionless skateboard powered by plastic windmills and solar panels (and my skinny old legs) just to run to the store for some HGH and Viagara. And there's no way that a solar panel can cool down my third floor apartment to the satisfaction of my five kitties.

Any solutions, Brother W. Allen H.? -- aside from nuking the Con Ed plant across the river from your home, that is . . .

It is indeed heartwarming to find that there is at least one other soul that believes in the benefits of nuclear power...in fact my politically incorrect e-mail address that is only used for special occasions is gonukes1@aol.com...my regular one is for the rest of us.

There have been many interesting developments in nuclear power...especially the smaller units spread about an area and fed by a fast breeder reactor. As far as disposal of waste...Mr. Putin has opened Russia up as a repository. Las Vegas would be an excellent place to place a lot of it also.

Keep humming, and remember, those wonderful people that brought you Ruby Ridge, Waco and Elian Gonzolez(sp) are still hard at work trying to make our dull, wretched lives happy.

Number of physicians in the US 700,000

Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year 120,000

Accidental deaths per physician 0.171

Number of gun owners in the US 80,000,000

Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1500

Accidental deaths per gun owner 0.0000188

Therefore, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more deadly than gunowners.

[Qustion to ADPhi'ers: Which should be banned, medical doctors or gun-owners?]

What that statistic fails to show is the number of premeditated deaths caused by (lets make it legal gun owners of legally owned guns for the sake of argument) gun owners and doctors. THAT might even be a more chilling statistic.

[Ed. NOte: To make it even more chilling, we might add in premeditated deaths caused by card carrying medical doctors not using hand guns (or even oozies) in their practice(s): I mean, let's add in the abortions, ethanasia (sp?). Oooohhh! Chill-ill-ill!]

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of color by now. All I see are patches of green.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it; sometimes two times a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, The Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where to they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie about...

GOD: Never mind -- I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you will love this!!!

**I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the all-time best comeback lines in my life. Note: This is an exact replication of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

******FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

****GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

****FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" ******GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

****FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

******GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

******FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

******GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

**The radio went silent and the interview ended. And all I could think was, "Go Army!"

Let's see if I understand how America works....

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So if I die while my old butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

A small Maine town was looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular town hall meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was please.

A few weeks later, the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch............."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor and smashed in hundreds of pieces.

"Shit!", exclaimed the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.

  At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.

      At age 12, success is... having friends.

          At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.

              At age 20, success is... having sex.

                At age 35, success is... having money.

                  At age 50, success is... having money.

              At age 60, success is... having sex.

          At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.

      At age 75, success is... having friends.

  At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

Traditionalists say I was born of a woman's hand ? fashioned from bits of colored cloth by a seamstress in a small house in Philadelphia, a year after the new country was born.

Historians are less certain of my origin. Yet, no one doubts my existence. I was created out of necessity to serve as the emblem of a people whose experiment in nationhood was as unique as the arrangement of my stars and stripes.

I have proved my adaptability to change. I've accommodated growth. I've stood up to time and troubles. I fluttered in the Fall air with General Washington and his loyal French allies at Yorktown. My fabric was shredded by cannonballs from British frigates in the War of 1812 and I was carried in triumph by Andy Jackson at New Orleans. The British could see me clearly in the mists of "dawn's early light," waving from the standards at Fort McHenry.

I've witnessed turmoil and bitterness, even lost some of my glory in mid-century in a war between brothers, but I was restored as a nation's emblem at Appomattox.

I traveled West with the new frontier. I flew from the headlamps of the Iron Horse in Utah. I was with the prospectors at Sutter's Mill, with the cavalry against cattle rustlers, with the Rough Riders at San Juan Hill.

I crossed the Marne with the doughboys anxious to make the world safe for democracy. I was raised over a shell-pocked hilltop at Iwo Jima and I stood by the grim-faced negotiators at Panmunjom. I was on that last helicopter from Saigon and with the men and women of Operation Desert Storm.

I have been around in victory and defeat. I've seen pain and pleasure. I've been folded smartly by soldiers and handed to weeping widows. I've covered the coffins of those who've served country and community.

But, I also decorate bandstands and concert halls. I am saluted in parades, in schools and at ball parks.

I am part of political campaigns, high holidays and ice cream socials. I fly from skyscrapers and bungalows. I've been to the Moon and the ocean floor.

I am everywhere my people are. I am saluted and, occasionally, scorned. I have been held with pride and I have been ridiculed, because I am everything my people are: proud, angry, happy, sad, vengeful, argumentative, ambitious, indifferent.

I was created to serve a people in struggle and a government in change. There are now more stars in my blue field than there were in the beginning and, if need be, there's room for more.

But, those red and white stripes remain as they've always remained: clearly visible through the struggle?the symbol of the "land of the free and the home of the brave."

I am your past. I am your future. I am your flag.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"You must be a republican," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be a democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

We are told that Timothy McVeigh had actually carefully planned his last words, which, with all the media hype that he was able to generate with that last minute appeal, were to be publicized worldwide. At least that's what young Timothy thought. He said he would recite Invictus, which means "Unconquerable" in Latin. It was written by 19th century British poet William Ernest Henley. It goes:

But then maybe I am biased in my views of his execution because, despite conservative leanings in many other areas, I strongly oppose the death penalty. I'm sure that it?s because I was taught at NC State while I was picking up an extra degree (in statistics of all things) that a Type Two Error is worse than fifty to a hundred Type One Errors. Where human life is concerned, I recall one professor stating that the ratio must exceed 500 to 1 before using a given "treatment."

And recent DNA findings that have overturned jury convictions show that we may be running at a ratio much less than 100 to 1 in Type One Errors to Type Two Errors here in America.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first -the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Happy Birthday U. S. A.

225 years at the same location !

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type of bra?"

"Look around " said the saleslady as she showed him a sea of bras in every shape, color and size imaginable. Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian and the Baptist types. Which would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked the differences between the types. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)

(I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") (Note: No wonder you can?t cross a pig with a praying mantis.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Wouldn't want to be a butterfly living in Paris)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Probably because it gets the most exercise........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (So they don't live as long as other bears??)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

What that statistic above at #171 fails to show is the number of premeditated deaths Caused by (lets make it legal gun owners of legally owned guns for the sake of argument) gun owners and doctors. THAT might even be a more chilling statistic.

It is indeed heartwarming to find that there is at least one other soul that believes in the benefits of nuclear power...in fact my politically incorrect e-mail address that is only used for special occasions is

gonukes1@aol.com...my regular one is for the rest of us.

There have been many interesting developments in nuclear power . . . especially the smaller units spread about an area and fed by a fast breeder reactor. As far as disposal of waste...Mr. Putin has opened Russia up as a repository. Las Vegas would be an excellent place to place a lot of it also.

Keep humming, and remember, those wonderful people that brought you Ruby Ridge, Waco and Elian Gonzalez are still hard at work trying to make our dull, wretched lives happy.

Here's a little blurb I received. I thought you might be interested in it. Not necessarily for the "rant and rave" pages, but none the less I thought you might enjoy it...it's not too long.

http://www.washtimes.com/commentary/20010626-890973.htm

Thanks to WETA, public television's flagship station in and around Washington, discussions that occurred during the "Re-Elect America" bus tour were broadcast to the public in an hour-long documentary titled "Talking with America."

The lessons are worth noting. Major media is constantly accused of bias, and justly so. But the failure to speak up by those who continue to believe in, and adhere to, America's founding principles and documents is no less damaging.

The documentary demonstrated how unaccustomed America's detractors are to encountering opposition. And because they are unaccustomed, they are also unprepared. The following examples are typical of our experiences across the land.

Tom Chavez, director of the Museum of New Mexico, represented the many men who use women's issues to beat up on the U.S. Constitution. "I will remind the women in this room," he cried out, "you were not equal before the law until this century if yet." Upon this, he was asked to guide us to a passage in the Constitution that deprives women of rights."Give me a break," he protested, "I am not going to cite this on the spot. It's there," he insisted. At that point, he was offered a copy of the Constitution to aid his memory. He declined the opportunity.

State Rep. Doug Teper of Georgia proclaimed that the Constitution counted black people as three-fifths of a person. When informed that the (now defunct) passage constrained not black people but slave-holding states, he got furious. He vented his spleen on the rule of law, at the heart of the entire discussion, referred to as the North Star of America's compass. "I want to smash that compass," exclaimed Mr. Teper.

State Sen. Mike Massie of Wyoming spoke for many who hold that the U.S. Constitution was no good, but just in case we find merit in it, they credit the influence of the Iroquois Confederacy. When asked to identify the source of such a contention, he could not recall it, but was absolutely certain it existed. When pressed gently, then not so gently, to name a single source for so monumental an assertion, he wondered whether we might "get off the subject for a second."

Social Justice, naturally, provided some of the most delicious moments in the documentary. This most meaningless of phrases that result from attaching the qualifier "social" dominated many of our town meetings. Contenders for the grand prize included the executive director of the Center for Social Justice in Topeka, Kan., who was unable to define the term to the point where he declared the word "social" to be of no importance to him; and a young man who demanded to be heard on the subject, then proved incapable of completing an actual sentence no matter how long we kept the camera on him.

In the end, we offered a thousand dollars in cash to anyone willing and able to define "social justice." The executive director of the ACLU in Phoenix, Ariz., insisted on trying. Having previously declared that "the rule of law without social justice is patently nonsense," she ended up defining social justice as "due process and equal application of the law."

During the same town meeting in Phoenix, we encountered the most widely held objection to America's founding in its most open version. The Rev. Oscar Tillman, Baptist minister and noted black activist, said the Constitution had been "written by people who didn't respect me. The rules were there, but they weren't there for me. Individual rights? I didn't have any." To his credit, he listened carefully to the response. Apparently for the first time, he visibly considered the proposition that the civil rights movement's legitimacy was provided by the Constitution and nothing else; that his ability to demand justice had been in fact established by the Founding Fathers however long it took for the country to find agreement about it. Before the end of that same discussion, Mr. Tillman came to the conclusion that the Constitution must not be applied differently to different people, or "we are hurting the whole as a whole." It was a moment to cherish.

Thus, when challenged, those who have a bone to pick with the American model give up, destroy their own case in an outburst, or switch sides. From coast to coast, not a single discussion resulted in the "other side" sustaining its case. Why? Because they have no case.

Why, then, are our elected representatives so shy about making America's case? When Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Massachusetts Democrat, attacks school choice, he is attacking the American model. Is there no senator to call him on that? Is there no one to ask why he prefers the communist model instead?

When Sen. Tom Daschle, South Dakota Democrat, or Rep. Richard A. Gephardt, Missouri Democrat, look into the camera and blatantly misrepresent the American model, is there no one to call them on any of it?

These people, and many like them, have nothing to stand on but our reticence to call their ideas what they are, clearly identifying their evil source.

Our reticence creates a dangerous culture.

Recently, this column drew attention to serious misinformation published by the Kennedy Center on the subject of "Women in the Concert Hall." Upon learning that the column had been posted on a back-stage bulletin board and discussed by members of the National Symphony Orchestra, I called the public relations office to ask if they had some response. The woman who answered declared in a high-handed manner: "I am glad that as a member of the public you had a chance to express your opinion." "We are not talking about opinions," I countered, "but about facts, and about the Kennedy Center publishing wrong facts." Upon this, the woman said she would put me through to the right person, and I was promptly funneled into a voice mail. The party has yet to return my call.

The episode troubles me greatly because the public relations office of our premier cultural institution dismissed a disclosure of their wholesale disinformation campaign with the haughtiness I had come to associate with the totalitarian regimes of my youth in Hungary. She could just as well have been an official of the Soviet Ministry of Culture, instead of the employee of a public trust in the United States. Presumably, the woman has no idea how out of touch she is with the American model. How could she know until we start telling her and all the others?

Balint Vazsonyi, concert pianist and political philosopher, is director of the Center for the American Founding and a senior fellow of the Potomac Foundation. He is the author of "America's 30 Years War: Who Is Winning?"

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING TO GET YOUR BLOOD BOILING . . .

This is worth reading, short and to the point!

Our Senators/Congressmen do not pay into Social Security, and, therefore they do not collect from it. Social Security benefits were not suitable for them. They felt they should have a special plan.

Many years ago they voted in their benefit plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan. For all practical purposes, their plan works like this: When they retire no matter how long they have been in office, they continue to draw their same pay until they die, except it may be increased from time to time by cost-of-living adjustments.

For example, former Senator Bill Bradley (New Jersey) and his wife may be expected to draw $7,900,000.00 over an average life span, with Mrs. Bradley drawing $275,000.00 during the last year of her life. Their cost for this excellent plan is "0," nada, zilch. This little perk they voted in for themselves is free to them.

You and I pick up the tab for this plan. Our tax dollars at work! Social Security, which you and I pay into every payday for our own retirement, with an equal amount matched by our employer, we can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month. Or, we would have to collect our benefits for 68 years and 1 month to equal the Bradley's benefits. Imagine for a moment that you could structure a retirement plan so desirable, a retirement plan that worked so well, that Railroad Employees, Postal Workers, and others who were not in the plan would clamor to be included.

This is how good Social Security could be, if only one small change was made. That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan out from under the Senators/Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us. Watch how fast they fix it!!!!

Don't forget, our girl, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Thanks to the infinite wisdom of New York State voters, she now comes under this Congressional Retirement Plan.

Talking about the Clinton's, it's common knowledge that, in order for her to establish NYS residency, they purchased a million + house in upscale Chappaqua, NY. Makes sense. Now, they are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. A residence had to be built in order to house the Secret Service agents. The Clinton's now charge the Secret Service rent for the use of said residence and that rent is just about equal to their mortgage payment, meaning that we,the tax payers, are paying the Clinton's mortgage and it's all perfectly legal. How many people can YOU send this to?

During the heat of the space race in the 1960s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration realized that astronauts would have to be able to record certain things while performing their duties and so it would need a writing utensil capable of writing in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. Of Course, a normal pen will not work since they are all gravity fed.

After considerable research and development that spanned spanning over two years, the working zero-g Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of approximately $US 1 Million (in 1960's dollars !!). The initial production run was fifty pens.

The Soviet Union was faced with the same problem... but they issued pencils.

When Henry Ford died and went to Heaven, St. Peter greeted him at the Pearly Gates.

After welcoming Ford, St. Peter told him, "Well you've been a good man, and your invention, the automobile assembly line, changed the world. As a reward, you can ask anyone in Heaven any question you want."

Ford thought about it and said, "I want to ask God himself a question."

St. Peter escorted Henry Ford directly to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

Ford asked God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"

God replied, "What do you mean?"

Well, said Ford, "You have major design flaws in your invention:

   1. There's too much front end protrusion.
   2. It chatters too much at any speed.
   3. Maintenance is extremely high.
   4. It constantly needs touching up and refinishing.
   5. It is out of commission at least 5-6 days out of every month.
   6. The rear end shakes too much.
   7. The headlights are usually too small.
   8. And fuel consumption is outrageous, just to name a few."

"Hmmmm", replied God, "hold on a minute."

God went to the Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few keystrokes, and waited for the results.

In no time the computer printed a report. God read it, turned to Ford and said, "My invention may be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Yes, this was the year that several of us were pledges at the old place on 117th.

Yes, this was the year that several of us were pledges at the old place on 117th.

This was an actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan Department of environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response.

But read the entire letter before you get to the response. This guy's response is priceless. But read the government letter before you read the response! :o)

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm, County

It has come to the attention of the Department of environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

  David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am merely the legal owner. A a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: 1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or, 2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through The Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns: My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders.

If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State, I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy or once again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I will scream prejudice!

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.

It is the bears!! Bears are actually defecating in our woods!! I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not too careful about where they defecate) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization -- the dam USPS.

Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Be careful whom you show this to, because you might be called a "racist".

Doesn't it make you proud?

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll. Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. He received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud, and lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate, and then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor.

Is this a great country or what?

This, from a Canadian newspaper, no less, is worth sharing.

Widespread but only partial news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, a Canadian television commentator. What follows is the full text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:

"This Canadian thinks it is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the least appreciated people on all the earth. Germany, Japan and, to a lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts. None of these countries is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.

When France was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I saw it.

When earthquakes hit distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring, 59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.

The Marshall Plan and the Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans. I'd like to see just one of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States dollar build its own airplane.

Does any other country in the world have a plane to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don't they fly them? Why do all the International lines except Russia fly American Planes? Why does no other land on earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese technocracy, and you get radios. You talk about German technocracy, and you get automobiles. You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at.

Even their draft-dodgers are not pursued and hounded. They are here on our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.

When the railways of France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them. When the Pennsylvania Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose. Both are still broke.

I can name you 5000 times when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble?

I don't think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake. Our neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked around.

They will come out of this thing with their flag high. And when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are gloating over their present troubles. I hope Canada is not one of those." Stand proud, America!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is one of the best editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States. It is nice that one man realizes it. I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are always blamed for everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do.

This is creepy!

I am not a Nostradamus expert, and this could be just some more e-mail bullshit, but it may be from the old guy himself. This is a quote from Nostradamus in 1654:

In the year of the new century and nine months,
From the sky will come a great King of Terror...
The sky will burn at forty-five degrees.
Fire approaches the great new city..."

"In the city of York there will be a great collapse,
2 twin brothers torn apart by chaos
while the fortress falls the great leader will succumb
the third big war will begin when the big city is burning" -

NOSTRADAMUS 1654

He said this will be bigger than the previous two. 2001 is the first year of the new century and this is the 9th month. New York is located at the 41st degree Latitude. Isn't this rather interesting? [Ed. Note: Could the ?fortress be the pentagon? Are the ?twin brothers? the twin Towers?]

The following is from Tamim Ansary. Tamim is an Afghani-American writer. Here is his take on Afghanistan.

======================================================
I've been hearing a lot of talk about "bombing Afghanistan back to the Stone Age." Ronn Owens, on KGO Talk Radio today, allowed that this would mean killing innocent people, people who had nothing to do with this atrocity, but "we're at war, we have to accept collateral damage. What else can we do?"

Minutes later I heard some TV pundit discussing whether we "have the belly to do what must be done."

And I thought about the issues being raised especially hard because I am from Afghanistan, and even though I've lived here for 35 years, I've never lost track of what's going on there. So I want to tell anyone who will listen how it all looks from where I'm standing.

I speak as one who hates the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden. There is no doubt in my mind that these people were responsible for the atrocity in New York.

I agree that something must be done about those monsters.

But the Taliban and Bin Laden are not Afghanistan. They're not even the government of Afghanistan. The Taliban are a cult of ignorant psychotics who took over Afghanistan in 1997. Bin Laden is a political criminal with a plan.

When you think Taliban, think Nazis. When you think Bin Laden, think Hitler.

And when you think "the people of Afghanistan" think "the Jews in the concentration camps." It's not only that the Afghan people had nothing to do with this atrocity. They were the first victims of the perpetrators. They would exult if someone would come in there, take out the Taliban and clear out the rats nest of international thugs holed up in their country.

Some say, why don't the Afghans rise up and overthrow the Taliban? The answer is, they're starved, exhausted, hurt, incapacitated, suffering. A few years ago, the United Nations estimated that there are 500,000 disabled orphans in Afghanistan--a country with no economy, no food.

         There are millions of widows.

And the Taliban has been burying these widows alive in mass graves. The soil is littered with land mines, the farms were all destroyed by the Soviets.

These are a few of the reasons why the Afghan people have not overthrown the Taliban.

We come now to the question of bombing Afghanistan back to the Stone Age. Trouble is, that's been done. The Soviets took care of it already. Make the Afghans suffer? They're already suffering. Level their houses? Done. Turn their schools into piles of rubble? Done. Eradicate their hospitals? Done. Destroy their infrastructure? Cut them off from medicine and health care? Too late. Someone already did all that.

New bombs would only stir the rubble of earlier bombs. Would they at least get the Taliban? Not likely. In today's Afghanistan, only the Taliban eat, only they have the means to move around. They'd slip away and hide. Maybe the bombs would get some of those disabled orphans, they don't move too fast, they don't even have wheelchairs. But flying over Kabul and dropping bombs wouldn't really be a strike against the criminals who did this horrific thing. Actually it would only be making common cause with the Taliban--by raping once again the people they've been raping all this time.

So what else is there? What can be done, then? Let me now speak with true fear and trembling. The only way to get Bin Laden is to go in there with ground troops. When people speak of "having the belly to do what needs to be done" they're thinking in terms of having the belly to kill as many as needed. Having the belly to overcome any moral qualms about killing innocent people.

Let's pull our heads out of the sand. What's actually on the table is Americans dying. And not just because some Americans would die fighting their way through Afghanistan to Bin Laden's hideout. It's much bigger than that folks.

Because to get any troops to Afghanistan, we'd have to go through Pakistan. Would they let us? Not likely. The conquest of Pakistan would have to be first.

Will other Muslim nations just stand by? You see where I'm going. We're flirting with a world war between Islam and the West.

And guess what: that's Bin Laden's program. That's exactly what he wants. That's why he did this. Read his speeches and statements. It's all right there.

He really believes Islam would beat the west. It might seem ridiculous, but he figures if he can polarize the world into Islam and the West, he's got a billion soldiers. If the west wreaks a holocaust in those lands, that's a billion people with nothing left to lose, that's even better from Bin Laden's point of view. He's probably wrong, in the end the west would win, whatever that would mean, but the war would last for years and millions would die, not just theirs but ours. Who has the belly for that? Bin Laden does. Anyone else?

Tamim Ansary

You can send my "unpatriotic" comment to whomever you like, but it is my carefully-thought out conclusion:

1. This country is going through a level of "off to war" naiveté ´hat parallels the Southern States in 1861.

2. We thought the Viet Cong was tough! They were "kiddies" compared to these guys.

3. George Bush made a silly (scary, misinformed) statement when he said: "It's (our) good against (their) pure evil!" With all their Islamic (albeit ignorant) hearts, they're convinced that we're "evil" (Hooters, Gold Clubs, etc.)

4. They have nothing to lose. That makes them almost invincible.

5. There is a real risk of the "Crusades" all over again...an escalating Christians vs. Muslims all-out happening.

My main concern is that Bush will do something stupid to respond to the public's cry for blood, and the result will be a "Bay of Pigs" to the 10th power.

1. The Viet Cong weren't tough...we had no resolve to fight and win a war...and that's the truth. The US won every...EVERY MAJOR SKIRMISH with the VC...that is also a fact. What we had were spineless gutless politicians throwing our young boys into battle as cannon fodder, when all they wanted access to the heroin trade and didn't want to piss off the Vietnamese, the Chinese or the Russians.

2. I'm not a Bush fan but if the rest of the civilized world doesn't get "on board" about terrorism in general, you're right...we're up to our ass in trouble. The rest of the world has been living with terrorism and we have blithely watched it from our "safe haven."

3. Our world has changed forever. Our freedoms will be dealt out the window with special US ID's, special travel passes to go from state-to-state. The police, federal and local will be given sweeping powers.

4. You're right...they have nothing to lose. You can't bomb them back to the stone age because they live in it with Midievel (sp?) rules and regulations.

5. The fact that nothing has happened insofar as the United States is concerned bodes well for an approach that must be taken in order not to eliminate terrorism, but to get the word out that The portrait of the US as the great SATAN is incorrect. The US has done much for the Islamic countries, but as in many other cases, we never seek nor obtain credit.

6. If the world ends tomorrow who gives a rats ass?

And that's my comment.

Peace brothers.

I have a difficult time understanding how Muslims in general can easily assimilate here in America when Sura 5, Verse 50, of their Holy Quran (given to them directly by God -- first person singular through the Angel Gabriel) states: "Take thee not Christians nor Jews as your friends or protectors; they are but frinds and protectors to themselves."

That alone suggests a problem that needs to be solved, hopefully peacefully, and with greater understanding among all Americans including the Muslims, Jews and Christians. But that aside for the moment, the following anonymous letter from the Internet written by an American to the terrorists themselves suggests how deeply feelings go -- on both sides.

To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this:

Are you fucking kidding me? Are the gutras (Arabic-style turbans) on your heads wrapped too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not know who you are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill, that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish the opportunity for new targets to vent our aggression.

Have you forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about 2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in America call a Big Ass Bar-B-Que.

Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way. Mexico started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our lawns.

England? We sent them packing.

Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good ol' U. S.of A. The only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Our soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his shitty little country.

Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty-litter box. Go ahead and try to hide Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough, or a mountain high enough, that's going to keep your camel-riding asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors him, his camps, and any place that looks or even smells like he was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that have pissed us off in the past.

This is America; we kick ass. That is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks are coming. And we will smoke your sorry asses.

God bless America!

[Ed. NOte: Whoever might have written this, it is generally agreed that, although having the same general sentiments, it was not written by whoever it was who wrote #199, above.]

BULLETIN: The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell.

"I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

"It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

"Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

To two thoughtful guys:

I've been dwelling on this "Islamic" thing (teaches peace, but some people interpret as war). For example: If you die in battle for Allah, you will go to paradise with 72 virgins waiting on you." Where do these (silly fucking) "interpretations" come from? Here's what I think:

There are parallels in Christianity to everything the fundamentalist Muslims are saying:

1. In the Crusades, a Christian's duty was to "kill the infidel".
2. In the Spanish Inquisition, Jews were forced to "convert or die"
3. In early Salem, "Evil witches were burned".
4. Today's "born agains" say that it doesn't matter if you are Mother Teresa, if you aren't "born again" you are damned to hell. (What assholes)

The New Testament Message about peace and love was around then, but the church officials of the day chose to interpret it for their own ends.

Here's the punch line: In those days, the Church and the Government were one, just like in Islam today. Where there is a secular government, like in Turkey, the Mullahs don't count for much politically, just like the Cardinals and Archbishops are mostly politically impotent in western countries. Therefore, when the clerics are in charge of government, they do what they have to to maintain "control". It's a male "control" thing. They see the equality of women and the lack of religious authoritative power in western countries to threaten their "control" should it spread. Therefore, Islam is politically where Christianity was 400-700 years ago. Once all clerics jobs is limited to saving souls, and having no political clout whatsoever, Islam will be as civilized as anyplace else. Unfortunately, this will probably take a terribly long time. These mullahs simply use religion as a weapon to control (ignorant) people.

Can you tell that I don't like religion in general?

Thanks for the ?thoughtful guys,? Oreon. I think thoughtful thoughts about 7% of the time and am motivated on gut reactions the other 93% of the time. Maybe Jim is ?thoughtful."

Like you, I don?t ?like? religion in general. Hellfire, the Pastor in my church thinks John Edward is inspired by Satan and I happen to think that he (John Edward) is tapped into something much greater ? God? An unknown ?force,? another dimension ? Lord only knows!

Your examples below are on target as far as I know (never was good at history) and indeed, there are parallels between Christianity and/or Judaism with the Islamic beliefs.

But I still want the bastards that took down the WTC?s twin towers in New York and 1/5 of the Pentagon to enjoy the Islamic hell portrayed in the 'letter/Item on our Chat page' that probably kicked off your reply.

But is it all religion? What do you think of the US story that a Ukraine military exercise ?accidentally? shot down the Russian airliner (loaded with Israelis) with a quite expensive SA-5, no less. The fact that they wouldn?t use an SA-5 -- they never did in major many-on-many exercises in all the time I was USAF?s (European Tactical Air Force?s) Chief Scientist over there and I am reasonably certain and that even a long-range SA-5 the Ukraine military couldn?t pickle a plane that high at 160 miles range carrying a warhead with conventional explosives (there WAS an explosion!).

That was what made the stories in the newspapers yesterday ? and I noticed that the online New York Times dropped the story today -- one day after the shootdown. Very interesting ... GWB's "War" cannot be stopped and he needs the entire coalition, it seems. The Israeli takeover of Hebron must be giving Bush gas pains too.

But your thoughts re. the sad state of religious doctrine are on target and accepted as a very powerful argument against blaming Muslims or any other single religion. Religion, and its foolish (hateful) doctrines are to blame.

What now?

Since September 11, I've been doing a lot of reading (strange for me) listening and otherwise applying my own logic to the current national situation. I am toying with a conclusion on which that I would like to hear your thoughts:

Unlike any doubts about Japanese Americans Italian Americans, or German Americans in this country in WW-II, it fair to say that we know now that they were Americans first and fought with this country, even though they might be concerned about relatives in the homeland. I saw some recent polls where Islamic Americans were asked about their allegiances, and almost all said that if it came down to supporting Islam or the U. S., they would support Islam. These people put religion ahead of EVERYTHING, and I see them developmentally where the Christians were in the middle ages (Inquisition, Crusades, etc.).

If this is true, could we be in a positon to chose religious tolerence and our national interest. When our national "ideals" conflict with the beliefs of those people who are supposed to be protected by those ideals, then what?

What do you think?

Me? Personally? I am reminded of the story about a man and his young son, walking in downtown New York in 2033 AD...the man and his son walk buy a huge crater in the ground, and his son says, "Why is that crater there daddy?"

The father replies, "That is where the twin towers of the World Trade Center used to be."

"What is the World Trade Center Daddy?" said the little boy.

"That is where much of the commerce in the world took place," the father replied. Why isn't the World Trade Center there?" asked the young boy sincerely.

"On September 11, 2001, Arabs hijacked airplanes and flew them into the towers and killed almost 7000 people."

"What are Arabs daddy?"

As Don Wick was heard to say..."Nuff said."

Hmmmm . . . I'm not quite sure how to take Jim D.'s "story, above." Either there won't be any Arabs around because we'll have made a kitty-litter out of the entire Middle East with our bombs and missiles, or he means that by the year 2033, we will have evolved to the point where we don't distinguish among Arabs, Caucasians, Jews, African Americans, Baptists and whatever else. He'll have to explain his story's meaning.

As for what Oreon popped on us (also above) - now that is a real conundrum. What in fact, do we do when someone's ideals conflict with the laws that are in place to protect those ideals? Well, if someone has an "ideal" that includes murder and rape, we haven't had too much trouble during the time since 1776 throwing these persons into jails, electric chairs and gas chambers, have we?

Mr. Kazinski (the Uni-bomber) had ideals that "conflict[ed] with the beliefs of the people who are supposed to be protected by those ideals," and we had little trouble popping him into jail. [I still don't understand how he avoided lethal injection.] I think it's only when persons carry their goofball beliefs to the point of breaking the law that we have to crack down.

Me? I think that GWB is handling it about as well as is possible under the circumstances. And I assume he has someone else open his mail for him.

I'm betting that Jim's "tale" involves your "former" conlcusion. I have gotten a flurry of responses from other people that have altered my perception on the subject. Also I have learned from these responses that many people I know are much more deeply religious than I thought (Of course God comes before country!). For that reason I appreciate all the more my dialog with people like you, as I feel my "areligious" points of view tend to offend people. In other words I'm learning, at long last, when to keep my fuckin' mouth shut!

Anyhow, here's my current point of view, as shaped by responses to my E-Mail and recent news programs:

Islamic Terrorists are to Islam as Christian Terrorists (abortion clinic bombers, Timothy McVeigh, KKK) are to Christianity. In other words, there are assholes in all religions, and they all find it convenient to use religious justification for their asshole behaviour. The general in charge of Pakistan lets the "assholes" in his country rant, but isn't worried. He'll shoot them if they get out of line. There are more assholes in Isalm, because they are poorer and more desperate.

I found it interesting that the head of State of Pakistan and Iran and Saudi Arabia have all said in confidence (through intermediaries) to JWB to "not make the same mistake your father did." In other words, finish the job this time. I'm hoping that JWB has the guts to stand up to the subversive news media as well as the "California Style" anti-war flakes. His stance should be: "If the American people get skiddish because the see a few American body bags on TV, fuck 'em."

[Ed. Note: The "God versus Country" thing is like "paper covers rock; rock breaks scizzors; scizzors cuts paper; etc. ad. nauseum." Your commentary put the issue in a proper perspective, IMHO -- not really that humble. Christian "terrorists" are no less nor more despicable than Islamic or Jewish "terrorists." And yes, terrorists come in all colors and flavors.]

My story (above at Item #204) will have to stand at its face value ... I sort of like the myriad of endings oyu attached to it though.

Want a new take on Anthrax??? I believe that Anthrax is being distributed by domestic terrorists...ie; militias, KKK etc. Look who was targeted ... Tom Brokaw, newspapers, Daschle...all very liberal...all tending to be the antithesis of GWB.

Oh well, as Tom Lehrer wrote in a song:

"Oh we'll all go together when we go, all suffused with an incandescent glow, there will be no more misery when the world is our rotisserie, yes we all will go together when we go."

The items above from Doug, Jim and one even (website swipe suggestion) from a wishes-to-remain-anonymous ADP's wife have led me to believe that we need a contest to determine how best to deal with Osama bin Laden and his crew. Each of you get a shot at a First Prize of . . . well . . . posterity. Did you think I'd give cash?

Anyway, my submission is that every one of those Al-Quaida ass-holes get no fewer than 20 years in the pen -- no parole -- no time off for good behavior -- but TWENTY COMPLETE YEARS behind bars! And for bin Laden himself, I think he should be made to spend half that time in solitary confinement with a childrens book of poems to read. And his sentence should read "20 years to life" in the event he doesn't repent.

Well, you've got my entry. Do any of you have a better punishment for Osama bin Laden and the Al-Quaida group if we catch any of them alive?

Contrary to the other messages you send, this one sounds like you are a flaming liberal 'cause I see no reference to the death penalty. Did you live in Europe too long?

I would expect that the bombs and missiles would likely kill him in Afghanistan. I was only suggesting what should be done to him if he's brought alive back to the US. I would expect his confinement (for how ever many years) to be in a Federal penitentiary -- and they are pretty austere, I believe. I am NOT a flaming liberal, but I certainly oppose the death penalty, don?t you? Any better ideas?

My, what a liberal bleeding heart punishment you have in mind, if indeed that is punishment...you might want to make them watch 24 hours a day of the Ellen Degeneres show as added punishment.

My Plan: Gather all the terrorists in New York City at the site of the World Trade Center. Strip them bare ass [including their turbans] and paint them yellow so they can't go unnoticed. Bring all the relatives and friends of the people killed at the 9-11-01 destruction. (You might want to add the Lockerbie flight relatives also.)

Take anyone who might object to the procedure so far, and throw them in with the bunch of terrorists. Let the friends and relatives do (short of actually killing) to the bunch what ever they wish. Any kind of non lethal punishment will be permitted. Non-lethal so as to give everyone a chance at them.

When they get done doing whatever they want, sell tickets at $50.00 each for non-relatives and friends to have their chance. If you did this 24 hours a day, at 10 seconds each, that would be 8640 people per day doing what they wish. With possibly 50,000,000 with the interest and wherewithal, this would give you almost 16 years of nonstop something or other type of non lethal punishment.

Additionally it would put almost 2 1/2 billion dollars into a fund to help perpetuate the punishment. At the first outcry from any country, send them a nuclear gift.

Or you might just want to let them go and say, "Vengeance is mine" sayeth the Lord and give them all Anthrax laden Visas. Jim...a spiteful, hateful seeker of vengeance.

Not a friend to homeless Arabs and Muslims.

[Ed. Note: It appears that both Joe R. and Jim D. oppose the death penalty. Good to see some agreement among us.]

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.

Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Navy Seals covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return her to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the Taliban.

[Ed. Note: Hmmmm . . .}

I'd kind of like tying him to a stake an forcing him to see/listen to Islamic blasphemies 24/7.

[Ed. Note: Oreon quickly added the following to the short blurb just above:]

I finally got it! I figured out the answer to Joe R.'s request for a proper punishment for Osama bin Laden:

Strap him to a chair, prop open his eyes (like in a "Clockwork Orange") and make him watch MTV and listen to rap music 24/7

Worse than death, and leaving no dignity whatsoever!

His deed stems from his own greed for power and his lack of true knowledge of the tenet he demonizes. The man needs to be granted the capacity to ask for his own punishment. Truly. He should have a few years of sitting and unlearning what he has professed until it it the only truth he knows. He then needs a few years of learning from those who know his religion in its awesome truth and beauty.

And he needs solitude to be able to absorb and understand.

He will ask for his own punishment.

It may root out the terror and the blasphemy that is being spread as religion among the ignorant.

Surrendered ..... With Reverence.... To The Divinity In All Beings and All Things

There's a couple of old Chinese punishments that may go some way to alleviating the pain that Bin Laden (may pigs shit on his name) has caused.

1) He is asked which part of his body he wants cut off, he is allowed to choose anything except his head, this piece is then surgically removed put in formalhydride and put on public display.

When he has recovered from the surgery he is asked the next part he wants cut off this piece is then surgically removed put in formalhydride and put on public display.

When he has recovered from the surgery he is asked the next part he wants cut off this piece is then surgically removed put in formalhydride and put on public display.

If at any time he refuses to choose a part it is chosen for him.

And so on until there is nothig left but his head and torso, his torso is buried in a pig pen with only the head showing, the pigs are given nothing to eat.

The whole process is shown on television at prime viewing time all channels compelled to comply or lose their licence. This way anybody else contemplating such heinious acts will know what awaits them.

2) This is one of my favourites - the death of a thousand cuts.

Bil Laden is strung up naked in a sack made of chicken wire.

Everyday or maybe twice a day a piece of flesh that bulges through the wire is cut off. Pieces are cut off until there is no more flesh by which time

Bin Laden will have Bin Raving for sometime and will be completely off his head.

What's left is fed to the pigs.

Prime television coverage as in 1).

Guys: Here's my current status:

1. Tumors keep growing, chemotherapy doesn't work anymore

2. There are two unapproved drugs (Oxaliplatin & IMC-225) in clinical trials here in Knoxville now that would help me, but I'm not "eligible" based upon the trial's objectives.

3. I am investigating going to Mexico where I can legally buy Oxaliplatin (it's legal there & in Europe) and bring my own "stash" here for treatment.

4. My local oncologist gave me 6 months (but he's full of shit, anyway).

Here's the good news: Just like Steve North is hooked up with Dartmouth Medical School (forward-looking hotshots who told him that "they see their job as keeping him alive until he dies from something else"...impressive, huh?), I have found a couple of young surgeons at Wake Forest Medical School who have the same upbeat attitude. They use phrases like "We're going to kick (the tumor's) ass"....or "We'll fry the sonofabitch". These are my kind of guys. My oncologist sees his job as making smalltalk, avoiding my questions, and checking my weight and blood pressure once a month until I die. Not my kind of guy! The technologies they are talking about are Radio Frequency Ablation (RFA), "Theraspheres", and concentrated chemo injected directly into the hepatic artery. To equate what Steve's doctors at Dartmouth told him, mine say: "We're going to make you a poster child for these advanced treatments. Whether I make it for 6 months, 6 years, or 20 years, I am going to publish a white paper, to help my friends who have to deal with cancer, about my experiences with the American Cancer establishment (doctors, drug companies, FDA, etc.).

I can say this for sure: If I would have known 6 months ago what I know now, and not trusted my oncologist, I would have probably been able to extend my life by a couple of years, at the least. One of my new surgeon friends jokes, (tongue-in-cheek) "You want to get the best cancer treatment in America? Then get a passport and go to an airport." The whole cancer system is really fucked up here in the states, and the lawyers are responsible for a lot of it. Also, cancer is big business, and that doesn't usually work to the patient's advantage. A part of my white paper will be about how to take your treatment into your own hands if your doctor is an asshole like mine.

To have a chance to live, you must be pro-active and find a doctor who gives a shit, and people who are into advanced treatments. Most oncologists won't even tell you about them. They just process the masses, very even-handedly, thorough the "standard" approved (and outdated) regimens. You get to live a little longer if you are lucky enough to "qualify" for a clinical trail at the local facility. If you don't "qualify" locally, they won't tell you if that same clinical trial is available to you at another facility, or another town, where the rules are different, and you do qualify. You must find that out for yourself. I am still courteous to my oncologist because I need him to schedule cat scans, write prescriptions, etc...but that's all he's good for.

I can't recall having read a letter that made me angrier than this one has. I know that beaurocratic bullshit abounds on every street corner, but this is the one area that you would expect something better. What does "MD" stand for? Murdering Dicks? I've been chasing UFOs as a Field Investigator for MUFON and have been lied to, cleverly given disimformation to put me off track and made unnecessarily > to wait months for a FOIA request that should have taken days. But that's in a harmless realm like UFOlogy, not cancer. I used to think that our various agencies (FBI, CIA, etc.) had incredible > corruption; however, the medical profession appears to be doing them one better.

The bottom line, I'm afraid, is sheer GREED and I know of no way to stop the bastards from continuing to manage the sheep (us!) as long as they wish to long into the future. Our grandchildren will probably be fighting the same battles 60 years from now. Obviously, I'm not too optimistic about the medical profession policing itself. Not while there's so much money to be made in sickness, disease and death. But fight the bastards to the mat on this, Doug. Go to Mexico or wherever if you have to. It can be beaten. Also, I believe in prayer (believe it or not) and will put the Good Lord to work on it ... if there is a "Good Lord."

Hey Joe Ryan, my old friend: I didn't mean to give you a shit hemorrhage, but thanks for your concern. The medical field, like any other, has it's assholes and good guys. I just happened to draw an asshole as my oncologist. There are a lot of "good guy" doctors and exciting new treatments out there. In fairness to doctors, the lawyers (you know, the kind of bottom-feeders who advertise on TV saying "Have you taken this drug? Have you had this problem? Are you getting all that you deserve?) have scared some physicians shitless, inhibiting them from being too "creative".

The FDA, has been fucked over too. Remember, we have many more lawyers, per capita, than other countries. In America someone always has to be "blamed" when anything goes wrong. (Remember the woman who spilled hot coffee on her crotch because she was holding it between her legs when she was driving? Damned vicious old McDonalds!) That phenomena causes the FDA to test a new drug, and test, and test, and test, and test, and test!

In other countries, "reasonable evidence" of effectiveness of a drug may be sufficient to put it out for general use. The naive majority of our citizens think the FDA is "looking out for our safety", right! Wrong! They're protecting their ass, and understandably so! They're scared that they will have another "thalidomide" on their hands and they will be blamed. It's easier for the FDA to let people die from a disease that a new drug could prevent, then put themselves (and doctors) at risk from publicity and litigation due to an unknown side effect that pops up from using said new drug.

Only a highly visible political movement, like AIDS activists, can build a fire under them. This is one reason why "alternative" medicine keeps gaining momentum. In that environment, people are allowed to take responsibility for themselves, instead of depending upon a bureaucracy to be responsible for them. And remember, like all bureaucracies, the FDA's first mission to perpetuate itself. I learned that at IBM. I appreciate your sympathy, Joe, but please don't go off the deep end on this and consider all doctors to be assholes. I think there are only a few.

If you REALLY want to get pissed-off about something, ask yourself these questions: 1. What would Exxon do if someone came up with a low-cost, throw-away battery that would power a car for a year? 2. What would the American Cancer Establishment (drug companies, medical community, FDA, HMO's, American Cancer Society, etc.) do if a generalized, across-the-board cancer cure suddenly appeared out of someone's garage? Think of the economic implications. 3. Imagine you are a CFO in a drug company. You must chose between two research projects competing for funding. Which would you pick?: A. A treatment that turns cancer into a "chronic" disease like diabetes (where people pay continually for lifetime drug and doctor support)? B. A one-time "cure"?

Don't think for a minute, when you see those five tobacco execs all swearing in court that nicotine is not addictive, that only tobacco execs are motivated that way. It's called BUSINESS! Remember, America is great and we all live well because of the profit motive in this country. But everything has a downside!

Thanks for this last note Doug. It came before I could respond. Yes there are some good guys, and I can only say from my own experience that it is getting harder and harder to do research of any kind, particularly drug testing. The FDA has by mandate a belt and suspenders attitude and there is a CYA feeling. This also perpetuated in Hospital and University IRB's who justify their activities for patient protection, but they are really trying to assure that there is no possible repercussion of any type for the Institution. This is accentuated by federal watchdogs who again under a mantle of patient protection hold an ax over the Institution through suspension of all types of funding and support. It takes more time to write an IRB protocol and to get a consent form approved than it does to conduct a study. It really comes down to dollars. Maybe some of these people really do have altruistic motives, but I suspect that it is more likely self aggrandization and as Doug says self perpetuation.

Hey Al:

Thanks for the input. You gave me an insight that I hadn't thought of:

1. Drug companies donate to congressional campaigns

2. Beholding congressmen push laws that protect drug companies.

3. FDA and hospitals have more red tape.

4. People like me get screwed.

God Bless America!

Because of your validation of my observations, I now forgive you (when you were pledgemaster) for making me walk like a duck, with tabasco sauce in my mouth, and spit on a wastebasket fire until the fire was out. Hell, I'm even sorry I wrote the words to one of our sing-alongs, "Saint Louis SAH".

Dear Doug, I'm sorry to hear about your cancer progression despite treatment. Contrary to what people think about treatment outside of the United States, cure rates for cancer treatment is still the best here using the "standard protocol which you called useless. Unfortunately, if you're not one of the cures it's 100% bad for the individual. What you have to try to avoid is some treatment which promises results which can end up shortening your life instead of lengthening your life. The classic historical example of this is Crabiazin which was a drug which got notoriety for cancer treatment from Mexico. It turned out it was derived from apricot pits and contained cyanide. Numerous patients skipped traditional therapy for it and were poisoned to shorten their life.

As a physician I always found that my colleagues cared deeply about their patient's welfare. Where many lacked was an inability to show it well. Perhaps when you see problems over and over again, you learn to hide your personal feeling or maybe you don't think your patients want to see an emotional doctor. New and untested protocols are also dangerous. Some do eventually find their way into regular usage after they show promise during testing. The large majority are discarded because of bad side effects or the poor outcomes on the patients on which they were tried. The results ended in shortened lives instead of life prolongation.

There is no question that a positive attitude by the patient is associated with life prolongation. All I can tell you is enjoy each day and be thankful for it. When I was 50 years old I had to have my heart shocked to get it back right.

I had to have it done again on another occasion. But I thank God that I have not had any problems now for over 10 years. I wake up every day and I'm thankful for another day. I think you should be sure of the expectations of any treatment and be sure that a given treatment may not make your remaining days miserable.

I rarely send group e-mails, but seeing the responses, I thought that my thoughts might be useful to my other brothers. I view e-mail as mail, and I like to write personal notes to one person at a time. Doug forgive me for sending this to everyone. The only time I use group e-mail is just as you have, to disseminate information.

Please keep me up to date on your life.

Doug, Thanks for the update. I can't really add anything better than the mail from Al, Chris & Joe but can understand your motivation and frustration at this point in your fight. I'm not a big fan of alternative medicine but do believe attitude and outlook play are significant factors in the fight. Also it appears I've joined the big C club. Got diagnosed with prostate cancer a couple of weeks age. The good news is that it seems to be in a small area and the Urologist feels it's localized in the prostate at this stage, but there's no guarantee. Anyway, I've decided to have surgery to remove the prostate. Doug, stay the course. We love you man!

Hey R. Stanley:

Sorry to hear about your Prostate Cancer. I assume you have got diagnosed via an annual PSA and digital exam. Of the 6/8 or so friends/neighbors/etc. that I know, who are or have been where you are, the news is great! I would take what you have over what I have in a minute. It is so slow to metastasize, and the surgical procedures are so good, that you can fully expect 100% recovery. People over 70 who get it are often told that, if they do nothing, they will probably die of something else anyway. I know that the initial diagnosis is scary, because of the terror we all associate with the "C" word. But once past that, I'm sure you will join the ranks of other famous people (Charlton Heston, Bob Dole, Norman Schwartzkof, Roger Millikan, and Jim Deibel) who have beaten it.

Here's the sad part...colon cancer is even easier to detect early. Most people, like me, didn't know about colonoscopies. They let their GP M. D. talk them into a "sigmoidoscopy" which is a bullshit procedure. General Practioners like it because they can do it in their office and make money. To do a colonoscopy they must refer you to a gastroenerologist. Here are the problems with a signmoidoscopy (vs. colonoscopy):

1. It only looks at 1/4 of the colon

2. It is done by a guy who isn't as "up-to-speed" as to what to look for.

My M. D. missed mine entirely, and it was in the sigmoid area.

The beauty of a colonscopy is:

1. You do it every 5 years (versus every year for a PSA/Prostate check)

2. If they see a precancerous polyp (the way most colon cancer starts) they can "snip" it in the process (pro-active prevention)

The only bad thing is drinking 1-1/2 gallons of liquid the day before, to clean out all the lurking shit. The procedure itself is painless/nothing. Had I be doing colonscopies every 5 years, I would not be in this spot...but I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!

Stay Well...

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when the hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

Greetings!

I got the pathology results from my Dr. and the news couldn't be better. According to him I am now cancer free and a very high probability that I'll remain that way. I just want to say thanks so much for your calls, e-mails and cards. I really appreciate everyone's concern and thoughts.

Well it has been a while but now I am back as a contractor for Cleveland State. During the black out I had no input or output from your web site.

Of course the biggest event during that time was the terrorist attack. When I got to see the Rant & Rave page again on, actually 1/9/02, I was able to read through the progress of emotions of the various brothers as they sorted out and shared their feelings as they attempted to come to grips with the horror that changed our world.

I feel compelled to share my thoughts. I realize I write with hind sight that was not available to the brothers at that much earlier time.

On 9-28-01 Joe Ryan wrote on the Rant & Rave page:

"I have a difficult time understanding how Muslims in general can easily assimilate here in America when Sura 5, Verse 50, of their Holy Quran (given to them directly by God -- first person singular through the Angel Gabriel) states:

I think I have always respected people who take their own religion seriously. A devout Muslim is required to read, and reread, the Qur'an.

And so it is that about the same time as Joe was entering Sura 5, Verse 50 into our proceedings, I began reading "The Qur'an, A Modern English Version" Translated by Majid Fakhry. So. Joe and I. Two great minds, right? [Ed. Note: Right.]

When anyone asked me why I was doing this I would say: My president tells me that Islam is a Religion of peace. Osama Bin Laden tells me that since I am a Christian, or indeed simply not a Muslim, he will kill me if he gets a chance. My thought was that the truth about Islam, must lie somewhere between those extremes and the devout Muslim will get his belief from his holy book.

Some of my impressions:

Sura 5, Verse 60 says:

* Those who live around Cleveland heard that the Iman at the Parma Mosque had been publicized as calling Jews the sons of monkeys and pigs. He responded that he said that when he was young and he only meant some Jews. (Of course Sura 5, Verse 60 only refers to some Jews - the ones who do not embrace Islam.)

In, I think, Sura 2:

*The first pronouncement out of Iraq after 9/11/01 was "America has reaped what it has sown."

Sura 3. Verse 150

*No comment necessary here.

I get the impression that when Muslim leaders such as these make public pronouncements they are saying something different to us than they are to fellow Muslims. They are reminding fellow Muslims of what their holy book tells them.

About our bombing the hell out of Afganistan:
* Early in the war we knocked out radio Afganistan (or what ever they called it) and we started broadcasting on the same frequency. I don't know what the state department, in their infinite wisdom, broadcast but I would have sent the simple message: "We are bombing the hell out of your country because your leaders sent agents to our country who killed thousands of innocent Americans. Our motive is to get them so they cannot do that again. We don't want to hurt you but if you get in the way - you may get hurt."

Could there be some Afgans who are glad of the attack on our country because it lead to the destruction of the Taliban? I think it is good that we give aid to these people but let us never get the idea that we owe it to them. But let us not forget that if it had not been for 9/11/01 most of us would not give a damn what conditions were like in Afganistan.

About getting Bin Laden:
*We probably won't. We didn't get Hitler either. Will he be a martyr?, live to back more terrorism?

When the bombing began there were these demonstrations in Pakistan against us. As soon as it was obvious we were going to bomb the Taliban to pieces the demonstrations evaporated. Those people live in fear of their God and their leaders. They are abused children of abused children. Now they fear us. This is good if it means we don't have to kill anymore of them to keep peace. Let them not loose the idea that if they let Bin Laden operate in their country we will bomb the hell out of them too.

Surely much of the money I have spent on fuel for my car, over the years, has gone to finance terrorism against my country. I wish I could stop doing that. I saw an interview on TV with a Saudi leader. He reminded me of a line from "My Fair Lady": "Oozing charm from every pore, he oiled his way around the floor."

About losing our personal freedoms: We will have to lose some for personal safety. There was a time when our wives could walk the streets at night without fear. There was a time when we could bear arms, or leave our cars unlocked. We have already lost some things for safety because there are those who abuse them. I don't know where it will end.

Well I guess that's enough for now.

This is really good info...........

Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc., so that you will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel.

Keep the photocopy in a safe place.

A corporate attorney sent this out to the employees in his company.

I pass it along, for your information. We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed us in your name, address, SS#, credit, etc. Unfortunately I (the author of this piece who happens to be an attorney) have first hand knowledge, because my wallet was stolen last month and within a week the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know. As everyone always advises, cancel your credit cards immediately, but the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never ever thought to do this) - Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and SS#.

I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost 2 weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in).

It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.

The numbers are:

HOW TRUE IS THIS?????

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve our problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Now hear this!! (And repeat it to yourself 50 times!)

• "I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
• I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I DO forward an e-mail.
• Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret DOESN'T know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
• I will NEVER receive a gift certificate, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
• I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER!!!!
• My phone will NOT MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward an e-mail.
• There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am NOT STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
• There is no kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did that when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.
• The government DOES NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
• There is no secret Marshall Fields cookie recipe.
• The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to anyone dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
• And finally, I WILL NOT let others "guilt" me into sending Scripture to ten email addresses with the threat that I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ if I don't. Nowhere in the Bible do I read the words, "Thou shalt forward...!"
• Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon (or Sam Eells next birthday) or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!!!" [Fuck, that's no threat to me anyway. I have only half a head of hair and am constipated 50% of the time anyway.]

Accoustic Ultrasonics is the name of the Nondestructive technique I am to teach to some of my young associates. The name seems either redundant or contradictory I realize. In about 1980 it was handed down to me by the man who invented it, Alex Vary. (Besides being the inventor of "A-U" he was also a rather good punster). At the first international conference on A-U, (of which there have been three, but probably no more), Alex, of course, gave the Key Note address. He said that a few years earlier his boss had come into his lab to see what he was doing. Alex was holding an ultrasonic transducer in one hand and an acoustic emission sensor in the other so in a moment of panic he blurted out "acousto-ultrasonics!" Knowing his boss would return sometime to see results, he invented A-U.

Knowing Alex would return to the lab someday to see results, I further developed A-U. Are you familiar with "accoustic emission"? It is a technique where one puts mechanical stress on an object and records the acoustic waves that are emitted. Gives information on the mechanical state of the object. A-U substitutes ultrasonic waves for the mechanical stress. It is more non-destructive than acoustic emission.

I have just finished reading Salman Rushdie's "The Satanic Verses". I read the Qur"an to see what made the fundamentalists tick, and the most recent book to see what makes them really tick. Rushdie is an Indian who lives in London. One of the plots involves the prejudices against, and bullying of, the Indian population there. There is also a lot of anti-Islamic situations. One of the principle characters is an Indian screen actor named "Gabreel" who, after the experience of falling out of an airliner - and living, goes in and out of the state of thinking he is the Angel Gabriel. There is this woman who convinces Indian villagers that the Angel Gabriel speaks to her, and that he wants them to walk to Mecca where all their ailments will be cured. This involves them crossing the Arabian sea. Gabriel will part the waves so they may pass. (One morning they come across an abandoned baby out side a Mosque. The Iman declares that this is a "child of devilment" and the baby is stoned to death). When they arrive at the Arabian sea they all walk into the water. A few are dragged back by the police, and they claim they saw the waves part. The rest are never heard from again.

Last evening I saw Mark Twain on the History channel. I think I will start reading Mark Twain for a while.

Having lived in the Middle East (Riyadh and Dubai) for almost a decade -- and recently -- I identified with this little gem instantly:

Akhmed came to the United States from Afghanistan. He was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room and followed the doctor's instructions. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!

...and Suzuki said, "The Taliban! 2001."

To friends of Doug Winter...here's a note Laurie got from Elaine...it was too extensive to peruse so I just thought I would pass it along...it is in regard to his new treatment.

Season's Greetings, Well we are back from our first TheraSpheres treatment.

Good news - Bad news. The good news is that Doug handled everything like a champ and Dr. Coldwell says that things are really looking good. (Meaning hang on because we are going to really attack this evil menace (cancer).

Bad news - I read Doug's copy of the trial's protocol and Doug has everything that you might get after one treatment i.e., nausea, temperature, chills etc. Not to worry - this family can certainly handle a little nausea. We are glad to be able to participate and are looking forward to returning to Winston-Salem probably the third or fourth week in January for another PET scan and another TheraSphere treatment.

By the way, FYI they put 8 million ThereaSpheres in one tumor in one lobe of his liver. It is hard to imagine 8 million of anything attacking one tumor at a time. And no Doug does not glow in the dark -- although, Coldwell suggested that Doug ride in the back seat home and that he should not be holding anything (i.e. me, the dogs) close to him for about 4 days. It seems that he is giving off gamma rays. I told Dr. Coldwell that we had a couple of parties this weekend and his reply was "Well, he should not be holding anything that close anyway - so go ahead a go."

Guess that takes all of the cuties out of the neighborhood out of ole Doug's arms for a short time. Hope each of you have a warm, loving, peaceful holiday season.

Feudalism

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism

You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism

You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

[Palindromes as dates make me feel kinda silly, I guess.]

We have some great Recreation and Fitness centers here where I live in Bellevue near Seattle, Washington.

BUT, I can't always get there for lots of reasons. Anyway, I figured out an alternative --- and thought I would let you in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen at least three days a week.

I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out and hold them there as long as I can. After a while I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

--

--

Okay, after that lame joke, now you know it; I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD! -- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes:

I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car... But first I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...

I'm going to look for those checks... But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while... I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water...

I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses... I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots--Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??!!

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, and the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because:

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'd get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Would you all agree with me that inside every one of us old men is a young Alpha Delt recalling a fear of Hell Week -- and now, half a century later, wondering what in the world happened! When will hell Week end anyway?

[Doug to Joe]

I read an article in the local paper. Since you lived in Saudi maybe you, or someone you know, can validate or repudiate this:

[Joe to Doug]

Yes, that's about it. I think they use the words "blaspheme Allah's name," but before we ?Christians? get too self-righteous, many fundamentalist Christians believe that the only "unforgivable" (even by God) sin is "blaspheming the Holy Spirit." That's stated somewhere in the New testament, as I recall. Don?t ask me where, please.

[Doug to Joe]

I'm not self-righteous! Just scared shitless that Muslims or Christians can be so barbaric! Blasphemy is one of my favorite pastimes.

The religious community is like anyplace else...there are "good guys" and "assholes". It just that the assholes are so fuckin' dangerous!!! Just to show balance, that there are some "great" religious people, I've attached this note from the gal who married us. She's a Presbyterian minister. She is currently the Chaplain for a small Presbyterian college in Tennessee. I told her that I would like to be a guest instructor in the "ethics class" she teaches at the college. Here's what she said:

[Chaplain to Doug]

OK Doug, you are going to have to be alive next January, because I taught ethics in an intense 3 hour a day, 5 days a week, 3 week January term. That is why it almost killed me. And I would love to have you as a guest in one of my classes. The students would like that, too - because you have both the sense of the difficulties of making ethical decisions in business, and the perspective of your disease. In the class we do both philosophical and theological perspectives, so yours would fit either way. In fact, it is very good for the conservative students to realize that one does not need to be "religious" to be a highly ethical person. I am going to mail you an article I spoke about with Elaine, about a man in a similar situation to yours, who doesn't have the benefit of the ethical insight you have cultivated in your life. What is your mailing address, by the way?

[Joe to Doug]

I too am scared shitless by the fundamentalists within both the Muslim and Christian communities -- idiots like Mr. Ashcroft who throws blankets over the naked breasts on bronze statues (I only assume they are bronze; the news clip didn't say) at the Justice Department and even more dangerous assholes who toss fire bombs at abortion clinics and family Planning Centers. And BTW, such assholes are wider dispersed than just among Fundamentalist Muslims and Christians; there are plenty of pretty scary people among the less "fundamentalist" folks and also from among other groups and religions. Intolerance and self-righteousness seems to have no bounds.

Keep ranting. They deserve it, the bastards! And yes, your Presbyterian friend is my kinda gal.

Sorry I haven't been adding to the "Rant and Rave" website...I have too much to rant and rave about and I don't feel like writing it down.

On the other hand, although not particularly bathed in religiosity (sp?) our friends in politics scare the hell out of me.

We have allowed them to make full time jobs out of virtually every political office. Congress and the Senate used to be 3-6 months of meeting, settling the affairs of the nation and then going back home to "earn" their livings. Same is true of City governments and State governments.

It wasn't that long ago that Ohio had a part time senate and house...now the bastards "work" full time fucking us with laws that aren't necessary and making sure their pockets are full of cash and retirement goodies.

You want laws that work? Traffic laws are in place so the fucking cops can extract another tax from the motorist...tax collectors with uniforms, badges and guns. How many "speeders" cause accidents?

Who knows...I'm as much concerned about the old fuck wearing a baseball hat, driving a Buick 40 mph in the left lane of a four lane highway...he never dies or gets killed...but the people avoiding him often do.

fuck it.

Joe R. responds a few days later:

If Jim will permit me to say it too, I say ?yes, fuck the bastards who use our freedoms to take away the freedoms and safety of most of the rest of us.? Congratulations on the ?rant? that is already ahead of all of the others for 2002!

As for the local police, I know what you mean. I received a $114 ticket two weeks ago while going downhill at 11 miles over the speed limit. The guy following me to a place where we were going to have coffee said we were both going at only about 5 mph over the SL. To be honest, I have no idea what speed I was going at, but have seen hundreds of situations where some asshole was either going 5 mph below the speed limit in the left-hand lane or zipping through a pedestrian crossing unmolested by police. The fucking cops were too busy with their lucractive radar set-ups at the bottoms of hills on safe roads where they've set the speed limit unnecessarily low ... than to police serious hazards.

Do you want me to rave about some of the idiotic things our Federal Government has been doing to us all for as long as I've been alive?

Nah, that would take too long and besides, it's so old hat that it would bore you to tears.

Hopefully, GWB will spend a couple of bucks for a good sharp razor to slit the throats of those animals that murdered Daniel Pearl in Pakistan. My first thought was that we should nuke Karachi with two or three strategic hydrogen bombs, but that would be too drastic. Maybe a tactical nuke on a mosque in Islamabad (not near a hospital or orphanage) to catch their attention -- and then catch all of them, slit their throats -- letting them "experience" death, then quickly "save" them so as to have each of them forced to swallow a live cobra (I loved "Collateral Damage"!) but again, keeping them alive with some antidote so that they could ultimately be put into a 3' x 3' air-tight jail cell with stomach and gastric cramps -- and no toilet -- until they died of starvation or drowned/suffocated in their own shit, whichever came first.

But whatever, they shouldn't be summarily executed; I believe in humane treatment of Prisoners of War in keeping with the fucking Geneva Concoctions.

Jim D. responds:

Since our mutual foundation at school is a literary fraternity...I could not improve on any of your suggestions except maybe to knock out a few mosques here. [Ed. Note: In Cleveland?]

Believe it or not but 8:02pm on February 20 this year will be an historic moment in time.

It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.

As the clock ticks over from 8:01pm on Wednesday, February 20, time will, for sixty seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise - 20:02, 20/02, 2002.

This historic event will never have the same poignancy as the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month which marks Armistice Day, but it is an event which has only ever happened once before, and is something which will never be repeated.

The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock - at 10.01am on January 10, 1001.

And because the clock only goes up to 23.59, it is something that will never happen again.

The subject line is the name of the Nondestructive technique I am to teach to some of my young associates. The name seems either redundant or contradictory I realize. In about 1980 it was handed down to me by the man who invented it, Alex Vary. (Besides being the inventor of "A-U" he was also a rather good punster). At the first international conference on A-U, (of which there have been three, but probably no more), Alex, of course, gave the Key Note address. He said that a few years earlier his boss had come into his lab to see what he was doing. Alex was holding an ultrasonic transducer in one hand and an acoustic emission sensor in the other so in a moment of panic he blurted out "acousto-ultrasonics!" Knowing his boss would return sometime to see results, he invented A-U.

Knowing Alex would return to the lab someday to see results, I further developed A-U. Are you familiar with "accoustic emission"? It is a technique where one puts mechanical stress on an object and records the acoustic waves that are emitted. Gives information on the mechanical state of the object. A-U substitutes ultrasonic waves for the mechanical stress. It is more non-destructive than acoustic emission.

I have just finished reading Salman Rushdie?s "The Satanic Verses". I read the Qur"an to see what made the fundamentalists tick, and the most recent book to see what makes them really tick. Rushdie is an Indian who lives in London. One of the plots involves the prejudices against, and bullying of, the Indian population there. There is also a lot of anti-Islamic situations. One of the principle characters is an Indian screen actor named "Gabreel" who, after the experience of falling out of an airliner - and living, goes in and out of the state of thinking he is the Angel Gabriel. There is this woman who convinces Indian villagers that the Angel Gabriel speaks to her, and that he wants them to walk to Mecca where all their ailments will be cured. This involves them crossing the Arabian sea. Gabriel will part the waves so they may pass. (One morning they come across an abandoned baby out side a Mosque. The Iman declares that this is a "child of devilment" and the baby is stoned to death). When they arrive at the Arabian sea they all walk into the water. A few are dragged back by the police, and they claim they saw the waves part. The rest are never heard from again.

Last evening I saw Mark Twain on the History channel. I think I will start reading Mark Twain for a while.

I was reading about clever dates on the Chit-Chat page. When I was nine years old we would listen to a radio quiz show called "Quick-as-a-Flash" That was on the old WHK - Mutual Network - on Sunday afternoons. Sunday afternoon was good for old WHK-1420 but we never listened to them any other time. The day was Sunday, January 23, 1945. I know because the announcer would always read off a list of curiosities at the beginning of the program. That particular day he pointed out that the date was 1/23/45. He said that would happen one more time that year, (12/3/45), but not again for some ungodly long time. I suppose not until 2045.

Like everyone else I am enraged at the terrorists murdering Daniel Pearl, and also about the way they did it. We really should raise some hell about that. When we do that they pay some attention to us. But instead we always turn on ourselves and act guilty about our actions. Most recently the Plain Dealer had a feature about the still living survivors of WW II internment of Japanese Americans. There was talk of how they can sympathize with the Arabs. One poor fellow still can't stand the smell of marmalade because he only had marmalade and stale bread to eat at that time. Well I am sorry for him, but if they had some Marmalade and stale bread on the Bataan death march we might have more survivors of that event.

Well, so much for the 1940s for now.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved taste, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he didn't think there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting."

This is for all the kids born in the 70's that do not remember this, and didn't have to bear the burden, that our fathers, mothers, and older brothers and sisters had to bear.Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the "100 Women of the Century." Unfortunately, many have forgotten and still countless others have never known how Ms. Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country but specific men who served and sacrificed during Vietnam.

The first part of this is from an F-4E pilot. The pilot's name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat. In 1978, the former Commandant of the USAF Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison-the "Hanoi Hilton." Dragged from a stinking cesspit of a cell, cleaned, fed, and dressed in clean PJs, he was ordered to describe for a visiting American "Peace Activist" the "lenient and humane treatment" he'd received. He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and dragged away. During the subsequent beating, he fell forward upon the camp Commandant's feet, which sent that officer berserk. In '78, the AF Col. still suffered from double vision (which permanently ended his flying days) from the Vietnamese Col.'s frenzied application of a wooden baton.

From 1963-65, Col. Larry Carrigan was in the 47FW/DO (F-4Es). He spent 6 -years in the "Hilton"- the first three of which he was "missing in action". His wife lived on faith that he was still alive. His group, too, got them cleaned, fed, clothed routine in preparation for a "peace delegation" visit. They, however, had time and devised a plan to get word to the world that they still survived. Each man secreted a tiny piece of paper, with his SSN on it, in the palm of his hand. When paraded before Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man's hand and asking little encouraging snippets like: "Aren't you sorry you bombed babies?" and "Are you grateful for the humane treatment from your benevolent captors?"

Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed her their sliver of paper. She took them all without missing a beat. At the end of the line and once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs, she turned to the officer in charge and handed him the little pile of papers. Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Col. Carrigan was almost number four but he survived, which is the only reason we know about her actions that day.

I was a civilian economic development advisor in Vietnam, and was captured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnam in 1968, and held for over 5 years. I spent 27 months in solitary confinement, one year in a cage in Cambodia, and one year in a "black box" in Hanoi.

My North Vietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, a nurse in a leprosarium in Ban me Thuot, South Vietnam, whom I buried in the jungle near the Cambodian border. At one time, I was weighing approximately 90 lbs. (My normal weight is 170 lbs.) We were Jane Fonda's "war criminals." When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi, I was asked by the camp communist political officer if I would be willing to meet with Jane Fonda. I said yes, for I would like to tell her about the real treatment we POWs received different from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese, and parroted by Jane Fonda, as "humane and lenient."

Because of this, I spent three days on a rocky floor on my knees with outstretched arms with a large amount of steel placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane till my arms dipped. I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda for a couple of hours after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate me on TV. She did not answer me. This does not exemplify someone who should be honored as part of "100 Years of Great Women."

Lest we forget..."100 years of great women" should never include a traitor whose hands are covered with the blood of so many patriots. There are few things I have strong visceral reactions to, but Hanoi Jane's participation in blatant treason, is one of them. Please take the time to forward to as many people as you possibly can. It will eventually end up on her computer and she needs to know that we will never forget.

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama Bin Laden makes his way to the pearly gates.

There he is greeted by George Washington. How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, punching Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from Washington's right. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He kicks and shatters Osama's knee.

Osama is then caned by John Randolph of Roanoke and soundly thrashed by James Monroe. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up and hurls him back toward the gates, where Robert E. Lee, George Mason, Sam Houston, and 64 other men famous for their love of liberty wait their turn.

Osama screams, "Aieee! This is not what I was promised! This is not Paradise"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you when you died ... WHAT DID YOU THINK I SAID?"

The following letter was read by the author at this year's In Celebration of the Muse, Cabrillo College. She was the highlight of the evening. The author is a woman of 60+ years, conservatively dressed and obviously quite talented. Enjoy.

On January 28, 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced that he spent $8,000 of taxpayers' money for drapes to cover up the exposed breast of The Spirit of Justice, an 18 ft aluminum statue of a woman that stands in the Department of Justice's Hall of Justice.

John, John, John, you've got your priorities all wrong. While men fly airplanes into skyscrapers, dive bomb the pentagon, while they stick explosives into their shoes and then book a seat right next to us, while they hide knives in their luggage, steal kids on school buses, take little girls from their beds at night, drive trucks into our state capital buildings, while our president calls dangerous men all over the world evildoers and devils, while we live in the threat of biological warfare, nuclear destruction, annihilation, you are out buying yardage to save Americans from the appalling alarming, abominable aluminum alloy of evil, that terrible ten foot tin tittie.

You might not be able to find Bin Laden. But you sure as hell found the hooter in the hall of justice.

It's not that we aren't grateful, but while we were begging the women of Afghanistan to not cover up their faces, you are begging your staff members to just cover up that nipple to save the American people from that monstrous metal mammary.

How can we ever thank you? So, in your office every morning in your secret prayer meeting, while an American woman is sexually assaulted every 6 seconds, while anthrax floats around the post office and settles in the chest of senior citizens, you've got another chest on your mind. While American sons arrive home in body bags and heat seeking missiles fly around a foreign country looking for any warm body you think of another body. And you pray for the biggest bra in the world, John, because you see that breast on the spirit of justice is the spirit of your own inhibited sexuality.

And when we women see our grandmothers, our mothers, our daughters, our granddaughters, our sisters, ourselves, when we women see that statue the spirit of justice we see the spirit of strength, the spirit of survival. While every day we view innocent bodies dragged out of rubble and women and children laid out like thin limp dolls and baptized into death as collateral damage and the hollow eyed Afghani mother's milk has dried up underneath her burka in famine in shame and her children are dead at her breast. While you look at that breast, John, that jug on the spirit of justice and deal with your thoughts of lust and sex and nakedness, we see it as a testimony to motherhood.

And you see it as a tit.

It's not the money it cost. It's the message you send. We've got the right to live in freedom.

We've got the right to cheat Americans out of billions of dollars and then just not want to tell Congress about it. We've got the right to drop bombs night and day on a small country that has no army, no navy, no military at all, because we've got the right to bear arms but we just better not even think about the right to bare breasts.

So now. John. you can be photographed while you stand there and talk about guns and bombs and poisons without the breast appearing over your right shoulder without that bodacious bosom bothering you and we just wanted to tell you in the spirit of justice, in the spirit of truth--John, there is still one very big boob left standing there in that picture.

Claire Braz-Valentine

If John Ashcroft had a beard and wore a turban he could be mistaken for a Muslim.

Zealous fundamentalists are the same in every religion; intolerant, insensitive and in our faces. Some Christian sects are still mired along with Islam in the 3rd century and until they grow up (which will probably be never) we'll still have problems.

My brother Mike [Deibel] exhibited a painting called "Rose" in a Willoughby art show...actually it was picked out of the three he submitted for display. Some yahoo reform minister raised holy hell about it. Mike wound up in the papers and on television as the reporters (Dick Feagler among them) sort of made fun of the passionate reverend and his blue tastes.

Mike wasn't too unhappy though...he got four or five commissions to paint portraits and he's been keeping busy ever since.

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped.

The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Yves Saint Laurent tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 50-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.

When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"

"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're doing because you just took my dog."

[As many of you know, I spent the decade just prior to our reunion on the Arabian Peninsula -- most of that time in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. This article from the US News and World Report (current issue) is right on target -- unfortunately, and to the dismay of many in our Government who are only now coming to realize that we have been enjoying a rattle snake as a "pet" for all these years -- particularly since the Gulf War. -- Joe R.]

From: US News and World Report Magazine 6/3/02 (p. 49)

Fifteen of the 19 September 11 hijackers were Saudis. Perhaps as many as 80 percent of the prisoners held at Guantanamo are Saudis. Osama bin Laden is a Saudi, and al Qaeda was supported by large contributions from Saudis, including members of the Saudi royal family. The Saudis' cooperation with our efforts to track down the financing of al Qaeda appears to be somewhere between minimal and zero. They got us to let members of the bin Laden family scamper out of the United States on a private jet shortly after September 11. They refuse to provide -- as almost every other country has -- manifests of plane passengers flying to the United States.

Such behavior is nothing new. The Saudis stymied the FBI investigation of the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing. The Saudis refused a U.S. request in 1996 that they take custody of bin Laden; he went to Afghanistan instead. They refused in 1995 to hand over Imad Mughniyah, believed responsible for the bombing of a Marine barracks in Lebanon in 1983. Far from aiding our efforts against terrorism, the Saudis have worked against them -- to protect the terrorists in their own ranks. Also, the Saudis have praised suicide bombings and raised money for the families of Palestinian suicide bombers. Government-controlled Saudi media have frequently spread the vilest kinds of anti-U.S. and anti-Jewish propaganda.

Such has been the behavior of those the State Department has long referred to as "our friends the Saudis." It would be more accurate to call them our enemies the Saudis.

Freedoms? Zero for seven. The Saudis run a totalitarian society. Not one of the seven freedoms identified by President Bush in his State of the Union speech -- the rule of law, limits on the power of the state, respect for women, private property, free speech, equal justice, religious tolerance -- is honored by the Saudis. There is no free speech and no freedom of religion (during the Gulf War the Saudis did not allow President Bush to conduct a religious service on Saudi soil), and women are restricted and physically assaulted by religious police who prowl the streets (and, by some accounts, would not allow teenage girls to leave a burning school, lest they not be properly clad; 15 girls died).

But the Saudis are not content to run a totalitarian society at home; they are trying to export their totalitarian Wahhabi Islam around the world. Since the Gulf War, the Saudis have financed Wahhabi clerics and Wahhabi-run mosques and schools in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Indonesia, Western Europe, and the United States. The results can be seen on the Edgware Road in London or Leesburg Pike in Northern Virginia: Journalists have no trouble finding young people spouting the most vituperative anti-U.S. and anti-Jewish propaganda and swearing that they would fight for Islam against the United States. The Saudis are waging war against us, financing the spread of the idea that our free society must be overthrown and totalitarian Wahhabi Islam must be imposed by force.

So why do some still call the Saudis our friends? Because they have the power to keep oil prices down? That leverage is being reduced by increased oil production by our friends Russia and Mexico. Because they are anti-Communist? Communism is no longer a threat. Because they are used to heeding the mellifluous advice of Saudi Ambassador Prince Bandar? What has he done to stop al Qaeda or the propagation of totalitarian Wahhabi Islam? Because we depend on Saudi military bases? Despite Pentagon denials, it seems we are wisely dispersing our forces in the gulf.

It may not be prudent yet to speak the truth out loud, that the Saudis are our enemies. But they should know that it is increasingly apparent to the American people that they are effectively waging war against us. And they should know that we have the capacity to destroy their military, presumably in a matter of hours. The Saudis' eastern provinces, with their oil, could be given to their Shiite Muslim majority, now oppressed by the Sunni Muslim Saudi rulers. The holy cities of Mecca and Medina could be returned to the custody of the Hashemites (Jordan's King Abdullah's family), who unlike the Saudis are direct descendants of the prophet Mohammed. Let the Saudis have the sands of central Arabia and their bank accounts in Switzerland, hotel suites in London, and villas on the Riviera.

President Bush has said that we must have regime change in Iraq to be safe from terrorism. It is increasingly clear that we must have regime change in Saudi-ruled Arabia as well.

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to PROFILE people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment and take the following test:

In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

During the 1980s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kid
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid with a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train job.
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain:"Mustapha the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonnie and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Hmmm . . . nope, no patterns anywhere to justify PROFILING!!!!!!

(Personal thought from TLM: Historians will look back on the USA a couple of centuries from now and think that we were absolutely nuts...and we are!)

I've done some quiet investigating of my own. I've come to the conclusion that the Muslims, and Saudi's in particular, are a bigger threat to us than Adolph Hitler ever was....by far. Here are some of my gathered facts:

1. In a 60 minutes interview of Muslim girls, naturalized citizens living in the U.S., about 3 weeks ago, Mr. Bradley asked: What do you think of the 9/11 suicide bombers?" All of them quickly replied: "Oh, they?re heroes on their way to paradise."
2. In an article relating to Pakistan President Pervez Musharraf's problems in governing Pakistan, I read that an overwhelming majority of the 130+ million Pakistani's whole-heartedly support the idea of an automatic death penalty for "blasphemy". Shades of the Inquisition in the 12th century. Their religion fosters "barbaric" thinking.
3. I thought about religious leaders across the board: Cardinals, ministers, Rabbis, Buddhist Monks, and Mullahs. Who are the only ones to advocate and organize violence or even use the word "infidel" any more....guess who?
4. Think about all the immigrants that have been successfully absorbed into our culture...the Europeans, the Asians, the Blacks (granted a different kind of "immigration") and the Hispanics. They may bring their language, for one or two generations, but eventually they are hard-working Americans who just look different. Not the Muslims. They bring their damn backward countries with them. Their dress codes... their schools...all of it.

People say to me: "You are just a bigot. Those were the same things that were said about Catholics a century ago." The difference is that the Pope never preached: "Overthrow the Infidel", and backed it up with terrorist organizations.

When it comes to Muslims, you're damn right I'm a bigot. Yet the biggest problem we have is not the Muslims, but the American values that we unconsciously accept without thinking. The western mind has trouble understanding evil. We think it is a simplistic term that applies to individuals that were molested a child and need "Help". They think "evil" religions are Satanic Covens. WRONG! All those people do is wear hoods, make spells, and sacrifice a goat occasionally. The terrorists did not, as George W. says, "hijack" a great religion. The majority....yes majority...of Muslims in this country, and all countries, will join the Jihad, given the chance.

We rounded up the Japanese after Pearl Harbor. That was unnecessary. The Japanese are not "schooled" in fanatical hate as are Muslim children. Watch out, because when the bigger attacks come, a big part of the American Muslim community will side with the "faithful".

"Fuck political correctness!"

Subject: Studies indicate

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
2. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
4. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
5. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy, I'm still not over the pig.)
6. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...maybe at work.)
7. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
8. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
9. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
10. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
11. Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
12. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
13. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
14. Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
15. A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (O.K., I know some people like that.)
17. Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
18. Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
19. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

There has been much sent in about how perplexing our attitudes are about the Islamic world. I work with a couple of Muslims and they seem like pretty good guys. One has an American flag taped to his wall that was obviously drawn by one of his young children. But you don't know what stresses they are under.

We know that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. It seems to be growing in places like Africa and the middle east, etc. It is hard for us to understand the thinking in those places. Two of the big news stories of recent times have been (1) that Islamic people have been giving their lives for their religion, and (2) Catholic priests have been giving their religion for their lust. (Certainly it is small minorities in both cases. Certainly the Islamic martyrs are misguided in the terrible things they do.) Still, when stated this way it is not very complimentary to us.

If I were a person in one of these parts of the world and I honestly wanted to find a "true" religion to follow what would I see? The Islamics tell them that Christianity and Judaism are Satanic. The news from America sounds like we are truly in the power of Satan. They hear of many other thing like road rage killing. Children killing children at schools.

The news from Islam is that some are giving up on their lives for there religion. If I am a Christian what do I do in my life that is effected by my religion? Do I "give up" anything? There are the Amish, the Mormons, the Orthodox Jews whose way of life is altered by their religion. But I as a Catholic don't even abstain from meat on Friday anymore. It is almost as if my religion is a kind of social club.

Like the Brother above, I have very close friends who are Muslims. One is a super close friend and lives in Riyadh, although he comes to visit me often. Let?s start with him, Abdullah. He is a genuinely ?sweet? person with two wives and three lovely children ? two daughters by his first wife and a young son by the second. He is about to take on a third wife from Morocco, but he does not plan to have any children by her. He is only permitted four concurrent wives by Islamic Law, so he will have to slow down a little bit, and yes, I?ve warned him of the problems that having three wives might bring on independent of Islamic law.

He may divorce wife #2, if he hasn?t already, and that will make life a little easier, although he loves the young son (with his family name) who will carry that name into posterity

He (Abdullah) was in charge of the ?Social Security,? as such, in Saudi Arabia, but is now a Deputy Under Secretary of Social Affairs, so to speak, and doesn?t deal directly with the people as he used to when I first befriended him twelve or so years ago. He has lived in America for many, many years getting his advanced degrees in California and even naming his second daughter, ?Sally,? which has brought him extensive derision in Riyadh. He too keeps an American flag on his car (here in America).

We often discuss the differences between Islam and nearly every other religion in the world. The big difference is this: The Quran (Koran, in English) was given to them in the First Person singular with the First Person being Allah (God). It was delivered to them by the Archangel Gabriel and so is truly ?the Word of God? ? not just ?the Word of God? as some of the more Fundamentalist Christian preachers mean.

Thus, all Muslims are truly in a quandary when it comes to many, many passages in the Quran that suggest everything from not taking Christians and Jews as friends and protectors to some pretty terrorist-sounding passages in Surah Nine.

We, as Christians (most of us in the A. D. Phi) have our own problems when it comes to matters of salvation ? you gave a good example when you mentioned the now-defunct rule about eating meat on Fridays. I was brought up to believe that I would be doomed to eternal Hell if I ate meat on Friday and died before having the chance to confess this horrid sin to a priest. But, of relevance, is the fact that aside from strange doctrines, no religion I know of puts the issue of salvation in a dangerous box that makes that issue cause immigrants to this country have to cause harm to the rest of us for them to have a better chance of making it beyond the Pearly Gates.

Mr. Ashcroft and others like him might throw blankets on nude statues, but they are generally harmless oafs within the confines of our Constitution and Bill of Rights (I hope). But don?t get me wrong; we have to watch those assholes as much as we are watching the Fundamentalist Muslims.

But I have to play the ?one upsmanship? game as regards ?knowing Muslims. I lived in the heart of Islam for a decade and rubbed elbows with them (never allowing my left arm or hand to touch them ? that?s Haram) the entire time. They have a deep-seeded hate for the Jews and a deep-seeded distrust of Christians that stems from everything from the Crusades to the very words from Allah in their Quran. The only thing that keeps Israel in existence as a state is their having defeated the Islamic armies time after time.

The only thing that keeps them from causing incredible havoc in this country is the alert and consistent efforts of our Government and (thankfully) their own incompetence ? in general.

Yes, they are the fastest growing religion in the world, but I credit that statistic to the terrible difference between the ?haves? and the ?have-nots? in the world. In Africa, the Muslims epitomize the ?have-nots,? whereas the Christians epitomize the ?haves.? In the Middle East, you can add Israel and the Jews to the ?haves.? We know that religion, in and of itself, has almost nothing to do with these economic differences, but in the minds of the uneducated, that?s the way it looks.

Yes, most Christians see the various doctrines of their churches as a list of ?rules,? and their membership as that of belonging to a social club. To an extent, I do too. I think that the difference is that most Americans (sans the vast majority of Muslims) do not regard their ultimate salvation as depending upon support for literal harm to those who disagree with the doctrines of their churches (or non-churches).

My Muslim friends, almost to a person, agree that the suicide bombers are heroes and that Jihad is necessary. Ask your friends what they think. In a way, it reminds me of the beliefs of the majority of Blacks in this country vis-à­¶is O. J. Simpson?s innocence or guilt. I?ve asked many, many blacks over the past years, and almost to a person, they believe he?s innocent. Whites are split about 90-10 in favor of ?guilt,? or so it appears to me.

I wish I had an answer, but the beginning of the answer is surely to continue to be vigilant and, for the love of Christ, keep illegal Muslims from sneaking into the country, and watch Muslims ? especially young men ? with a very careful eye. That?s profiling, I know, but I know of no other way to avoid another twin-Tower disaster, or worse.

And I have only begun to scratch the surface of the various aspects of the Muslim belief system that I discovered in my decade in Riyadh and Dubai.

Anyway, that?s how I see it and I hope none of you are not offended by my beliefs.

I still care deeply about Abdullah and my other Muslim friends, but I know that the vast majority have very negative thoughts about both America and Israel ? not to mention England and a few other countries.

[Written by Jeff Foxworthy ]

1. You may be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh) if:
2. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
3. You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
4. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
5. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
6. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south."
7. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or Northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
8. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
9. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point.
10. You measure distance in minutes.
11. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
13. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
14. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
15. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car.
19. You know what 'pop' is.
20. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
21. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
22. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
23. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
24. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
25. You actually get these jokes, then forward 'em to your OHIO friends

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone might steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone might steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.

XAIPE Brothers, It's been over 2 years since I retired from 38years of being a doctor. I haven't missed the work at all. When I was an Ear Nose and Throat doctor and I got a call after hours, someone was either bleeding of having trouble breathing--both hairy situations. As a younger person, it was exiting and challenging. As I got older, it started getting to be hard work, particularly in the middle of the night. I had to take call every third night the last year before I retired. About one month before I retired, I got a call from the ER and there was a person with respiratory distress that they were unable to get a breathing tube in and I had to run in and do a tracheotomy. I was successful. The man was going to die without it. I just had finally become tired of handling those kind of situations.

The general practice of medicine had become more difficult to do because of the mountain of paper work. There was also the difficulty of just getting routine work done because we had to get approval from insurance carriers who were constantly changing the rules.

Finally we were working more hours for less money. Medicare now pays what we were charging for fees in 1980. We don't buy anything for that kind of charge. We didn't pay our office help those kind of wages.

We've done a lot of traveling since I retired. We've been away from the house somewhere between 40 and 50 times. We just returned from a Western Mediterranean cruise.

I play golf twice a week. I work at habitat one day a week as a volunteer building houses. We have symphony tickets, theatre tickets, basketball and football tickets. We belong to a dance club. We are part of a neighborhood bridge club.

My oldest son and daughter-in-law live in town and they have three children so I going to swim meets again and doing other things with the grandchildren.

I'm learning more and more on my computer. I recently bought a windows XP system with the help of my son who has a masters in computer science.

My second son works for Dartmouth on a research grant doing computer security. His wife just finished her second year of medical school at Dartmouth. They just had a second normal son. Their first child is doing reasonably well now but was born with multiple abnormalities and has had more than forty procedures. He is four now. He is due for more surgery in two weeks and we are going up to help with the newborn.

All in all, I wonder when I had time to work.

Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, brothers, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

• The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know Ronald Reagan had ever been shot.
• They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
• They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
• Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
• The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.
• They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
• They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
• They have always had cable. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

  Feeling old Yet? There's more:

• They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
• Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
• They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
• Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
• They have never seen Larry Bird play.
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
• They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
• They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
• They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
• Michael Jackson has always been white.
• Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands... There has always been MTV.
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Many of you might recall that the US went through a rough day back in September of 2001. If you don't remember, that's okay, because it seems that others have a difficult time remembering what we call "9/11" either. Or maybe they remember it slightly differently than the rest of us.

Specifically, I am referencing two addresses given by President George W. Bush some months after the events of 9/11. One was given to some Displaced Workers at a Town Hall meeting in Orlando, Florida on 4 December 2001 and can be read on the White House's news release site at:

    http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/12/20011204-17.html

and the other was a speech given in California on 5 January of this year (2002) that can be read at:

    http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/01/20020105-3.html

In both speeches, Mr. Bush referenced quite clearly that he actually saw the FIRST PLANE strike the FIRST TOWER on a television set before having walked into the classroom with those children with whom he was discussing reading and education issues on the morning of the horrific events in New York.

The above sites are NOT conspiracy sites and I personally am one of President Bush's more adamant fans. BUT, something doesn't make sense when he says clearly in the first talk referenced above:

"Thank you, Jordan. Well, Jordan, you're not going to believe what state I was in when I heard about the terrorist attack. I was in Florida. And my Chief of Staff, Andy Card - [long pause] actually, I was in a classroom talking about a reading program that works. I was sitting outside the classroom waiting to go in, and I saw an airplane hit the tower - the TV was obviously on. And I used to fly myself, and I said, well there's one terrible pilot. I said it must have been a horrible accident. But I was whisked off there, I didn't have much time to think about it, and I was sitting in the classroom, and Andy Card, my Chief of Staff, who is sitting over here, walked in and said, "A second plane has hit the tower, America is under attack.""

In the second speech, over a month later, he said:

"Anyway, I was sitting there, and my Chief of Staff - [long pause] well, first of all, when we walked into the classroom, I had seen this plane fly into the first building. There was a TV set on. And you know, I thought it was a pilot error and I was amazed that anyone could make such a terrible mistake. And something was wrong with the plane, or - [another long pause] anyway, I'm sitting there, listening to the briefing and Andy Card came in and said, 'America is under attack.' " [Of note: He read to the children for 25 minutes after Mr. Card told him that America was under attack.]

Now I ask you, brothers, how many of you, like me, was watching these events unfold on your television sets? How many of you saw any video at all of the FIRST PLANE hitting the FIRST tower until late the second evening? That was a fortuitous (or so it seems) amateur camcorder video taken from a long distance away that no one even knew about until much, much later. Surely, Mr. Bush couldn't have seen that first plane strike the first tower as early as 9:00 a.m. EST on September 11, 2001.

Three possibilities: Mr. Bush is as stupid as his enemies infer and managed to repeat a completely cock-eyed story twice - after a major attack (Nadir, Rense, etc.) following the first gaff - or he is a serious liar, or he told the truth.

I personally believe he told the truth and that he had no idea what was going on. For reasons that only those on his staff who allowed the attacks to carry on, the confirmation video of that first aircraft striking the first tower was undoubtedly carried on closed-circuit TV - that the President saw, and thought like most of us (after the fact, and without such a video) thought was an accident.

No, I do not believe that Mr. Bush would ever have allowed an attack like that to continue, nor would he deliberately lie to the American people. Indeed, that is why he couldn't help repeating this incredible story (easily verified on both the White House sites referenced above, as well as CNN's transcripts at:

     http://www.CNN.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0112/04/se.04.html

He is simply a very honest president (big difference from his predecessor) and COULDN'T lie even after warned about the hubbub following the December 4th Speech. He's also not as stupid as his enemies make him out to be. He has proved to be a decisive, honest and intelligent President, all in all.

But don't you agree, brothers, after reading the two transcripts from the White House's own site - that something is seriously wrong here.

I'm sure there may have been good reasons for persons within the Bush staff to have wanted us to get off our typically complacent duffs and go after both the Al-Quaida and the Taliban in Afghanistan, but what about those 3,000 persons who died in that cause?

I'm not a conspiracy buff - my previous posts as Chief Scientist of the tactical Air Forces in Europe wouldn't permit that kind of thinking - but I am really bothered by these statements of Mr. Bush. History is backing up the folks with whom I debated over the years: Franklin Roosevelt, it appears now, managed to bring us into WW II when it was absolutely necessary (he knew that Pearl Harbor was a Japanese target) and the statements by Ms. April Gillespie to Saddam Hussein prior to the Gulf war were not - as our position afterwards states - accidental.

Those thoughts aside, I wonder what your various takes on Mr. Bush's remarks on 4 December and 5 January are on all of this.

Still a Calm and Collected Brother and Very Much in the Bonds

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having sex.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having sex.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Teaching math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit is $260?

Teaching math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es..........

Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From Uranus

The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War On Terrorism:

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! You're looking for simple solutions to complex issues.

* Does the man look poor or oppressed?
* Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
* Could we run away?
* What does my wife think?
* What about the kids?
* Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
* What does the law say about this situation?
* Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
* Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
* If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer: Shoot the son of a bitch! Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs with apple pie, sing the national anthem, go to church and praise the Lord for one more day of freedom.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

• The people who are starting college this fall (2002) across the nation were born in 1983.
• They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. .
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS. .
• Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. .
• The CD was introduced the year they were born. .
• They have always had an answering machine. .
• They have always had cable. .
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control. .
• Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. .
• Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. .
• They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. .
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. .
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. .
• They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane"..
• They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. .
• Michael Jackson has always been white. .
• McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. .
• They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. .

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country until they are caught.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, gay, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

1. thoroughly clean the toilet
2. lift both lids and add shampoo
3. find and soothe cat as you carry him to the bathroom
4. in one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape
5. the cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. flush 3 or 4 times, this provides power rinse which is quite effective
7. have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids
8. clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry

Sincerely,

The Dog

I cannot believe we all survived.....

Well, you are over fifty if you get this. (All of us are!) You lived as a child in the 30s, 40s, (teens) 50s and (as young adults) 60s.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.................

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint, and no padded crib protectors to keep us from sticking our heads through the slats.

We could sleep on our backs, our sides, or our stomachs.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps of wood and old wheels or roller skates and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. No pagers. Unthinkable!

We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. And sometimes made up and became best friends.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, mayonnaise, and drank sugar soda,but we were never overweight.... .....we were always outside playing.

We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this?

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 699 channels on cable, video tape and DVD movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones, Personal Computers, internet chat rooms, ...........we had real live friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work as hard, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

Bad behavior at home, at school, or in public was rewarded with corporal punishment, such as a smack or a paddling.

We walked to school or at the very least to the bus stop without our parents taking us because it rained or snowed.

We had people who didn't like us because of our religion, color, ethnic origin, where we lived, who we hung out with, and so forth. We survived.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law--imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

God, Family, and friends were the most important things in our lives. And you're one of them.

Congratulations! That is, if you have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and the government regulated our lives... "for our own good."

Teaching math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit is $260?

Teaching math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es..........

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. However, they like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minorities, non-heterosexual, feminists, or atheists ... who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country as long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21 - YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

This will give you cold chills, but puts life into perspective!

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

"Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself.

And it comes in the way people treat that child."

Then, he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates.

Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning." In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base. Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled "Run to second, run to second!" By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home.

As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!" Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grand slam" and winning the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

Teaching math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit is $260?

Teaching math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es..........

How Could You? When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family. I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed, "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people - swallow a mouth full of saliva and snot and then . . . pteu! who cares?

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased.

And dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the cat could give a rat's behind! . . . Which brings us to the origin of the rat . . .

A College professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children Lifesavers and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

As the children tasted each one, they said:

"Red..................cherry",

"Yellow...............lemon",

"Green...............lime",

"Orange...............orange"

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers.

After sucking on them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well" he said, "I'll ! give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,

"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!

A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Lake Erie. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink, "and I'll make you happy, and you can make ME happy." The girl nodded yes through her tears. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

"What the hell are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly), he's 'taking advantage of me', so to speak." (wink, wink)

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Put-In-Bay ferry!

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.

If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you cry............you're a wimp.

If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.

If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.

If you don't..............you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.

If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.

If you don't................you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.

If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.

If you don't....................you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired.

If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.

If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.

It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her Thank You notes.She wrote:

Dear Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Dear Menachim, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes ... and the driver you hired is a Nazi. But the thought was good. Thanks.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what (censored word), pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a Widdlebit"?

I don't forward much but Joe Ryan suggested that we ought to keep up. It's been three and half years since I retired and we've been away from the house about twice a month every month traveling. When I was working as a doctor I never did much traveling. When I did it was usually either family or medical meetings getting CME credits to keep up my skills. I haven't opened up a medical book since retirement. When I'm home I work one day a week as a regular volunteer for Habitat and build houses. Our church is on a six week rotation to help at habitat and when it's our churches turn to work, I also work on Saturdays. It's interesting that my dad was a carpenter and now I'm a carpenter. When I'm home I golf at least two days a week. Yard work and a garden help keep me busy. We have Panther tickets, UNCC basketball tickets, symphony tickets,a dance club, a bridge club, theatre tickets, other church volunteer activities, and a beach house to keep up besides our Charlotte house. I've also become more computer literate. When I was in practice, I only used the computer for information retrieval. I've taken some courses at the local community college and spend a lot of time on photo work. I have my own home network set up with a wireless connection with my lap top to my main frame. My one son is an IBM employee now and they can get Think Pads at a huge discount for families so my lap top is the best model Think Pad.

I never realized how much pressure it was to work as a doctor until I quit. Even the last year in practice, I was on call every third night. As an ear, nose, and throat specialist when I got a call after hours someone was either bleeding or having trouble breathing. About one month before I retired I got a call from the emergency room and a patient was having trouble breathing because of laryngeal obstruction. His anatomy was such that an endotracheal breathing tube couldn't be inserted and the emergency room physician wasn't sure he could get a tracheotomy in even though the patient was suffocating. I ran over and was able to successfully do a tracheotomy or the patient would have died. I'm old enough now that I don't want that kind of excitement any more. I've done at least 25 tracheotomies for more than 30 years. The only medical work I do is when one of my golf friends ask a question about something and I answer them that my free information is about all it's worth. I'm still licensed until my next birthday in January. I would need 60 hours of CME credits by then in order to renew my it. I don't plan to get it so my license will expire in January.

I also miss hearing from Oreon. I did get to talk to him about a week before he died. We would talk by phone occasionally. I'm especially glad he got us all together a couple of years before he died.

The US job situation is easy to understand. If you look at the kind of jobs we have, you will see and increase in service jobs but a greater decrease in manufacturing jobs and the support that goes with them. Many said that when Clinton passed NAFTA that manufacturing jobs would disappear and indeed they are. We added NAFTA to the problem of cheap Asian labor costs. The other day I saw a pair of pants with a label: Made in Viet Nam. In many Asian countries such as China, our products are not let in or have high tariffs.

I do enjoy hearing from everyone even though I frequently not passing on the attachments.

I've always had the motto: Enjoy everyday because in the end you won't get anymore to do that special item.

Fondly, Christ

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

1. Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
2. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
3. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be vice president with a car phone until you earn both.
4. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
5. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
6. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parent's fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
7. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
8. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life..
9. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
10. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
11. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. If you don't send this to at least 8 ... or is that 7? or maybe 83 ... people ... who cares?

• The most destructive habit......................Worry
• The greatest Joy...............................Giving
• The greatest loss................Loss of self-respect
• The most satisfying work...............Helping others
• The ugliest personality trait.............Selfishness
• The most endangered species.........Dedicated leaders
• Our greatest natural resource...............Our youth
• The greatest "shot in the arm"..........Encouragement
• The greatest problem to overcome.................Fear
• The most effective sleeping pill........Peace of mind
• The most crippling failure disease............Excuses
• The most powerful force in life..................Love
• The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper
• The world's most incredible computer........The brain
• The worst thing to be without................... Hope
• The deadliest weapon.......................The tongue
• The two most power-filled words..............."I Can"
• The greatest asset..............................Faith
• The most worthless emotion..................Self-pity
• The most beautiful attire......................SMILE!
• The most prized possession................Integrity
• The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer
• The most contagious spirit.................Enthusiasm
• The most important thing in life..................GOD

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

To those I have sent this to... I LOVE you & cherish our friendship.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"

A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market. A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market. A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market. We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh. We can purchase almost anything we want from many different countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian (Or Mexico) pharmacy. That's called un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again!

Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your outfit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally not advisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." -U.S.A.F.

Andy Rooney said the following on 60 minutes a few weeks back: (for those of you that don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator)

I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that! is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA BURKE?

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in! my office, it wouldn't be a private matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!

I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

"I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!

GOD BLESS AMERICA

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So the Captain sends a message to base operations, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base, only to find that the primary latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid. So he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He then makes his way to the aircraft and is understandably less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the job deliberately and carefully (and thus slowly), so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Captain, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and I?ve forgotten what it?s like to be warm. I have one stripe and the pay that goes with it; it's two-thirty in the morning, it's 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump crap from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind, Sir?

(In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this....)

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried...
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes... when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.

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But when you let out one eentsy teeny little fart ...
Only Once!

No one misses that!

[Ed. Note: The title was added by me, but I thought it rather neat that an MD wrote this great Q/A session -- you are an MD, right, John?]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Veggies. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Now go have a cookie...flour is a veggie!

Perhaps it's a good thing that [the British Prime Ministers] James Ramsay Macdonald (or even Stanley Baldwin) or [President] Franklin Roosevelt didn't have the balls to stop Adolf Hitler when he declared the Versailles Treaties null and void, annexed Austria, marched into the Saar and Sudentenland and pissed in the rest of the world's face. We'd probably have had 350,000 more men to procreate and over populate the world (and that's just Americans) and what would we do with all the offspring? Not to mention all the Jews that would still be living (and the Poles) and the Catholics.

You see, I think wars, properly conducted are a good thing -- in the words of John Lennon:

nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;nbsp; "Give War A Chance" -- or did he say Peace?

• My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
• My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.
• Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring).
• The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
• We all took gym, not PE----and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
• I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
• Flunking gym was not an option....even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
• Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school system.
• Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
• I can't understand it. Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was anyway), but they did give us couple of baby aspirin and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we had then.
• Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
• I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
• I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.
• I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalize through the denial of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property, complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
• Oh yeah....and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
• We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction site! s and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
• We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical abuse--and no 911) here too, and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.
• Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choke down the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka trucks were made tough....it wasn't so that they could take the rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
• Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
• I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house, instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
• To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
• We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?